Just for Fun: Red Pants Photography

I’ve slowly been getting back into my normal hobbies; painting, Japanese, and of course taking pictures! Photography is something I hope to really improve on. I’m obsessed with my red pants, so I thought why not take some snaps! Forgive the risque-ish belly shot; it was part of my experimenting.

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The leaves are already beginning to change where I am! As soon as things become more colorful I’m hoping to do a shoot with Shad again. Last time it was on a regular camera with not so many settings, so I’m hoping this year with my Canon I can get some better shots. Though… taking pictures yourself while being in them is pretty challenging!

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Love & Other Drugs

I recently just got back into studying Japanese after my month and a half of trying to “fix” myself, but even tonight I can’t concentrate. Luckily for once it’s not because of my anxiety, rather because of the lives of some friends.

I’ve always believed that others can live the life that they choose. As I’ve said in other posts, if it doesn’t affect me, do what you please. But I still can’t help but wonder sometimes…why?

I don’t want to give specific examples to ensure the privacy of my friends; but in general; why back-stab? Why destroy yourself? WHY CHEAT?!

I understand why someone might consider cheating. You simply aren’t satisfied in your own relationship for whatever reason, or maybe you’re just curious. But the biggest thing in my opinion to have in a relationship is communication. These are feelings you MUST talk about with your partner!! I know everyone always thinks they’ll spare their partners feelings, but chances are, they’re going to find out what you’ve been slinking around doing.

Also… What happened to bros before hoes? I’ve been in situations back in high school when the people that were closest to me stabbed me in the back. But we’re supposed to be a little more mature now. Why would you tempt yourself with a friends significant other? Why would you do that to them, and even yourself? Especially for a person who neither of you will spend forever with. If someone cheats with you, more than likely they are going to cheat on you.

I feel like an outcast sometimes. At 21 I feel often I should be engaging in the activities of my peers. Why don’t I get drunk every night? Why don’t I experiment with drugs? Why don’t I try to casually hook up?

But when I sit down and truly think of it…why would I want to? I see nothing wrong with cutting loose, but for a lifestyle? There’s just so much more out there than that. I’ve always looked to my peers as an example of how not to act since high school. It seems casual sex only brings complications into your life. I’d rather be considered crazy for staying with one person my whole life.

I suppose this post isn’t so organized…I’m kind of jumping from thought to thought.

Basically, as much as I believe everyone finds their own path, it makes me sad to see my friends go through such hardships because of their own choices. Not to learn from their previous mistakes… These things just don’t make sense to me.

But I still hope for the best for everyone! And even though right now I’m dealing with my own dramas, I am glad that they know I can be a shoulder to cry on.

 

またね。♡

When Everything Falls Apart, Nature Stays the Same.

I still can’t find a way to full convey what I went through the past couple of weeks with my anxiety, so as I’m trying to keep pushing forward, I’ll simply share that kind of news with you instead of trekking back to the past.

My biggest source of “sanity” I suppose you could say has been nature.

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Ever since I was a tiny tot, most of my time was spent outside. I love nature and I adore animals, and I even get the need for adventure. Ever since moving from my small town to a city for college, I’ve learned I don’t get out as much as I should. Nature is a big part of who I am, and I’m wondering if losing my connection with nature is one of the reasons I’ve become so disconnected with myself.

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I can’t say there’s much to do outside in the city. Even the woods don’t feel that safe to tread alone, but even just sitting outside my little house, I feel more at ease. I truly need to take the time to notice these little things again. Growing up nature brought me comfort; I think I need to let it comfort me once again.

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We were getting a lot of rain last week and the area outside my place was covered in these snails! I had never seen blue snails before. This one was so tiny and so cute. I think seeing all of these snails was the first time that I had felt really happy since this all began. I felt wonder and hope for myself. It still scares me to think of hope. But every time I see something new in nature; something beautiful; I can’t help but feel that way.

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Even sitting outside of a friends house brings a sense of peace. My friends can all enjoy a few beers, while I enjoy a friendly furry face with my toes in the grass. Sure, kids my age don’t understand why I don’t partake in the booze filled life as often as most, but this I think is what makes me happy. Moments like this. Look at this dogs smiley face!

Shad has finally caved in and said we can get a puppy! It could be up to a year until we get the type of puppy that I want, but it gives me something to look forward to.

I know it sounds cheesy and cliche, but truly…When you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom and nothing in life makes sense; spend some time outside. Sometimes nature can heal even the deepest of wounds. I know I would be lost with out it. I can’t wait to leave the city one day and surround myself in what I truly believe is important.

I hope you all are well. Take care! :3

July Picture Post

I haven’t posted in a bit. I’ve had quite an extreme past week. I don’t feel 100% ready to write and explain it, but in short my anxiety suddenly hit the roof.

But I wanted to do a little picture post since another month has flown by.

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My boyfriends pal started doing this thing called poi about a year ago I believe he said, and Shad quickly got interested and started getting into a few months ago. Both of them are hoping to spin fire! Shad has even got me practicing. I only started a couple of days ago, but I can do a couple of tricks. (Sloppily of course.) Glow poi are my favorite to watch, but the fire poi is something spectacular. There is one girl that can do a fire hula hoop!

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I also learned about something special this month. McDonald’s after midnight!! I can get a cheeseburger and a hash brown!? In high school I dreamed of the day McDonald’s would serve breakfast earlier, and it has arrived!

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I upgraded my phone to a Galaxy SIII. I adore it as much as one could like technology. Also a bit about anxiety. I took this yesterday; day 7 with hardly any sleep.

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I’m a child at heart and it has played a huge role in how I deal with my anxiety. I’ve made a fort in my living room and am trying to surround myself with things I love. Art/video games/Simba/ and pillows. And of course friends, family, and Shad.

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Shad has been more supportive than I could have ever dreamed and I’m so grateful to have him here. I’ve also been able to bond with my older sister in a way I’ve been missing for awhile. So I guess some good things have come from my anxiety.

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I took my last exam for the summer yesterday so I’m hoping the rest of summer I can learn to relax and cope with some big decisions I have to make.

I hope all of your lives are going well and you too try and find the best in any sour situation you may find yourself in. If I’m learning anything from my situation it’s that in order to keep pushing forward you just have to keep finding something to push forward to. Good luck everyone!

Photography: Paint Inspired

I’m obsessed with art. Generally I lack originality; meaning usually I see something that I like and I think “I can do that.” So I re-create the art and often tweek things and add my own details. I figure why would I buy something I could do myself? Though I’m envious of those who can draw so freely from their own imagination. As decent as I can be at a re-creation, often when I try to draw from what I see in my head it’s all squiggles. Y-Y

In the past year I’ve grown to really like photography. Completely amateur of course. Like most of the world today I do partake in the “selfie” craze; though if I’m going to post pictures of myself, why not make it interesting? Here’s a little bit to show of my boredom yesterday with some description under each.Image

Inspired by Robert Frost’s Fire and Ice. This was my first time playing with a photo editor I found online. I’ve always wished I was born with blue eyes! If I ever get better at photo editing, I have some great ideas still for this theme!

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Those who have never known true love will always feel hate. I’m a huge supporter of equal rights. It isn’t about “gay marriage” or “gay rights” to me; it’s about equality.

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I just thought this one looked kind of cool. It was from the rainbow tears theme, but I really like it in black and white. The eyes just seem really bold like they are trying to say something, but since they are mine, I still view them as sad. Then the paint kind of looks like dark tears, so it just all around interested me.

Hope you at least found these amusing! :3

People Move On

I decided tonight I will be heading back home to Shadly and Yoru, cutting my hometown “vacation” a day short. It’s been great seeing my pops, but to be honest, the trip has left me a little saddened.

Generally, I’m not the type that can get a hold of people to make plans, but when I visit my hometown I can’t help but miss my friends from high school, so I give it my all to try and make plans. Sadly, this trip everyone has been preoccupied with their significant others.

Of course I am overjoyed my friends have found love and happiness, but I can’t help but feel hurt by the constant cold shoulders. Generally Shad comes home with me and I hang around his goofy friends to occupy my time. But this visit he had to stay behind for work, leaving me to entertain myself; which I have failed miserably.

Shad and I started dating my Junior year of high school. Starting a real relationship, learning more about myself, figuring out what I wanted in life, I admit; I ditched out on a lot of things with my friends as well. I learned there was more to just getting drunk on the weekends, and I wanted my life to go in a different direction. Why spend the weekends watching my pals hook up with people they hardly know? At the end of the night I would be alone anyway, so why not just be with Shad?

Well, now I’m beginning to realize how my friends must have felt back then. Even though I can’t judge them because I did the same thing, I still can’t help but hold a little grudge. What’s an hour or two of a friends time when they have the rest of their lives to spend with their significant other?

But hurt feelings aside, I’m so glad to see my friends building their own lives. Some are married, some are engaged, and some are even experiencing their first serious relationship. I can’t get too bent up in my own hurt feelings, when I couldn’t ask for anything else for them.

It’s crazy to think some may even start having babies in the next couple of years! Where has the time gone!?

This weekend, though it’s hard to admit, I have realized we simply move on. It pains me, but also makes me happy to say that I will always have these people in my heart. Through the hard times and good moments, these people make up most of my childhood memories, and I’ll never forget them.

But even I am looking forward to the day when I possibly leave my home state behind and start a new adventure in my own life.

I’m wishing the best for everyone.

A Walk Down Memory Lane

I’m visiting my home town for a few days to finish up some financial aid requirements and escape my daily life in my college city. Every time I visit home I can’t help but get nostalgia.

I never once thought I’d miss high school, but as I wandered the dark streets, passing some of the places that hold the most memories, I can’t help but look back and wish I would have made the most of it.

It’s only been three years since graduation, yet so much has changed. It’s discouraging… As I wrote before, my class was friendly, but were we all really friends? I’m not sure. All I know is life moves on.

When I visit home I always expect things to just pick up where they left off. Any friend in town will want to get together and catch up and re-live old times. But that’s not the case with my class. Most of us have significant others we’d rather entertain. Some only wish to be with their 3 or 4 close knit friends. It’s hard to accept that the people you grew up with, that you saw almost every day seem to have just forgotten you in away that you can’t forget them.

But you can’t hold a grudge on them. They are doing what you’re supposed to do in life. Move forward.

However, I can’t really escape the truth of missing everyone. The girls who thought they were too cool. My closest girl friends. The boys I could turn to for anything. And even the people who disliked me for not even knowing me. I miss them all and the simplicity of those times.

I miss passing notes in class. I miss having silly crushes on upperclassmen. I miss the inside jokes. I miss the confusion. I miss sticking it to my parents on the weekends. Thinking I had it all figured out. Believing there was so much more.

But at the same time, I want to apply these feelings to my future. I want to try my best. I’ve given up hope of finding those life long friendships. I can’t expect that from people when I can’t find it in myself to believe that things like that exist.

But still, even if no one is there for me…I want to be there for others.

I want to be stronger and believe in a better tomorrow.