Beaches and Babies

So far this Summer season in my state has been very rainy. Which is good since last year was very dry. But at the same time I miss the sunshine! It seems all the good days I’m working.

But yesterday it was finally a clear sky! Shad has been working so much lately, but he didn’t have to leave until the evening, so we spent an afternoon at the beach!

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There is a tiny little beach near where I live. We like to go there instead of traveling the 45 minutes to the larger beach where most college students go. This beach near our home is often full of families. Most don’t like a child invested beach, but I love listening to the kids play and have fun. I think it’s refreshing.

When we first arrived there was only a mother and her son there. Shad and I gave them plenty of space and just soaked up the sun. Awhile later though I suddenly heard foot steps very close to me and opened my eyes to see the little boy hovering over me.

“Look what I found! I lost this last time I was here and I never thought I’d see it again!” He exclaimed happily showing me a marble. Normally I’m hesitant to talk to stranger’s children. You never know what kind of parent you are going to run into. But this little boy chatted with Shad and I for a good 15 minutes. He had just turned five and he was baffled we hadn’t been to his party. He bragged about all his skills. He could juggle, shoot his arrow ALL the way across the lake, and he could even never drown because he can float.

To encourage him I told him that I was never able to learn to juggle and that he was very impressive with his skills. To which he told me “Well you know all you have to do is practice! Practice a lot and you can do it!”

And this child’s attitude has stuck with me since then.

To feel like you can do anything you set your heart to…It must be such an amazing feeling.

I’m not sure when I lost those feelings in myself…

I hope I have a little while before I am a parent, but I hope my child never loses that sight of life. I want to do my best to make dreams come true for my own child. My biggest wish in life is that my child will never feel the way I did, or how many children feel growing up.

Happiness and confidence. Children radiate those things. Why we all choose to grow up and lose the fun in our eyes, I’m not sure. “Adults” could learn far more things from their children then they could ever begin to teach.

That is what I think.

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Random Memories

I posted some of this on my facebook, but I decided to put it here, because who on facebook cares about what others have to say?

My grandfather died my freshman year of college. Only two days before I was supposed to come home for the Summer and see him. With out going into too much detail I will just say that my grandpa had made mistakes in his life. Ones that he had to pay for until the end. I never thought this was fair. I’m awful when I know someone is going to die. I don’t want to be around them because I don’t want to cry in front of them. But I wanted to let my grandpa know I loved him. I wanted to ask his permission also if I could have and fix up his old car. I never got that chance…The car was still given to me, but honestly I feel bad getting something just because someone passed away. That’s not how I wanted it. I wanted to ASK. I wanted HIS permission. I can’t stand the way family hovers over a dying family member planning what will be theirs. It makes me sick. But with father’s day coming up, I was thinking of my dad, and also my grandpa.

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I hated this day, but I love this picture so much because my gramps was really happy. When I was a little kid I never wanted anyone to be alone. Which is why when my parents divorced and I didn’t understand what was happening I chose to stay with my dad because I didn’t want him to be alone like grandpa. I learned from my grandpa that every one makes mistakes. Parents make the biggest ones. And they have to live their whole life with regret, but still try and believe that they were right. Despite what others do to me, I try my best to pretend that I forget, so I won’t burden them the way they have burdened me. “There comes a time when children must protect their parents, despite their deepest feelings.” I believe that. With out him knowing I’ve learned the biggest lessons from my grandpa despite being so young. I’ll always regret never telling him that. And I hope whatever new life you have, you’ll have love, and you’ll wear this smile every day.

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Updates & Sushi Dates♡

Last time I wrote I was really just venting because I was freaked out so I figured I should update. I was completely shaken up after that whole anxiety attack incident it took me a couple days to unwind, but I think all is well!

I knew from the start I didn’t want to go into ‘shelter mode’, which is what I tend to do when I get really sick/stressed/whatever. I shut off from everyone until I feel better, but when it comes to anxiety I know the last thing you should do is feed it. The next night after the incident my boyfriends pal was in town celebrating her 23rd birthday. I was scared to go out with Shad and all of his friends in case I panicked again, but I knew I didn’t want to believe every time I left the house I’d have an episode, so I went out and made it through. I did take another day off of work on Monday, but I think it was just what I needed because I feel fine basically now.

I still get a little nervous in the greenhouse because that’s where it happened. I’m not sure why it did. But hopefully it’s nothing common!

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Today Shad and I went out on a nice sushi date!

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I got the crab roll and crunchy roll. So so good! Shad ordered a couple of things with scallops in them.

Shad has decided he would like to study Japanese with me too! I’m not sure if he really will focus that much outside of a class room, it’s even hard for me! But he said he would even like to take the courses at university with me next year. Since he is going to school for engineering, he said it would be good to learn Japanese since he wants to do business in Japan as well. It will be nice to have him learn the language with me since we will be able to practice with one another. (Hopefully he was serious…) But if not I will still do my best!

Farewell for now. Thank you for reading.^^

Anxiety

I don’t like talking about really personal things in my life, but also sometimes it helps me move past things if I finally open up about it so I thought I’d give it a shot.

I’ve always had a lot of anxiety and always over stress about everything, but yesterday at work I believe I had a panic attack. I’ve been extra worried with summer classes and financial things, but I’ve never had a panic attack before.

It was a really calm day at work and I got to work in the greenhouse, but out of nowhere I just felt like I wasn’t getting enough air. My hands were shaking and I felt light headed and my chest felt like it was under a lot of pressure. Am I dying? Is what I actually thought.

I knew I was just stressing out so I wandered around a bit to take deep breathes and tried to go back to work. But it was only getting worse. I thought maybe I needed to get out of the green house so I traded tasks with a co-worker. As soon as I started my next task I felt like crying and passing out. I finished the task and asked to go home.

Once home I felt a little more relaxed, but ever since then I can’t help but get a little shaky and pressure in my chest when I think about it. Even typing it now…

I know I need to just calm down and relax, but I can’t help but worry that this won’t go away. I’m already an anxious person and I don’t want something like this to start getting me down and worried to do every day things like go to work. Hopefully as the stress winds down so will this mood.

Still a really freaky thing. I hoped by sharing it I will get past it a little faster.

GENKI!!

こんばんわ、

So this is going to be a really lame, probably embarrass myself type post.. I ordered the Genki 1 textbook and workbook since the university I’m transferring back to uses them to teach Japanese. I figured since I’m trying to self teach now I might as well get the same books the school uses and get a little head start. And since yesterday I did lesson one I felt like typing an introduction since I can now introduce myself! (Maybe..) Now please… Don’t make fun of me! I’m sure this is the most basic right out of the text sounding thing there ever was, but I’m just learning. ^^

When I do type things like this though, I would really love constructive feed back and tips. Like grammar tips and stuff. I’m not great at ‘spelling’ with Japanese so I’m sure I will make lots of errors. I also haven’t learned any kanji yet, so I’ll only be doing hirigana/katakana. But here’s my shot of basic ‘about me’ that I learned in lesson 1.

はじめまして!ホリーです。 がくせいです。 いま さんえんせいです。 せんこうはかがくです。 にじゅういちさいです。 よろしく おねがいします。

Oh goodness…I just put that into google translate (which I know isn’t actually a good translate source) but it all makes no sense! So I hope it actually doesn’t translate that bad! But I know I have to be comfortable making mistakes in the open so I can learn.

I hope everyone who is fluent in Japanese won’t be too hard on me for being so “slow” on the language. I don’t want to come off arrogant or anything of that nature. I just really want to be able to practice the things I learn in each section until I can put everything together and actually become better. So I hope everyone will be patient with me and eventually my effort and everyone’s annoyance will pay off!

 

Free Write/Boyfriend

Hey everyone,

I just got done doing some stats homework and felt like writing. Physics is getting really hard…I’m starting to struggle and feel pretty down about it, but stats is actually kind of fun for a ‘math’ class.

Guess what!? I can say I am a college student in Japanese! (Pathetic…I know.) But that’s one step closer to my goals, right? ^^

I saw a quote on tumblr yesterday: “If you’re dating a writer and they don’t write about you-whether it’s good or bad-then they don’t love you. They just don’t. Writers fall in love with the people we find inspiring.”

It’s true don’t you think? I never really thought of it before. I have tons of poems I’ve written about Shad since I’ve met him. Mostly depressing ones… And when I write/read them, I always feel maybe Shad deserves better than me. But the quote reminded me that that those poems are the main reason I’m with him. Because he inspires me.

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I don’t think I’d have the courage to try and believe in myself if I hadn’t met Shad. Even before we became good friends, his words of encouragement/sarcasm began to shed a whole new light on the situation I was in back in high school. He made me want to start sticking up for myself. I still didn’t stick up for myself until my senior year, but I believe when I finally did, it’s the reason things are okay in that area now. (Sorry that’s all so vague.)

Even now; I still want to do my best. Of course he makes me mad sometimes, but he’s always by my side encouraging me when I really need it.

Sappy!

I just felt like writing it down. ^^

 

Confession.

So… One of my biggest pet peeves is when people constantly complain about their problems. To a point of course. I understand the need to vent, but it gets to the point where I’m just like, do something about it!

But recently I have began to wonder…Do I ever take my own advice? I’ve been wondering recently if maybe I have anxiety. Since I was very small I’ve always gotten myself over worked up about situations. I stress pretty easy because I obsess for everything to be perfect. To a point where I kind of let myself go, because I’m scared I won’t be perfect.

Since I’ve come to college though I’ve been a little disappointed in myself. I suppose I’ve in a way separated myself from everyone because I’m worried they won’t accept me as I am. I don’t accept myself, so why would others? Even though I know we are our own biggest critics. I’ve always been shy. But it’s gotten to a point I don’t like.

Which is part of the reason I’ve decided to start a blog. To open up. Even though everyone who reads this will be strangers, it’s my first step to being more comfortable with myself and what I believe. And I hope everyone who feels the same way as me can relate and cope too!

I can’t say I have panic attacks or anything extreme, but goodness…I get so tense and get a tightness in my chest anytime I start to worry about something. I want to be able to accept myself again. I want to grow and become someone that I’m proud of, and that maybe other people can be proud of too. I don’t want to live in fear of what types of judgement will come from family. I don’t want to worry my friends will hate me because we don’t share ALL of the same interests.

And I also want Shad to have a girl by his side who is confident with who she is.

So…I hope to anyone reading this that might feel the same way as me, I hope you challenge yourself too!

がんばろう!♡ (I hope that’s right) ^^