It’s 2 a.m. My eyes are heavy, the air is cold, and I’m playing my “at ease” playlist on Spotify. The cars that pass by are dwindling down, and the rowdy college boys have settled down, leaving a quiet calm in the air.
2 a.m to 3 a.m, as I always say, is the inbetween. My favourite place. During a party it is exactly during this time that people are either deciding to go to bed, or reaching the peak of their party spirit. During a typical night/early morning, this is the time strange things happen. Like bumping into a peculiar stranger while walking your dog, or finding an article of words that strikes your heart in a way you’ve been needing lately. My magic hour.
I’m entering that phase of restlessness again. Wondering about what my purpose is. How I influence others. What should I do for myself. Etc. As it’s seemed the past year or two, I can’t feel like I have any true complaints, but as always, there is just this emptiness that I feel I was born with. Medically, I guess it’s just anxiety/depression. The fun double whammy I live by. Or I’m a perfectionist that just can’t be pleased. Or my childhood was lacking. Maybe I’m bored. Or lazy. I guess it all depends on who you talk to, what I am. But simply, it’s just my feeling.
I feel like I’m in the 2 a.m/3 a.m cycle of my life. Like I only have one hour to choose something that is supposed to be life changing. I graduate in December, and suddenly, I just have to pick a random next step. Always I felt, I’ll go to Japan. That’s the only place I could do something. But suddenly, for the first time ever, I have a flicker of possibility that even here, I could do something. I started an unexpected job that is offering me much more than I imagined.
Also, recently in a class we discuss so much about what family means. Somehow, these past couple of years I’ve created so many families. Those who helped me find myself again. The one who taught me to stand up for myself and make no excuses. The ones scattered all over the world. The ones who now make waking up and going to work sound fun. I always had this image that family was supposed to stay constant. But I guess back in those days, I never felt connections with people at all.
I wonder often about that too these days… Which one is better; to be closed off and support myself, or to allow these feelings for others that ultimately just cause me a lot of pain and inconvenience? Most days I’m wishing I could shut myself away again, but to be honest, pain from caring so much… I feel that it’s the only way to feel some sort of purpose. And I can’t deny that since I’ve allowed these types of interactions, I have been given so much opportunity, regardless if I followed through with anything. In myself, I’ve grown to feel something. Now I just want to learn how to project that sort of thing.
There’s a lot that I’m questioning lately. So much I want to talk about and lose tears over. But I also want to live silently, smile for the sake of others, and just.. exist. Does it make sense…
I’ll try somehow to enjoy this inbetween… Even though with each passing tick of the clock I feel myself growing more and more torn apart inside, I know that no matter what happens next, somehow it can be an adventure.