Tag: learning

Inbetween the chaos.

I’m in that phase again of not knowing how to say what I’m feeling. Because I don’t really know what I’m feeling. Well.. I know… but I’m also feeling the exact opposite of that. Do you understand?


October has come, and during Autumn it’s usually my most intimate time. The weather is getting colder, time is slowing down, and people are becoming lonely. For many years now, October has become a month of strange times for me. I hate October, but at the same time, October always offers me valuable lessons.

My life as it is now feels I’m doing things that I would rather be doing the opposite of. I’m inside often studying. I study so much, and yet I feel I’m not learning a thing. I sit inside facing the window watching the leaves blow in the wind. They are changing colours now. And I just want to lay out there in the sun with my camera, in a sweater. With a friend.


Conversations are becoming empty again. How do we separate between those we can talk to and those we can simply be around? How do you decide who to trust? These things I’m not sure of still. Probably it’s just part of me that won’t change. But I know that recently I just want real conversations. I want to talk about how fucked up we are in our minds. I want to look at stars and wonder why we’re here in this moment. I want to ask someone random questions.

They say that time heals all. I’m not certain that it’s true. I think there is always a little bit of damage that cannot be undone, but I do think that as time moves on, somehow, we figure out how to be a little more strong. We find ourselves thinking that maybe we can take risks again. Maybe I’m feeling that way recently.


“Japan has changed you.” People say that. I talk more loudly. I laugh more often. And maybe this is good. But I can’t say it’s really who I am. Japan taught me very well how to present myself in a way that my society finds more acceptable. When honestly, I just want to sit alone and observe the world as I used to.

This fast paced semester of people with fake smiling faces can be so tiring. When inside everyone is just pretending for the sake of the company of others. But we don’t really need all of that. Because in between all of this chaos, I think we should be happy with ourselves. And I still want to continue forward on my own two feet.



“You are American. I am Japanese.”

“Love” and “Friendship” are two of my favourite things to write about because I have no understanding of either of them. Do they have a purpose? Do we need them? Why do we crave them? All the questions are endless in my mind when it comes to these two topics. But since being in Japan I’ve felt I’ve learned a little about friendship.

After last year, the year I will always refer to as the year that changed my life, I didn’t believe there was a point to meeting new people. Those that I considered to be the most close to me are completely unique and unreplaceable. I remember thinking a lot after my best friend left that having becoming friends with this person had been such a waste of my time. We get so close to people and they eventually just leave. I still think it’s true. But, in all honesty, they haven’t left me.

No… I can’t text them every day with random antics and joke about in the same manner or spend the same kind of time. All of that has faded away with their new life. But in my times where I need to hear truthful words, I can always rely on them. And they know they can always rely on me. This person will always be in my heart.¬†They changed my life in some of the best ways. And I will never forget them.

This showed me that despite the fact that we all have to separate eventually, the people who are of true value in your life will always be there for you. Maybe it can’t be every day. Maybe sometimes it will feel like they’ve forgotten you. But really, they are still the ones that are looking out for you the most.

Making friends in Japan scared the hell out of me. I’m not talkative. I’m kind of weird. And let’s not get into emotional baggage. I’m still not 100% on accepting myself, so how will total strangers who only have to put up with me for a few months see me as a friend?

Sometimes finding out who is genuine in Japan can be difficult because our cultures are so different. I had a fall out with a friend recently and thought, “well, I guess it’s just because our cultures are too different.” Yesterday when the same topic came up with another friend I thought… well… I just can’t have a true Japanese girl friend here. But this friend listened openly and accepted my feelings as we discussed them both in my shitty Japanese and in English. To me she said many things.

“You are American. I am Japanese. But nationality doesn’t matter so much I think. I want you to be happy because you are really good friend to me.”

So this struck me… Despite the cultural differences and the language barrier… despite the struggle of fully being able to understand one another, her and I made it work because she is a friend of true value. No matter what the problem or difficulty, a true friend will understand you at the end and support you. It made me realise that the friend I lost couldn’t have been a great friend. And I really appreciate this experience.

I get caught up on a lot of little things as I always do. But the things I’m learning make every struggle I face here seem so small. It’s been about 2 and half months now in Japan. I know there are so many hurdles still to come. I know I’m going to cry and be hurt. But I know more that what I take from this whole experience… that’s what I’ll cherish the most.

Thoughts From A Brazilian BBQ

Today I got invited to attend a Brazilian BBQ! I feel like I wrote about the Brazilian girl I met awhile back.. but finally I was able to attend a gathering she invited me to. (More like I finally sucked up my anxiety and went.)

And I am so happy I did! I’ve always wanted to visit Brazil just because it looked pretty, but the people are AMAZING! So friendly and fun and the food… SO GOOD!

They also made a Brazilian drink called, CAIPIRINHA~ I was a little worried about it at first.. They cut up lemons and added sugar then only vodka. I don’t know how you do drinks, but for me I’m always mixing in all kinds of juice. I was sure it was going to be awful, but it was so delicious! Probably the best drink I’ve had this year. I wish I wouldn’t have had homework to do for the week or else I would have had a lot to drink. ^^

I probably gained ten pounds today from all the meat they had. Mostly I ate chicken and a type of garlic bread. But they also had tomatoes, rice, and beef, maybe even pork too. Of course we played soccer! I miss soccer so much. I think I need to start running so I can play with friends more often.

Experiences like this are always so rewarding for me. With my anxiety it’s so easy for me to think I should just be happy with what I have. But meeting new people and experiencing new things are the best things in the world I think.

I get so caught up in my anxiety moods I forget how amazing the world is. I forget how amazing the people can be. I want to travel so much in my life. I want to experience the places my friends come from. I want to know their culture, try their food, and walk on the same ground as they do.

I want these experiences to be the¬†companionship I can’t find staying still.



Lately I only post when I’m being a sad little baby.

Truth is, if I’m being 100% honest, I think my biggest problem is just I’m not used to being so social. I know that sounds incredibly sad, but it does drain me. I digest and dissect every conversation at least three times. I question every relationship on my terms and on the other persons. I’m not sure why… but being this way causing me un-realistic stress.

I am feeling happy after a message I received, and I wanted to make sure that everyone here knows that I write openly about my feelings because they aren’t things I actually talk about openly to people I know. I need an outlet. But though you guys see me and accept me at my worst, I am actually enjoying so much right now!

Those few people that I don’t question too much have influenced me so much. They reassure me on my dreams of going to Japan and support me and make me laugh. I have met a couple of people that I hope I can always keep a part of my life and I’m beyond grateful for them.

And I’m becoming even more aware I could be in Japan this time next year! JAPAN! I’m terrified! Something I’ve hoped for since I was five… hanami… It will happen. I am glad I realised that I needed to follow my heart. I wish I would have known this sooner, but all of the experiences I have had prior to this moment, I really think I have become stronger.

I don’t credit myself enough…I think you all know that. But I am growing every single day. I want to be someone I can be proud of and make everyone I meet be proud of too.

Thank you so much everyone who reads my blog. Please stay by my side and I will finally be able to pay you back when I have adventures in Japan! I will keep doing my best!

Parties, Sex, & Making Friends

Yesterday I went against all I normally do. Typically the weekends are for locking away from the world these days. But yesterday I was invited to go to a haunted house with two girls from my class and a few of the Japanese exchange students. Normally I would never go to a haunted house. I’m easily frightened and I was worried what if I have a panic attack? But I had a very amazing time. I’m becoming happy knowing that most times when I take risks good things come from it.

Then around midnight I was invited out to a party. I mostly wanted to stay home because I didn’t really know anyone at the party very well and felt I would just sit alone and leave after ten minutes in awkwardness. But I decided to push myself again and asked the two girls from class to join me.

I had the most fun last night that I’ve had in awhile. It wasn’t awkward at all! Everyone was very nice and though I can’t be sure everyone remembers everything, I got to talk to many new people. I lived across from campus however and was far too wavy to walk home. So next thing I knew it was 5 a.m. A soccer ball rolled across the floor and I disappeared into the couch.

Don’t worry, this isn’t a scary party story. However, waking up this morning was weird because though I slept alone and didn’t make any risky choices last night, it was the first time I’ve really been out and social since Shad broke up with me. I still worry a lot about his feelings even though I don’t want to be with him now. So as I over think everything, I still felt bad for sleeping over at a boys house. But they do have a nice girl roommate so I guess it’s not that bad.^^

Today as I said I’ve just been thinking… I’ll admit I’ve had some feelings of shame just because I’m worried parties result in fake friends. My first year here as I’ve mentioned before, the friends I partied with made up rumours about me and them. I will admit to myself that I’m a playful drunk. But things like kissing/sex are not me. To be honest, I’m not really interested in those things at all for myself. But I think it’s easy to be taken the wrong way.

But, I’ll hope that these people are different. I’m trying to understand that some people just suck. It doesn’t mean they all have to. I don’t want to take every shitty person I run into too personally. And I don’t want to be scared to meet people in fear that they’ll be a shitty person. I’ve missed out on a lot I think the past couple of years thinking that way.

Fighting Back

Lately as I’ve mentioned my anxiety has been miserable. I’ve been doing well about fighting off panic attacks, but it wears me down a lot. I’m constantly tired and having to fight off negative emotions. It sucks because everything is going well, it’s just the way my head works.

Because of past experiences, I’m a paranoid person about other people. I’m meeting so many nice people this year, but there is always a bit of me that believes they will turn out bad. I find myself wanting to draw away. It’s hard to fight off that natural feeling. But I’m doing my best.

Also my anxiety wants to stop me from involving myself in things. Today we had a dinner event and my anxiety was awful. I worried the food I made would suck, no one would talk to me, what if I had a panic attack there? But I pushed through and had a good time and met more nice people. I’ve even made a language partner! But the minute I got into my car my body just shut down.

I don’t like being so exhausted. I wish I was a person that loved to have attention and many friends and could just have fun all of the time. But it all wears me down so much and I have to constantly fight myself.

I’m not trying to be a baby about it. I think all of this fighting is a good thing. I can tell I’ve grown a lot. And I want to continue that growth. Even though it is emotionally tiring for me, I see all of the positives that come from taking risks like this, and I want to keep pushing forward for the life that I want.

I think if I can do that, even I do get hurt sometimes, this could be a very rewarding year.