Tag: student

2 a.m returns.

It’s 2 a.m. My eyes are heavy, the air is cold, and I’m playing my “at ease” playlist on Spotify. The cars that pass by are dwindling down, and the rowdy college boys have settled down, leaving a quiet calm in the air.

2 a.m to 3 a.m, as I always say, is the inbetween. My favourite place. During a party it is exactly during this time that people are either deciding to go to bed, or reaching the peak of their party spirit. During a typical night/early morning, this is the time strange things happen. Like bumping into a peculiar stranger while walking your dog, or finding an article of words that strikes your heart in a way you’ve been needing lately. My magic hour.

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I’m entering that phase of restlessness again. Wondering about what my purpose is. How I influence others. What should I do for myself. Etc. As it’s seemed the past year or two, I can’t feel like I have any true complaints, but as always, there is just this emptiness that I feel I was born with. Medically, I guess it’s just anxiety/depression. The fun double whammy I live by. Or I’m a perfectionist that just can’t be pleased. Or my childhood was lacking. Maybe I’m bored. Or lazy. I guess it all depends on who you talk to, what I am. But simply, it’s just my feeling.

I feel like I’m in the 2 a.m/3 a.m cycle of my life. Like I only have one hour to choose something that is supposed to be life changing. I graduate in December, and suddenly, I just have to pick a random next step. Always I felt, I’ll go to Japan. That’s the only place I could do something. But suddenly, for the first time ever, I have a flicker of possibility that even here, I could do something. I started an unexpected job that is offering me much more than I imagined.

Also, recently in a class we discuss so much about what family means. Somehow, these past couple of years I’ve created so many families. Those who helped me find myself again. The one who taught me to stand up for myself and make no excuses. The ones scattered all over the world. The ones who now make waking up and going to work sound fun. I always had this image that family was supposed to stay constant. But I guess back in those days, I never felt connections with people at all.

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I wonder often about that too these days… Which one is better; to be closed off and support myself, or to allow these feelings for others that ultimately just cause me a lot of pain and inconvenience? Most days I’m wishing I could shut myself away again, but to be honest, pain from caring so much… I feel that it’s the only way to feel some sort of purpose. And I can’t deny that since I’ve allowed these types of interactions, I have been given so much opportunity, regardless if I followed through with anything. In myself, I’ve grown to feel something. Now I just want to learn how to project that sort of thing.

There’s a lot that I’m questioning lately. So much I want to talk about and lose tears over. But I also want to live silently, smile for the sake of others, and just.. exist. Does it make sense…

I’ll try somehow to enjoy this inbetween… Even though with each passing tick of the clock I feel myself growing more and more torn apart inside, I know that no matter what happens next, somehow it can be an adventure.

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How are you?

Recently, I’m trying to be sure to set aside reflection times. The first two weeks of the semester it was work, class, study, bed. During the weekdays I took no time for myself and of course I burned out very quickly.

My American life is busy in a hectic way. I am working on my last two classes of my college life, trying to pay rent, and trying to get my resume together to take the next steps into that work life. But right now is my update, since I haven’t really done one, and especially posted photos, so if it’s long, bear with me?

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Settling back into my life in America has pulled forward all that I learned in Japan. Some things you don’t realise until you come back, and I guess that’s why it’s important that study abroad has an ending, even if you never want it to end.

I learned how precious some of my friendships are, but how to manage them in a more healthy way. I have a tendency to hold on tightly to things and make them the most important thing. However, sometimes you find yourself distant from the ones you wish you could be with always. I have learned that meeting new people and trying to form new connections is valuable. It doesn’t mean that the people you care so much for will be replaced, it simply means that you can possibly meet people who will one day hold so much importance.

Recently a friend I made in Japan was able to visit me. And I know with no doubt, those we wish to see, we will cross paths again one day. Sometimes it can be hard with social media to watch everyone continue on with their lives. I get such jealous feelings like, “I want to be there. I wish I was that person to be next to them.” But I realise instead to focus on the happiness of my friends. Because their happiness is what is truly important to me.

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Which leads me to something else. When sometimes love doesn’t work out, it’s so easy to stay bitter. I learned so much about acceptance when it comes to love/liking someone. Especially in the case it doesn’t work out.

To be honest, losing a relationship that lasted 7 years was the best thing that happened to me the past two years, or has it been three…?

It allowed me to leave the world behind me and travel to a new country with no ties to the past. I could explore myself and make the same “mistakes” as the rest of the world seems to make. I got to be surrounded by many couples making “bad” choices. I got to see cheating, and listen to talks of love, the future, etc, etc. I got to look at a relationship from an outsiders point of view. I was able to shed my own bitterness and form the final conclusion that, for me, the status of a relationship doesn’t matter at all. To love people, even if you cheat, I think it’s a wonderful feeling.

Maybe because I believe everyone is unfaithful to a point, I can’t trust in relationships yet, but our time with people is so short and unsure that I realise that there is no point in playing coy about your feelings. I think it’s so important to express yourself and be bold. For me, I think it’s so great to meet people and learn from them. Even if you part ways.

This also helped me realise that I can’t control what people think about me. I guess making videos on the internet played a role as well. No matter what I’m doing, people can find something bad in it. Or simply something they don’t like. Everyone has their own opinions. So I should just live as I want. As long as I feel confident in myself that I’m doing my best to be understanding and kind, I shouldn’t be worried about the thoughts of others.

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Some friends still worry so much about being judged. But I believe everyone should express themselves as they choose. Sometimes I wonder if my choices of expression will one day land me in trouble, but until that day, I want to live freely. For those that can’t understand me, there is no point in wasting my energy trying to change their view.

This attitude towards my life has also changed how I look at others. Maybe my first reaction is, “wow… what a bitch.” or “They’re a shit person.” But in the end of it, I always try to remind myself, “Everyone is a way for some reason. Whether or not I agree with that reason, it doesn’t matter. That is the person they are. If I dislike it, then I don’t need to my energy in that place.” Just as I can act as I please, I can’t judge others so harshly for their own ways.

Some people scold me for living in such a grey area. But I like this place best.

But still, my life is as my blog says: “not so interesting.” Simply, I’m still growing and trying to do the best that I can and see where that takes me at my own pace. Recently my sister told me, “You sound somehow like you’ve matured.” And I want to believe that I can keep growing positively and love everyone and myself so much.Screen Shot 0028-09-19 at 21.18.22.png

Back in America: Still Saying Good-bye.

Reverse culture shock. At last. The dreaded experience.

Some things are similar to the culture shock or small problems you experience going abroad. Your skin has to adjust. Once you finally stop itching in flaking in one country, you’re back to itching and flaking when you return. People look weird. Home country is boring as hell. And when did everyone’s lives seem so basic?

I’ve only been back about 2 and half weeks… I think. And I’m trying to figure out… did I change? Or did everyone else change? Because it seems everyone else is onto something that I’m not.

The hardest thing for me about being back in America has been being in my home town. I have one friend that cares at all to see me in this dreary place, and I seem to be the only one that cares to see them. Everyone is married. Everyone has babies. Nothing else to do here.

Just in this past week if I had a dollar for every time I heard “you’ll change your mind one day” about marriage and children I could afford a decent sized sandwich. That’s about enough times to make me want to smash my face in. Because that’s not the point I’m making when I’m baffled by all of this life surrounding me.

I’m wondering… how do I communicate with these people? Because for every person that tells you how wonderful being a parent is, there’s the same amount saying, yeah they love the kid, but it’s not what they wanted. When I’m listening to complaints on body changes, baby moms and dads, how they didn’t want to settle down, how they’re only together for the kids, etc, etc, etc, is it okay for me talk about my year abroad? Is it okay for me to talk about all the places I want to travel? Is it okay to be excited about my life? Because when I do, I just feel like a bitch…

Like, “Hey… your kid smells like they need a change. By the way, this one night in Japan, wish you coulda been there. Hope you can travel with me some day!” Even if it’s the best place of intention… that sounds pretty awful when I think about it. So what is my place in the life of these people? The ones that still want to mutually make time for each other anyway. The more I have to limit how much I talk about my own goals, the more depressed I feel and the more I start to feel like my life is shallow. When it’s absolutely not.

There are still a ton of things I have yet to face in my short time back in America… Mostly all things of dread. But I’m certain through this next year being in the states, it will more shape who I am to myself and the direction I want to go.

Something huge I had to learn in Japan was walking away. Walking away from what I thought were friendships, and walking away from love, and even walking away from myself sometimes. So I guess I have to accept that in America too.

That everyone’s lives are changing and that sometimes people walk away from you first. And all I can and should do is smile, be thankful I knew them, and wish them the best.

Joker & Harley Kind of Thing~

Okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Conversations with dad are always fun and thought provoking for me. He is as level headed as one can be. Things are the way they are, no more questions asked. Etc. Yet, he’s grown up with this weird ball of flesh that has never done anything simply.

Today I spent with babies. Terrifying things that I have written about previously. I asked my pops, “Hey… will you be upset if you don’t get a grandbaby from me?” (He’s heard me say several times I don’t want a kid of my own.) He swears to me that one day I will meet the right man and maybe change my mind. That since I haven’t met the right man, of course I wouldn’t want to have children.

What the fuck is the right man?

Maybe I’m just a sore loser, but I tried that one. And I worked for that. And I thought, well if I ever accidentally got pregnant, I could deal with it with this person. But I still didn’t want a kid. Just if it were to happen, then it would be manageable some how.

So I started thinking about the recent increase of Joker and Harley, “omggggg” memes spamming the internet lately since Suicide Squad gained popularity. You know… #relationshipgoals.

So everyone has to point out how fucked up Joker and Harley’s relationship is, because obviously none of us can see on our own that we probably don’t want a man to choke us (outside the bedroom if you’re into that).

Okay, look… these hopeless romantics are seeing a bigger picture here. Abusive crap aside, Joker and Harley are what the kids these days call “ride or die”. They, and I quote, “fuck with each other.” Which is supposed to mean something along the lines of, no matter what happens, they support one another.

He’s crazy, she’s not all there, and they accept the faults in one another. And they have some crazy passion stuff going on. They are probably pretty freaky behind closed doors. Or in public… I could see that from them.

And isn’t that what people are looking for? A person that can deal with their crazy? Because I don’t think it’s wrong for me to say that I’m a little bit out of reach for all of that stereotypical “get a man and have a family” jazz that everyone seems so hell bent on.

I don’t think it’s wrong for me to say that relationships die out 99% of the time and the rest of the time is just dealing with each other because you’ve put in so much time or a divorce is too costly, etc, etc.

Plus, as I’m typically “one of the boys”, I’ve learned a decent amount on how most seemingly successful relationships work… lies and secrets. “What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.” “My emotions are with her, but physical and something else.”

It’s 100% realistic to say that you can absolutely love someone but still cheat. Do we want to accept that? Of course not. But it’s true none the less.

My family has always scolded me for living in a different world than the rest of people. But just as everything, my anxiety, my lack of desires for standard things, my feelings on this are simply my feelings.

And honestly, I would rather live a crazy honest life than one I’m supposed to force smiles and act like it’s the best thing I’ve experienced.

Ticking Time & Love Like Nirvana

Every day is a part of a countdown now. Every hour. Every meal. Every conversation.

It’s almost as if through each moment I can see the outline of a clock on the wall, tick, tick, ticking by. If my room is silent, I can hear those ticks taunting me. “Do something. Go somewhere. Be with someone.”

It’s funny how a year sounds like an eternity to some people. Having missed me during the holidays this year, I’m sure my family has felt my absence. But for me, I feel like I haven’t been gone nearly long enough. I feel as if I have finally put one foot forward into a world I honestly don’t know anything about, and suddenly… in about 26 days, I have to take steps right back to where I was. I’m not certain what will become of me there.
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This semester has been unlike the first. I’ve become a fly on the wall in Ikebukuro and also in my personal life. Somehow these days, I float in a state of melancholy as I observe these times. But at the same time it’s not sad at all. It’s a calm acceptance.

Meeting and parting ways, though still tugs at my chest like no other, has turned into both a dull feeling of… “this is how life is”, and the excitement of, “when will I see you again.”

This year I feel like I have learned an incredible amount, but at the same time it’s like I’ve learned nothing at all. With all I have gained inside of myself, it doesn’t really change a single thing. I am still this person I have always been. Feelings only become that dull acceptance. Does that make life easier? I haven’t decided, but to be truthful it’s just a different kind of disconcern.

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But life is great. Breathing. Touching another person. Laughing. Seeing all of these beautiful moments that I can’t stop taking pictures of. Some days it is like nirvana. There is no sense of content or discontent. Things just are. And those are the moments that I think; I am actually alive and I am actually experiencing whatever life is.

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But I’m a person that is afraid. In a world I believe there are no constants. I still struggle with friendships and the commitment people call love. Maybe I will always find it pointless inside of me, but the connections I have made the past year… The people I call friends. The ones I can smile at. The people I could hug and wonder, “how do you love someone?” It has changed my world and given me this huge feeling in my heart and opened the world to me. Even if it’s on my own, there is so much in front of me to see. Somehow on my own path.

So even though I don’t know what to do when this clock screams in alarm that my time here is over… I will keep walking forward into everything that I have no clue about. In life we can only say, “I tried.”

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“Stay Hungry”

Blog, Twitter, Friends, Strangers.

How are you?

This place hasn’t been much of anything lately, huh? I came to Japan. I told you that much. I’ve neglected photos. I’ve forgotten to post videos. The place that helped me in many ways has been towards the back of my mind gathering dust. Mostly because I feel like I’m always saying the same things. But regardless, I miss this blanket.

Forgive me if this runs long. Let me show you my life again.
I want to start with a quote.

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These words are important to me right now. I still haven’t learned to let go. Since coming to Japan I have held on so much to things that just aren’t. Humans are flawed. I’m flawed. Absolutely nothing aside from the portraits the sun makes are perfect. If I want to put it dramatically, I feel that I have lost something very important. How to love a person. However, this loss may only be temporary, and for this time, it’s not something I miss.

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Because even if I become lonely, or sad, or feel broken sometimes and confused, I’m taking care of myself. I don’t have someone to hold me if I panic anymore. I don’t have a person to wipe my tears when I’m lost. I don’t have a person to confess my fears to. I realised this year that the people you think will always be in your life and have time for you, it’s not true. Time is constantly moving and your importance in a person’s priorities change. It’s the saddest feeling, but it just is. So all you can do is make yourself stronger. So I’ve been doing my best.

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The world is a lot bigger than I am. I don’t feel like I can as easily care about these small problems I have with people. I feel like if my biggest pain is feeling alone, I don’t have a real thing to complain about. A lot has happened while I’ve been in Japan. A family member passed away. A loved friend lost his life in a car accident. Paris was attacked. My home Uni’s town was gunned down.

The world is unfair and unforgiving. I don’t feel the need as much now to feel sorry for myself. I don’t feel the need to have this world baby me. I don’t see the point in hiding in fear of the world, anxiety, my problems. I’m going to die one day. And when the time comes, I hope no matter which way I go, be it in a parking lot to a gunman, old age, traveling some place random, I hope in my final moments I can smile because I tried my damn best.

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But even these words are false sometimes. Because of course I cry. Of course sometimes I’m weak. For sure I’m afraid of so many things. The biggest one right now, the next few months.

Spring Break is now for me. I traveled to Hokkaido. I said goodbye to my closest friends studying with me. I’m alone again. But this time I’m welcoming it with a sense of relief. I’ve been trying to study harder. I’ve been trying to think of myself. I’ve been really trying to not lean on others, though maybe the past couple days I failed.

I’m remembering that this time I have here in Japan is precious to me and how much I don’t want it to end. I want to be grateful for every single second I spend here. Because this time is too short.

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The plum blossoms came to Japan and soon the sakura will take over. Have I written about it before? That my one dream I held until now was to see the sakura bloom in Japan? To look into a forest of petals in this country. This became my dream when my parents separated. It pushed me through every trial of my life. Divorce, home problems, depression, anxiety, and the so many awful things I have ever done or thought to do to myself. Yeah, as I grew up I wanted to experience culture, people, food, etc. But the sakura are my credit to existing.

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I was really afraid when I came here. What do I live for after I accomplish this dream? But now… having lived these six months and learned all of these things, I know I’ll be okay. Even though I have no idea what’s after Japan. I have no idea what I want after graduation. I have no idea what I want for my life. I have no clear dreams and no passionate goals.

But a friend here told me their goal was to always “stay hungry”. Always for something. And all that I know for certain is that until my day comes, I want to say that I was hungry for life. Even if I was lost, I smiled and walked on confidently believing that things will work out somehow. To know that I tried hard and reached in every direction until I found things to become happy.

For me, I can’t believe anything is absolutely certain. I’m always changing and always growing and always wanting new things. So I don’t know where I’m going. But I know I’m interested to find out.

Until next time.

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Photoshoots~

It’s been a long time since I took photos just for the fun of posting them here! I used to do it all the time right?^^;

Recently I’ve felt like doing it again.

I bought this leopard leotard in October to use for Halloween but actually ended up being really sick that day. I felt like I wanted to put it to use so I decided to do some photos with it.

Actually, here in Japan I was able to join a freelance agency, but since I’m a full time student I can never be available for the jobs I’ve actually been picked for. It really sucks, but I guess at least I can still have fun on my own time?

Leotard and Circle Necklace : H&M
Collar: Spinns (Japan)

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