Slow Day at the Office

It’s summer time for many of us college students, so that means my job just got a whole lot easier. I work in a Biology lab at a college, but since the summer bio classes just ended, we’re basically free birds now. We’re going to spend the next two months cleaning and re-doing lab manuals, but to be honest, we’ve started all of that and are almost finished.

Though the day goes extremely slow I can’t really complained that they pay me to hang out, work on my own summer classes, and even try and study Japanese. Or right now… just posting a little update at work.

I had another panic/anxiety attack at work last week. It didn’t last as long as the first. Then a couple days later I was on the verge of one at home, but I think I calmed myself down. After spending a few days upset and worried this is my life, I decided, no, this isn’t going to beat me. Why these have started occurring I’m not sure, but I know I’m not going to continue to let it happen.

I’ve always stressed about everything. I strive for perfection, even though nothing is every really good enough. I think those feelings have just caught up with me. I’ve decided I need to learn to be more calm and accepting of who I am and understand that not everything will be flawless. And I should honestly admire the flaws in my life.

I’d like to practice mediation. For now I simply focus on breathing. In. Out. In. Out. I feel like I’ve already become more relaxed these past couple of days. I would also like to start paying more attention to the way I eat. I was home alone a lot growing up and basically always ate junk food. Since I’m fortunate to have a high metabolism, I’ve also never had to watch my weight. But I think nutrition plays a huge role in how you feel. So I’d like to try to steer more towards foods that I don’t really enjoy, but my body will be happy for.

Also some ways I’ve been using to de-stress are getting back into old hobbies. I love art! But I always feel like I don’t have time to do it. Honestly, I copy most things I draw so I can’t say I’m creative, but I do feel if I can re-create what others do, good for me. I always add my own details to make the picture more of what I would want anyway. I did this other day:


I copied the body forms. I’m not sure who the original artist of the forms is, other wise I would post it. I simply just made the picture black and white with my own shading preferences and added the angel/devil theme with her tears. Drawing and painting really calm me. I never realize the hours are passing when I’m wrapped up in art.

Shad and I also went to the lake on Sunday. I also love nature and spending the day in the sun listening to the waves crash onto the shore reminded me that I need to make more time for nature as well.

I feel like my soul needs these simply things. I get too caught up in living this life that I feel I’m forced into. I can’t stand college and I can’t stand living in a city, even though mine is small. But I want to focus on more positive things than negative. I want to make time for what I truly enjoy. Stop stressing so much about money and grades. Sure they have their importance.

But there is so much more to life then the things we were simply forced into caring about.


ベストフレンド .。o♡

I think someone you can call a “true” friend is something very rare to come by. We all have our friends and our best friends, but how many “true” friends can you say you have?

Ever since I was a toddler I never saw the point in friends. I only wanted to hang out with my older sister. Obviously as I grew up I made friends of my own, but (sorry for sounding dramatic) I believe friendships cause pain. To spare the boring details, simply the friends I had known my whole life all stabbed me so deep in the chest when I met Shad that sometimes I still don’t know how I consider them friends. (I do still remain close with two of them though.)

Getting to the point of this post: I met a girl named Caroline in middle school. I considered her a “bad girl” so to say, so never really felt interested in talking to her, but high school rolled around and though I forget how, we started to become closer. She even joined the soccer team after my endless begging. She moved across the country from me the summer after our Sophomore year. Today she sent me this:


We always say to that to one another. And those letters in the heart; my initials.

Now, when it comes to couples getting names tattooed on each other, I frown upon it, but for some reason having a friend who would permanently ink me on her body made me want to cry.

I haven’t seen Carly for two years, and we are poor at communicating via electronics, so I often feel like I’ll be forgotten. But this just made me feel like there’s no way we could ever forget one another.

Carly is my one special friend that I could never find another of if I searched the entire galaxy. She truly is another part of me. The wild outgoing part of course! I’ve never been able to truly be myself around anyone. Say how I truly feel, act how I truly am. But with Carly it’s always been different.

I can’t even begin to describe some of the crazy moments we’ve gotten ourselves into or the inside jokes we’ve created.

Caroline has never hurt me in the slightest way. (Besides not moving back to where I am! But I can’t blame her for that.) I miss her every day, but I can’t help but feel how lucky I am to have found someone like her. My out look on the world I have to admit is bleak, and my view on humans as a whole is even worse, but those rare people you find…They make the light in the world shine so much brighter. I’d be lost if I didn’t have a friend like Carly.

Daddys and Daughters

Since today is Father’s Day, what better to blog about than my dear old man.


(I’m the one year old fat baby. The cute brown eyed tot is my older sister, Cortney. Jealous I get to blow out the candle it seems.^^ )

I’ll be vague as always and simply say that I had some very hard feelings for my dad starting in the 5th grade up until last year I’d say. We had some conflicting moments in our home life and I didn’t like who he had become and how I was being treated.

But despite that, I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. When my parents where together my mom used to get so upset that I’d fuss all day long, but when dad got home I was all smiles and coo’s.

When my parents split up for good and I stayed with my dad, those early years are some of my most treasured memories. Movies, bowling alleys, hot dogs and mac&cheese. My little tom-boy self couldn’t have asked for a better dad.

Even though things changed for awhile between us, I never once stopped remembering him as my super hero. I think that’s why things hurt so much. He had always been there for me, and I had felt like I lost that.

But since last year I’ve let those issues be known and our relationship I feel has snapped right back to what it was. I think I’m his biggest supporter, and though I don’t always feel like it, I’m sure he is mine as well. I’m always aiming to make him proud.

Good or bad, I’ve learned great things from him. Whether what not to do, or what to do. Whatever his mistakes, and whatever my hard feelings, I would never change the fact that out of all the dads in the world, I got this one.


Love you dad!


Beaches and Babies

So far this Summer season in my state has been very rainy. Which is good since last year was very dry. But at the same time I miss the sunshine! It seems all the good days I’m working.

But yesterday it was finally a clear sky! Shad has been working so much lately, but he didn’t have to leave until the evening, so we spent an afternoon at the beach!


There is a tiny little beach near where I live. We like to go there instead of traveling the 45 minutes to the larger beach where most college students go. This beach near our home is often full of families. Most don’t like a child invested beach, but I love listening to the kids play and have fun. I think it’s refreshing.

When we first arrived there was only a mother and her son there. Shad and I gave them plenty of space and just soaked up the sun. Awhile later though I suddenly heard foot steps very close to me and opened my eyes to see the little boy hovering over me.

“Look what I found! I lost this last time I was here and I never thought I’d see it again!” He exclaimed happily showing me a marble. Normally I’m hesitant to talk to stranger’s children. You never know what kind of parent you are going to run into. But this little boy chatted with Shad and I for a good 15 minutes. He had just turned five and he was baffled we hadn’t been to his party. He bragged about all his skills. He could juggle, shoot his arrow ALL the way across the lake, and he could even never drown because he can float.

To encourage him I told him that I was never able to learn to juggle and that he was very impressive with his skills. To which he told me “Well you know all you have to do is practice! Practice a lot and you can do it!”

And this child’s attitude has stuck with me since then.

To feel like you can do anything you set your heart to…It must be such an amazing feeling.

I’m not sure when I lost those feelings in myself…

I hope I have a little while before I am a parent, but I hope my child never loses that sight of life. I want to do my best to make dreams come true for my own child. My biggest wish in life is that my child will never feel the way I did, or how many children feel growing up.

Happiness and confidence. Children radiate those things. Why we all choose to grow up and lose the fun in our eyes, I’m not sure. “Adults” could learn far more things from their children then they could ever begin to teach.

That is what I think.

Random Memories

I posted some of this on my facebook, but I decided to put it here, because who on facebook cares about what others have to say?

My grandfather died my freshman year of college. Only two days before I was supposed to come home for the Summer and see him. With out going into too much detail I will just say that my grandpa had made mistakes in his life. Ones that he had to pay for until the end. I never thought this was fair. I’m awful when I know someone is going to die. I don’t want to be around them because I don’t want to cry in front of them. But I wanted to let my grandpa know I loved him. I wanted to ask his permission also if I could have and fix up his old car. I never got that chance…The car was still given to me, but honestly I feel bad getting something just because someone passed away. That’s not how I wanted it. I wanted to ASK. I wanted HIS permission. I can’t stand the way family hovers over a dying family member planning what will be theirs. It makes me sick. But with father’s day coming up, I was thinking of my dad, and also my grandpa.

FB Post:
I hated this day, but I love this picture so much because my gramps was really happy. When I was a little kid I never wanted anyone to be alone. Which is why when my parents divorced and I didn’t understand what was happening I chose to stay with my dad because I didn’t want him to be alone like grandpa. I learned from my grandpa that every one makes mistakes. Parents make the biggest ones. And they have to live their whole life with regret, but still try and believe that they were right. Despite what others do to me, I try my best to pretend that I forget, so I won’t burden them the way they have burdened me. “There comes a time when children must protect their parents, despite their deepest feelings.” I believe that. With out him knowing I’ve learned the biggest lessons from my grandpa despite being so young. I’ll always regret never telling him that. And I hope whatever new life you have, you’ll have love, and you’ll wear this smile every day.



Updates & Sushi Dates♡

Last time I wrote I was really just venting because I was freaked out so I figured I should update. I was completely shaken up after that whole anxiety attack incident it took me a couple days to unwind, but I think all is well!

I knew from the start I didn’t want to go into ‘shelter mode’, which is what I tend to do when I get really sick/stressed/whatever. I shut off from everyone until I feel better, but when it comes to anxiety I know the last thing you should do is feed it. The next night after the incident my boyfriends pal was in town celebrating her 23rd birthday. I was scared to go out with Shad and all of his friends in case I panicked again, but I knew I didn’t want to believe every time I left the house I’d have an episode, so I went out and made it through. I did take another day off of work on Monday, but I think it was just what I needed because I feel fine basically now.

I still get a little nervous in the greenhouse because that’s where it happened. I’m not sure why it did. But hopefully it’s nothing common!


Today Shad and I went out on a nice sushi date!


I got the crab roll and crunchy roll. So so good! Shad ordered a couple of things with scallops in them.

Shad has decided he would like to study Japanese with me too! I’m not sure if he really will focus that much outside of a class room, it’s even hard for me! But he said he would even like to take the courses at university with me next year. Since he is going to school for engineering, he said it would be good to learn Japanese since he wants to do business in Japan as well. It will be nice to have him learn the language with me since we will be able to practice with one another. (Hopefully he was serious…) But if not I will still do my best!

Farewell for now. Thank you for reading.^^


I don’t like talking about really personal things in my life, but also sometimes it helps me move past things if I finally open up about it so I thought I’d give it a shot.

I’ve always had a lot of anxiety and always over stress about everything, but yesterday at work I believe I had a panic attack. I’ve been extra worried with summer classes and financial things, but I’ve never had a panic attack before.

It was a really calm day at work and I got to work in the greenhouse, but out of nowhere I just felt like I wasn’t getting enough air. My hands were shaking and I felt light headed and my chest felt like it was under a lot of pressure. Am I dying? Is what I actually thought.

I knew I was just stressing out so I wandered around a bit to take deep breathes and tried to go back to work. But it was only getting worse. I thought maybe I needed to get out of the green house so I traded tasks with a co-worker. As soon as I started my next task I felt like crying and passing out. I finished the task and asked to go home.

Once home I felt a little more relaxed, but ever since then I can’t help but get a little shaky and pressure in my chest when I think about it. Even typing it now…

I know I need to just calm down and relax, but I can’t help but worry that this won’t go away. I’m already an anxious person and I don’t want something like this to start getting me down and worried to do every day things like go to work. Hopefully as the stress winds down so will this mood.

Still a really freaky thing. I hoped by sharing it I will get past it a little faster.