People Move On

I decided tonight I will be heading back home to Shadly and Yoru, cutting my hometown “vacation” a day short. It’s been great seeing my pops, but to be honest, the trip has left me a little saddened.

Generally, I’m not the type that can get a hold of people to make plans, but when I visit my hometown I can’t help but miss my friends from high school, so I give it my all to try and make plans. Sadly, this trip everyone has been preoccupied with their significant others.

Of course I am overjoyed my friends have found love and happiness, but I can’t help but feel hurt by the constant cold shoulders. Generally Shad comes home with me and I hang around his goofy friends to occupy my time. But this visit he had to stay behind for work, leaving me to entertain myself; which I have failed miserably.

Shad and I started dating my Junior year of high school. Starting a real relationship, learning more about myself, figuring out what I wanted in life, I admit; I ditched out on a lot of things with my friends as well. I learned there was more to just getting drunk on the weekends, and I wanted my life to go in a different direction. Why spend the weekends watching my pals hook up with people they hardly know? At the end of the night I would be alone anyway, so why not just be with Shad?

Well, now I’m beginning to realize how my friends must have felt back then. Even though I can’t judge them because I did the same thing, I still can’t help but hold a little grudge. What’s an hour or two of a friends time when they have the rest of their lives to spend with their significant other?

But hurt feelings aside, I’m so glad to see my friends building their own lives. Some are married, some are engaged, and some are even experiencing their first serious relationship. I can’t get too bent up in my own hurt feelings, when I couldn’t ask for anything else for them.

It’s crazy to think some may even start having babies in the next couple of years! Where has the time gone!?

This weekend, though it’s hard to admit, I have realized we simply move on. It pains me, but also makes me happy to say that I will always have these people in my heart. Through the hard times and good moments, these people make up most of my childhood memories, and I’ll never forget them.

But even I am looking forward to the day when I possibly leave my home state behind and start a new adventure in my own life.

I’m wishing the best for everyone.

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A Walk Down Memory Lane

I’m visiting my home town for a few days to finish up some financial aid requirements and escape my daily life in my college city. Every time I visit home I can’t help but get nostalgia.

I never once thought I’d miss high school, but as I wandered the dark streets, passing some of the places that hold the most memories, I can’t help but look back and wish I would have made the most of it.

It’s only been three years since graduation, yet so much has changed. It’s discouraging… As I wrote before, my class was friendly, but were we all really friends? I’m not sure. All I know is life moves on.

When I visit home I always expect things to just pick up where they left off. Any friend in town will want to get together and catch up and re-live old times. But that’s not the case with my class. Most of us have significant others we’d rather entertain. Some only wish to be with their 3 or 4 close knit friends. It’s hard to accept that the people you grew up with, that you saw almost every day seem to have just forgotten you in away that you can’t forget them.

But you can’t hold a grudge on them. They are doing what you’re supposed to do in life. Move forward.

However, I can’t really escape the truth of missing everyone. The girls who thought they were too cool. My closest girl friends. The boys I could turn to for anything. And even the people who disliked me for not even knowing me. I miss them all and the simplicity of those times.

I miss passing notes in class. I miss having silly crushes on upperclassmen. I miss the inside jokes. I miss the confusion. I miss sticking it to my parents on the weekends. Thinking I had it all figured out. Believing there was so much more.

But at the same time, I want to apply these feelings to my future. I want to try my best. I’ve given up hope of finding those life long friendships. I can’t expect that from people when I can’t find it in myself to believe that things like that exist.

But still, even if no one is there for me…I want to be there for others.

I want to be stronger and believe in a better tomorrow.

Rant & Rave: Imagination

Every once and awhile I feel like I just need to get some things off of my chest, and since I’m doing this blog, I thought, why not to you!?

Now to begin with I’ll start off saying, I don’t have children. The youngest I consider to have helped raise is 2. I don’t know what it’s like being a full time parent, so in no way am I trying to personally offend anyone, but why do so many parents seem to bash on their child’s imagination!?

When I was a tot I was constantly pretending. After my mom and sisters moved away I spent a lot of time with cousins. I remember one particular aunt HATED when my cousin and I would pretend to be dogs. She never directly yelled at me, but constantly to her daughter. She would say things along the line of “that isn’t lady like”, “that’s not cute”. My cousin was probably four at this time.

The latest thing I’ve seen pop up on Facebook is a split post. One side shows a black and white photo of two tots playing cowboys and Indians. The other side shows a “HD” photo of a parent lecturing their child on how that game is “racist”.

I won’t get into how I feel about the “race” card. But seriously? I understand every “game” has a limit, but just because your kid is playing pretend does not mean they are being offensive.

All I ever heard growing up was; “One day reality is going to smack you in the face.” “I don’t know what kind of world you live in…but good luck out there.” And similar phrases.

Even now, at 21 years old, I am different than most of my family. I’m sarcastic and I still play pretend. And yes, reality sucks sometimes, but having a creative mind allows me to make the best out of a lot of situations.

Yes, I think it is very important to establish the differences between “reality” and playing pretend. But why do parents today seem to have such a hard time embracing and encouraging their child’s creativity?

I have a lot of doubts in myself when it comes to being a parent one day. But I won’t ever let my child feel outcasted by me. I would never bring them down for doing what they love.

And I don’t care how old you are; how bitter the world has been to you.

Always remember that child inside of you.

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Good-bye June Picture Blog

June was a rough month for me for some reason..I’m blaming the “super-moon”. Perhaps there’s some wolf in me or something…who knows! But June is nearing it’s end and I’m looking forward to a more positive July. I can’t believe how fast Summer is flying by… My Statistics class is over, which I actually ended with a 4.0! I hate math, but I loved stats. Now for July I have to make it through Physics… Wish me luck!

I have to give a big thanks to Shad this month. He’s been really supportive with me even though I’m sure at times this month I’ve been hard to handle. I’ve been making a point to get out and get him out. The past few days we’ve enjoyed a little fresh air and bar time.

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Shad has been practicing this sport called poi with his friend a lot lately. It’s kind of like playing with nun-chucks, and really fun to watch. There’s a group of kids downtown that like to do fire poi. I saw them for the first time earlier in the month. It was incredible!

Sadly…I lost my first pet at the beginning of this month. His name was Rascal…He was a gift from my grandma when I was five, maybe six.

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I’m a sucker for animals, so it’s not embarrassing for me to stay that Rascal was my first best friend. He always knew when I was sad and would cuddle close to me and give a loud, rumbling, comforting purr. I wish I could have been home for him his last couple of days. But he went peacefully in his sleep. All natural. He wasn’t suffering and he lived a long life, and that’s all I can really focus on.

Shad and I got a kitten last year around my birthday. Her name is Yoru.

 

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We adopted her from a rescue organization that I hope to volunteer with soon. She will be a year old at the end of August. She seems like maybe she knew about Rascal passing. After he passed, she now cuddles me all the time and tries to purr loudly. She never used to do that. But of course, maybe it was only me trying to cheer up from Rascal’s death.

I know a lot of people think it’s strange to mourn an animal…But I adore animals, especially those of my own. They are pure family to me.

 

My goals for July are to be a better me. I always go through phases of being healthy, and I’m hoping back on that track. I have a work out plan all written up and ready to go! I also plan to eat a little more healthy. Exercise always seems to brighten up my mood and out look on life, so I want to try and make more of an effort to make it apart of my weekly schedule.

I hope to do well in my Physics class. I’m having major doubts about the final… Since this class is online I feel like I haven’t learned a thing. I want to do my best on the rest of my assignments in case the final doesn’t go too well. I prefer 3.5’s or better for grades, but for this, I’m just hoping to pass!

P.S. Everyone who follows and reads my blogs, I just want to give a big hello and thank you! Though we may never speak and things I say might not always be interesting, it’s encouraging to have others out there that support and maybe feel some of the same ways I do.

I hope everyone is enjoying their summer!

Until next time, (●⌒∇⌒●)

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Introvert Problems : Friendship

I made a post before about my true friend where I skim my basics of friendships.

Generally I feel friendships are a waste of time. Yet, there are many days I wish I knew how to form them. My boyfriend graduated in the class of ’08. These kids were for some reason my idols. They were wild, free, crazy…but mostly they were all so close. I wanted that for my class. Now as much as I longed to be apart of the closeness of ’08, I was merely an underclassmen. My class however wasn’t so close. We weren’t “cliquey’ like most classes, and for the most part we could all hang out and get along, but we were very well divided on who was bffs with who.

As I think I mentioned, my group didn’t turn out to be the best of people to me. (However much I love all but one of them to death.) I think we grouped together for our longing of something more…we wanted adventure and excitement in our dull high school lives. Our not so supportive parents, our not so accepting friends…We wanted an escape from that. So, we grazed the border of the life of the ’08’s and lived the best we could through them.

I still notice the ’08’s, and of all things for me to be jealous of, it’s funny I pick their friendships. Through thick and thin they seem to just mesh right back to one another. Through all the drama and terrible things they say behind one anothers back, they always reunite.

I wonder a lot…Why did I never make friendships like that? But I guess I would only have myself to blame, right? You can’t exactly make a life long friend when you refuse to let anyone through your shell. I pretend to fit the atmosphere I’m placed into. The kids I grew up with I suppose never really knew me. Other than a select few.

How can I envy something that I’ve never really wanted? Though how can I say I never really wanted that, when some days it’s my biggest wish?

In a psychology class I am dubbed as what they call an introvert. Among many other labels that I can’t help but think about. They plague me really, but as they say “if the shoe fits”.

I don’t think the human mind is very fair. Conflicting thoughts like that…

But I’m just rambling because I’m spending another night alone because I don’t know how to act like a typical college student.

It’s thirsty Thursday and I’m not all too thirsty. Though sometimes I wish I was.

Slow Day at the Office

It’s summer time for many of us college students, so that means my job just got a whole lot easier. I work in a Biology lab at a college, but since the summer bio classes just ended, we’re basically free birds now. We’re going to spend the next two months cleaning and re-doing lab manuals, but to be honest, we’ve started all of that and are almost finished.

Though the day goes extremely slow I can’t really complained that they pay me to hang out, work on my own summer classes, and even try and study Japanese. Or right now… just posting a little update at work.

I had another panic/anxiety attack at work last week. It didn’t last as long as the first. Then a couple days later I was on the verge of one at home, but I think I calmed myself down. After spending a few days upset and worried this is my life, I decided, no, this isn’t going to beat me. Why these have started occurring I’m not sure, but I know I’m not going to continue to let it happen.

I’ve always stressed about everything. I strive for perfection, even though nothing is every really good enough. I think those feelings have just caught up with me. I’ve decided I need to learn to be more calm and accepting of who I am and understand that not everything will be flawless. And I should honestly admire the flaws in my life.

I’d like to practice mediation. For now I simply focus on breathing. In. Out. In. Out. I feel like I’ve already become more relaxed these past couple of days. I would also like to start paying more attention to the way I eat. I was home alone a lot growing up and basically always ate junk food. Since I’m fortunate to have a high metabolism, I’ve also never had to watch my weight. But I think nutrition plays a huge role in how you feel. So I’d like to try to steer more towards foods that I don’t really enjoy, but my body will be happy for.

Also some ways I’ve been using to de-stress are getting back into old hobbies. I love art! But I always feel like I don’t have time to do it. Honestly, I copy most things I draw so I can’t say I’m creative, but I do feel if I can re-create what others do, good for me. I always add my own details to make the picture more of what I would want anyway. I did this other day:

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I copied the body forms. I’m not sure who the original artist of the forms is, other wise I would post it. I simply just made the picture black and white with my own shading preferences and added the angel/devil theme with her tears. Drawing and painting really calm me. I never realize the hours are passing when I’m wrapped up in art.

Shad and I also went to the lake on Sunday. I also love nature and spending the day in the sun listening to the waves crash onto the shore reminded me that I need to make more time for nature as well.

I feel like my soul needs these simply things. I get too caught up in living this life that I feel I’m forced into. I can’t stand college and I can’t stand living in a city, even though mine is small. But I want to focus on more positive things than negative. I want to make time for what I truly enjoy. Stop stressing so much about money and grades. Sure they have their importance.

But there is so much more to life then the things we were simply forced into caring about.

ベストフレンド .。o♡

I think someone you can call a “true” friend is something very rare to come by. We all have our friends and our best friends, but how many “true” friends can you say you have?

Ever since I was a toddler I never saw the point in friends. I only wanted to hang out with my older sister. Obviously as I grew up I made friends of my own, but (sorry for sounding dramatic) I believe friendships cause pain. To spare the boring details, simply the friends I had known my whole life all stabbed me so deep in the chest when I met Shad that sometimes I still don’t know how I consider them friends. (I do still remain close with two of them though.)

Getting to the point of this post: I met a girl named Caroline in middle school. I considered her a “bad girl” so to say, so never really felt interested in talking to her, but high school rolled around and though I forget how, we started to become closer. She even joined the soccer team after my endless begging. She moved across the country from me the summer after our Sophomore year. Today she sent me this:

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We always say to that to one another. And those letters in the heart; my initials.

Now, when it comes to couples getting names tattooed on each other, I frown upon it, but for some reason having a friend who would permanently ink me on her body made me want to cry.

I haven’t seen Carly for two years, and we are poor at communicating via electronics, so I often feel like I’ll be forgotten. But this just made me feel like there’s no way we could ever forget one another.

Carly is my one special friend that I could never find another of if I searched the entire galaxy. She truly is another part of me. The wild outgoing part of course! I’ve never been able to truly be myself around anyone. Say how I truly feel, act how I truly am. But with Carly it’s always been different.

I can’t even begin to describe some of the crazy moments we’ve gotten ourselves into or the inside jokes we’ve created.

Caroline has never hurt me in the slightest way. (Besides not moving back to where I am! But I can’t blame her for that.) I miss her every day, but I can’t help but feel how lucky I am to have found someone like her. My out look on the world I have to admit is bleak, and my view on humans as a whole is even worse, but those rare people you find…They make the light in the world shine so much brighter. I’d be lost if I didn’t have a friend like Carly.