Tag: anxiety

The Future.

It’s graduation time once again. Even though it’s been a year since my own graduation, I’m still bitter. I remember being enrolled in my undergraduate program and seeing people before me graduate. The cheesy cap and gown photos… the families making a big fuss… I longed for that kind of feeling… a sense of accomplishment. To think, despite everything growing up, I had come so far.

Mine was a little different though… I had worried about being an inconvenience… I had filled myself with so much anxiety that select people in my life would complain about the hours spent at a graduation ceremony. They would deem it a waste of time and a day I was excited about would be ruined. I decided to believe myself that a graduation ceremony was a waste of time and money. So I opted not to graduate that way and invited family for dinner instead. A dinner which no one was bothered to come to. And like so many other times in my life I brushed it off. Who needs family, right?

I realised today I’ve been holding on to that bitterness ever since. But, I want to change my attitude to never let myself or others feel like their accomplishments aren’t worth celebrating.

You see, I have incredible friends. Three special humans that put all of their own differences aside, their own stresses, etc, and took me downtown for dinner and drinks. Seeing all of the families around me celebrate was hard… and I wanted mostly to just cry and lock myself away. But here I was with these three smiling faces that refused to let me be alone. The same way that they had been doing for the past couple of years. The family holidays I would skip. The no good boys I would cry over. ALL of the stupid shit I would do or say. My anxieties. My depression. My sometimes rude sense of humour. My struggles in Japan. And even now I as I look to the future with uncertainty.

Those are the memories and feelings I should hold on to. People like that are the only ones that should matter during my accomplishments.

I spent some time after graduation feeling sorry for myself. And that’s something I never want to do again. Nearly all of my life I have spent placing my worth in the hands of people who simply will never be pleased with anything I do. Be it family, strangers, or people I had called friends. The truth in life is that sometimes, certain people come along and can not accept us as we are. And that’s no one’s fault.

I don’t want to live a life where I feel sorry for myself. And I certainly don’t want to blame others. What does that do? I want to just spread positivity, especially on the days that are hard for me. Because, let’s face it, even though I’m saying all of these things, I’m going to be sad, and mad, and so hurt some days over events of the past.

But all we can do is aim to grow stronger and build something brighter. Surround ourselves with people who bring light into our lives despite the darkness we wish to bury ourselves in.

I don’t know about my future. I don’t know if the things I’m stressed over now will pay off. I won’t be able to meet the timelines of others. My way might not be the best way. But it is my life, and the only thing I can try to control is what I put into it. And the people I allow to be involved in it.

So if you’re ever questioning yourself… am I doing a good job? Is it okay to celebrate this? Am I awesome? If you have to ask yourself, then you’re doing just fine. Even if it feels like your family or friends or anyone isn’t rooting for you, I can guarantee that people are.  The amount of times in the past few years that I’ve gotten messages from near strangers or people I haven’t talked to since high school just to tell me they get inspired from me or to offer encouragement is wild. We may feel alone, but we never really are.

So yeah, you’re awesome. And make the future whatever you want it to be.

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Insane people.

It’s a little bittersweet right now… As I’m trying to dedicate my words and energy into the projects I hope to create this year, I’m not sure how to word things on my blog to keep everyone up to date.

I’m currently undergoing something that I have been really terrified of for the past year; going off of my medication for anxiety. I’ve been wanting to attempt it for a long while now, but I’ve always been too scared, so as soon as I start to feel the negative side effects I run right back to these pills I’m told keep me a little more sane.

Sadly, the American health care system is a cruel joke to most, and now has come my time to suffer from it’s inadequacy.  It’s been a rough few days.

But I promised myself that I would try hard in 2018 to not the be the negative person I had become when I returned from Japan. I want to believe that things happen when they are supposed to happen. So even though I have lost a lot the past year, and this week has been emotionally draining, I want to accept things as they come.

The past two days I haven’t felt much of anything. I find myself staring blankly at people and not registering words. And I feel so angry and frustrated because I don’t feel like I can say, “Sorry, I’m just coming off my meds.” and people will understand. I know inside it’s rude of me to think; “leave me the fuck alone.” But I just want to be in an unknown place, alone, with nothing but music and words and art.

I’ve been wanting to lose myself mostly in those things. I want to create endlessly, mostly because it keeps my mind off of the world and my messed up self.

I remember a quote I read once about how people who were considered to be genius were insane. I think of the ways in which people compliment me. In the ways I write sometimes, or art, or advice I give. Maybe all artists are insane. It’s not genius, it’s just reality is so unreal to us that we have to entertain our minds with what others consider the impossible.

As I begin to be more open about this side of me, I’ve been thinking how growing up I always hid it. When my life became impacted by negativity and I felt that everything I did was awful and mediocre. All of these skills I should have been proud of, I became extremely ashamed of.

My love for art, languages, words, and weird shit. It’s hard not to think where I could be now if I had only embraced who I was from the beginning.

How I always felt that the things that made my empty self feel empowered were things others could never accept… But there is a world of people like me. Scared, passionate people that also feel nothing at all. All we can do is put out things we create to somehow feel and relate to the world around us.

On the nights I want to die and I can’t fall asleep, writing and drawing make the empty spaces fill with something colourful. On the days when all the words people speak to me sound hazy and far away, a book can feel like the true world I belong to and the characters are either myself or friends.

Maybe I am insane and alone. But I also think maybe there could possibly be a place in this gross world for people like me.

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Body Talk.

Sometimes when I’m in a bought of depression/anxiety I find myself watching some pretty extreme movies. Last night I came across a Korean film titled, Beautiful; and it kind of fucked me up for a minute.

The film follows a woman who is deemed extremely attractive by all the men and women around her. Ultimately she is stalked and raped and continuously victim blamed. Just when I thought that there would some sort of redemptive character in the story, the plot just gets more and more sickening.

I have two standard thoughts when it comes to my appearance and why I tend to dress in a more so called casual style. One is that I lack confidence. When I try something on, I will think I look great until I’m about to leave, then I find myself wondering how others will judge me. Does it actually look good? Will people think I’m slutty? Etc.

The other is fear of unwanted attention. I’ve had my share of run ins and assaults as I’m sure most women, and sadly children, have. So I’ve always had this fear in the back of my mind that if I look a certain way, then I’m asking for trouble.

Today I remembered a video I had made while I was in Japan after listening to friends complain about their bodies at sento. In high school I was often complimented about being small and friends saying they wish they looked like me without really knowing my own struggles. And when it comes to family, especially around the holidays, I fear being around because I always get comments about being “too skinny.”

Hell, even for not being romantically interested in a guy I was criticized for being “too skinny anyway.” It really disgusts me the way females are attacked over how we look, no matter how we look. So I wanted to post this video here too.

“Job Title: Happy”

My friends in Japan often tease me a bit because I enjoy watching a Japanese TV program titled, Terrace House. I’m still not so great at defending my likes when people tease me for them yet, so usually I just say I watch the show so I have more opportunity to listen to Japanese. But truthfully, I find it pretty inspiring.

One of my favourite things about Japanese culture is the “do your best” attitude. Of course everything in moderation, but in a general sense, it was so easy for me to become inspired during my time in Japan because everyone around me was constantly doing their best. Sometimes here in the states I become effected by everyone else… we tend to only do the minimum to succeed, or feel things don’t matter so much. So I find myself becoming depressed more often and every day is hard to find reason to keep motivated.

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Since graduating it seems people feel more of a need to comment on what I do with my life. How much money I should make, where I should live, etc. I’ve lost recently the sense that I know what’s best for me. I keep thinking I’ve found the path I want most, but then something makes me doubtful. I want to believe in myself more like I had a couple years ago.

As I watch Terrace House, I started to relate to a member, Arman. He and I have a similar outlook on life, but I felt that it must simply be because we are American. I thought maybe this was a fault in us; our carefree, go with the flow type of attitude.

However, in an episode I just finished, he was greatly complimented by someone older. That he should never change, and that his career aspirations shouldn’t change him or define him. It should remain his attitude that is his sole life purpose.

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Being the same age as Arman, I guess it also meant something. I’m not sure why we do it, but we put such a strict timeline on ourselves. I should have a house by this age, married by this age, children by this age, a proper career by now, etc. But I’ve never felt it mattered so much… Accomplishments can be made at any age, and just by reaching a certain age, accomplishments shouldn’t stop. When I was younger, I had felt at 25 I would have done all of the things listed above, but now that I am 25, all of those things are the least important to me.

It’s hard to find people that truly understand that feeling, or at least accept it. I’m noticing patterns in myself as far as my negative behaviour can be, and how much of an impact that can have on my depression and anxiety. I know that with my brain being this way, things can be more difficult, but I am trying to become even stronger than the person that I was when I was also doing my best.

I’m not sure the best way to pursue the things I’m aiming for, or how to deal with the doubtful feelings surrounding them, but I’m hoping that I can work on it and become more of the person I long to be. I hope that somehow I can return to the Holly that didn’t care about the negative opinions of others.

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