Tag: relationships

Frankly, it’s none of your business.

As far as my open medias go, there has been a part of my current life that I try not to be too public about. As I wrote about once before, sometimes I have had moments where I feel extremely overwhelmed being a person that shares all parts of me on the internet. However, certain events have made me feel like writing about this, at least for those that know me to see. Which this is a first… I never write with the intention of the people I see in real life. So, how do I keep enough personal while also getting my point across… this is new to me.

I am currently experiencing a new relationship. An actual one, like, we say boyfriend and girlfriend and shit. He asked me himself to be all official; do guys still do that? It’s really gross, but also equally, if not more, enjoyable.

Though I constantly want to brag about him, post my little stalker photos, or super awesome supportive words he sends to me via snapchat, I decided that at least for the time being, I want to enjoy these little things just for myself. I feel lucky for what I’m experiencing right now, and frankly, it’s no one else’s business.

However, not everyone can see it this way. And one thing I’m honestly sick and tired of, not only in terms of relationships, but in general, is how girls are always pitted against one another. I have no hard feelings.

Something that everyone hopefully matures enough to understand is that each and every one of us has a past. All of us have hurt others somehow. Made silly or big mistakes. Said things we shouldn’t. Slept with people we maybe think we could have skipped over. Etc. But for some reason, some people can’t accept this, and want to force this into a relationship that isn’t theres.

I’m not sure how to word this as a general statement, so I’ll just state it purely from my experience in direction to those that continue to confront me. The one’s who find themselves most concerned in this area of my life, don’t know me on the level to warrant a care. Constantly trying to stir drama between myself and other girls of the past, or girls that are friends, etc, it’s more showing of who you are as a person than anything else.

In relationships everyone has insecurities. It’s not an easy thing to trust an individual with your feelings, and when others try to burst in with their own doubts and mischief…How do I turn this around as a learning experience…

I guess my own personal experience aside, the bottom line is, people will try to lessen what you have. I have experienced a lot of that the past year, and I listened to it. People who claimed to have supported me when I went abroad suddenly made me feel bad for having gone by acting as if I was privileged. Graduating university was met with ignorance and then words of I’m not doing enough now. And now my personal relationships for some reason are under evaluation as well.

I think it’s important to notice your own success and the things that you are aiming for. I couldn’t see that for some reason before when I returned from Japan. I worked very hard to go to Japan, and I did it on my own. I made my own way through university. And I’m making my own way now. Though support from others is always warming, it’s not needed to kick ass and be the person you want to be.

So focus on yourselves. I say in both a positive and aggressive way. Focus on accomplishing your own goals and your own happiness, and shut the fuck up when it comes to the lives of other people.

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How are you?

Recently, I’m trying to be sure to set aside reflection times. The first two weeks of the semester it was work, class, study, bed. During the weekdays I took no time for myself and of course I burned out very quickly.

My American life is busy in a hectic way. I am working on my last two classes of my college life, trying to pay rent, and trying to get my resume together to take the next steps into that work life. But right now is my update, since I haven’t really done one, and especially posted photos, so if it’s long, bear with me?

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Settling back into my life in America has pulled forward all that I learned in Japan. Some things you don’t realise until you come back, and I guess that’s why it’s important that study abroad has an ending, even if you never want it to end.

I learned how precious some of my friendships are, but how to manage them in a more healthy way. I have a tendency to hold on tightly to things and make them the most important thing. However, sometimes you find yourself distant from the ones you wish you could be with always. I have learned that meeting new people and trying to form new connections is valuable. It doesn’t mean that the people you care so much for will be replaced, it simply means that you can possibly meet people who will one day hold so much importance.

Recently a friend I made in Japan was able to visit me. And I know with no doubt, those we wish to see, we will cross paths again one day. Sometimes it can be hard with social media to watch everyone continue on with their lives. I get such jealous feelings like, “I want to be there. I wish I was that person to be next to them.” But I realise instead to focus on the happiness of my friends. Because their happiness is what is truly important to me.

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Which leads me to something else. When sometimes love doesn’t work out, it’s so easy to stay bitter. I learned so much about acceptance when it comes to love/liking someone. Especially in the case it doesn’t work out.

To be honest, losing a relationship that lasted 7 years was the best thing that happened to me the past two years, or has it been three…?

It allowed me to leave the world behind me and travel to a new country with no ties to the past. I could explore myself and make the same “mistakes” as the rest of the world seems to make. I got to be surrounded by many couples making “bad” choices. I got to see cheating, and listen to talks of love, the future, etc, etc. I got to look at a relationship from an outsiders point of view. I was able to shed my own bitterness and form the final conclusion that, for me, the status of a relationship doesn’t matter at all. To love people, even if you cheat, I think it’s a wonderful feeling.

Maybe because I believe everyone is unfaithful to a point, I can’t trust in relationships yet, but our time with people is so short and unsure that I realise that there is no point in playing coy about your feelings. I think it’s so important to express yourself and be bold. For me, I think it’s so great to meet people and learn from them. Even if you part ways.

This also helped me realise that I can’t control what people think about me. I guess making videos on the internet played a role as well. No matter what I’m doing, people can find something bad in it. Or simply something they don’t like. Everyone has their own opinions. So I should just live as I want. As long as I feel confident in myself that I’m doing my best to be understanding and kind, I shouldn’t be worried about the thoughts of others.

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Some friends still worry so much about being judged. But I believe everyone should express themselves as they choose. Sometimes I wonder if my choices of expression will one day land me in trouble, but until that day, I want to live freely. For those that can’t understand me, there is no point in wasting my energy trying to change their view.

This attitude towards my life has also changed how I look at others. Maybe my first reaction is, “wow… what a bitch.” or “They’re a shit person.” But in the end of it, I always try to remind myself, “Everyone is a way for some reason. Whether or not I agree with that reason, it doesn’t matter. That is the person they are. If I dislike it, then I don’t need to my energy in that place.” Just as I can act as I please, I can’t judge others so harshly for their own ways.

Some people scold me for living in such a grey area. But I like this place best.

But still, my life is as my blog says: “not so interesting.” Simply, I’m still growing and trying to do the best that I can and see where that takes me at my own pace. Recently my sister told me, “You sound somehow like you’ve matured.” And I want to believe that I can keep growing positively and love everyone and myself so much.Screen Shot 0028-09-19 at 21.18.22.png

Joker & Harley Kind of Thing~

Okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Conversations with dad are always fun and thought provoking for me. He is as level headed as one can be. Things are the way they are, no more questions asked. Etc. Yet, he’s grown up with this weird ball of flesh that has never done anything simply.

Today I spent with babies. Terrifying things that I have written about previously. I asked my pops, “Hey… will you be upset if you don’t get a grandbaby from me?” (He’s heard me say several times I don’t want a kid of my own.) He swears to me that one day I will meet the right man and maybe change my mind. That since I haven’t met the right man, of course I wouldn’t want to have children.

What the fuck is the right man?

Maybe I’m just a sore loser, but I tried that one. And I worked for that. And I thought, well if I ever accidentally got pregnant, I could deal with it with this person. But I still didn’t want a kid. Just if it were to happen, then it would be manageable some how.

So I started thinking about the recent increase of Joker and Harley, “omggggg” memes spamming the internet lately since Suicide Squad gained popularity. You know… #relationshipgoals.

So everyone has to point out how fucked up Joker and Harley’s relationship is, because obviously none of us can see on our own that we probably don’t want a man to choke us (outside the bedroom if you’re into that).

Okay, look… these hopeless romantics are seeing a bigger picture here. Abusive crap aside, Joker and Harley are what the kids these days call “ride or die”. They, and I quote, “fuck with each other.” Which is supposed to mean something along the lines of, no matter what happens, they support one another.

He’s crazy, she’s not all there, and they accept the faults in one another. And they have some crazy passion stuff going on. They are probably pretty freaky behind closed doors. Or in public… I could see that from them.

And isn’t that what people are looking for? A person that can deal with their crazy? Because I don’t think it’s wrong for me to say that I’m a little bit out of reach for all of that stereotypical “get a man and have a family” jazz that everyone seems so hell bent on.

I don’t think it’s wrong for me to say that relationships die out 99% of the time and the rest of the time is just dealing with each other because you’ve put in so much time or a divorce is too costly, etc, etc.

Plus, as I’m typically “one of the boys”, I’ve learned a decent amount on how most seemingly successful relationships work… lies and secrets. “What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her.” “My emotions are with her, but physical and something else.”

It’s 100% realistic to say that you can absolutely love someone but still cheat. Do we want to accept that? Of course not. But it’s true none the less.

My family has always scolded me for living in a different world than the rest of people. But just as everything, my anxiety, my lack of desires for standard things, my feelings on this are simply my feelings.

And honestly, I would rather live a crazy honest life than one I’m supposed to force smiles and act like it’s the best thing I’ve experienced.