I’ve always thought nothing good comes out of October. The weather is too good. The sky is too beautiful. And when nature grants you beauty, I kind of feel like things are boiling beneath the surface.
I’ve been struggling immensely with my mental health the past year, and it has reached what is hopefully the climax that I can slowly start easing down. But then days like today happen…
A human decides to inflict suffering on others.
America’s worst mass shooting they’re calling it. It seems too often these days a shooting is stealing that title. I typically avoid any type of news because it makes my depression so much worse; but this time I found my own family involved.
Instead of wishing my mom a happy birthday I had to first ask if she was okay. Was everyone else okay? And instead of listening to her talk about birthday plans, I listened to her mimic the sounds of bullets being shot and the scene of people’s bodies hitting the ground. Real blood, not T.V blood.
I thought of how I spent the day. Not once talking about any of this. I don’t think I heard anyone talk about this in my daily life. Because I work for a corporate owned business I heard “don’t talk about it”. And I’m getting really tired of not talking about things.
In my personal life I’m facing the difficulty again of, do I speak my mind or keep things locked up inside? Surely my emotions don’t matter to the ones around me. And I should really stop relying on others and believing that they can understand and support me.
But then there are these things. These wordly things. That all of us hate so much and yet we can’t do a single thing about it.
I’m tired of feeling helpless in both of these ways.
I am however grateful that the ones I know are okay. But my heart reaches out to those who are suffering right now. Words are not enough.