A birthday bullet.

I’ve always thought nothing good comes out of October. The weather is too good. The sky is too beautiful. And when nature grants you beauty, I kind of feel like things are boiling beneath the surface.

I’ve been struggling immensely with my mental health the past year, and it has reached what is hopefully the climax that I can slowly start easing down. But then days like today happen…

A human decides to inflict suffering on others.

America’s worst mass shooting they’re calling it. It seems too often these days a shooting is stealing that title. I typically avoid any type of news because it makes my depression so much worse; but this time I found my own family involved.

Instead of wishing my mom a happy birthday I had to first ask if she was okay. Was everyone else okay? And instead of listening to her talk about birthday plans, I listened to her mimic the sounds of bullets being shot and the scene of people’s bodies hitting the ground. Real blood, not T.V blood.

I thought of how I spent the day. Not once talking about any of this. I don’t think I heard anyone talk about this in my daily life. Because I work for a corporate owned business I heard “don’t talk about it”. And I’m getting really tired of not talking about things.

In my personal life I’m facing the difficulty again of, do I speak my mind or keep things locked up inside? Surely my emotions don’t matter to the ones around me. And I should really stop relying on others and believing that they can understand and support me.

But then there are these things. These wordly things. That all of us hate so much and yet we can’t do a single thing about it.

I’m tired of feeling helpless in both of these ways.

I am however grateful that the ones I know are okay. But my heart reaches out to those who are suffering right now. Words are not enough.

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“Job Title: Happy”

My friends in Japan often tease me a bit because I enjoy watching a Japanese TV program titled, Terrace House. I’m still not so great at defending my likes when people tease me for them yet, so usually I just say I watch the show so I have more opportunity to listen to Japanese. But truthfully, I find it pretty inspiring.

One of my favourite things about Japanese culture is the “do your best” attitude. Of course everything in moderation, but in a general sense, it was so easy for me to become inspired during my time in Japan because everyone around me was constantly doing their best. Sometimes here in the states I become effected by everyone else… we tend to only do the minimum to succeed, or feel things don’t matter so much. So I find myself becoming depressed more often and every day is hard to find reason to keep motivated.

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Since graduating it seems people feel more of a need to comment on what I do with my life. How much money I should make, where I should live, etc. I’ve lost recently the sense that I know what’s best for me. I keep thinking I’ve found the path I want most, but then something makes me doubtful. I want to believe in myself more like I had a couple years ago.

As I watch Terrace House, I started to relate to a member, Arman. He and I have a similar outlook on life, but I felt that it must simply be because we are American. I thought maybe this was a fault in us; our carefree, go with the flow type of attitude.

However, in an episode I just finished, he was greatly complimented by someone older. That he should never change, and that his career aspirations shouldn’t change him or define him. It should remain his attitude that is his sole life purpose.

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Being the same age as Arman, I guess it also meant something. I’m not sure why we do it, but we put such a strict timeline on ourselves. I should have a house by this age, married by this age, children by this age, a proper career by now, etc. But I’ve never felt it mattered so much… Accomplishments can be made at any age, and just by reaching a certain age, accomplishments shouldn’t stop. When I was younger, I had felt at 25 I would have done all of the things listed above, but now that I am 25, all of those things are the least important to me.

It’s hard to find people that truly understand that feeling, or at least accept it. I’m noticing patterns in myself as far as my negative behaviour can be, and how much of an impact that can have on my depression and anxiety. I know that with my brain being this way, things can be more difficult, but I am trying to become even stronger than the person that I was when I was also doing my best.

I’m not sure the best way to pursue the things I’m aiming for, or how to deal with the doubtful feelings surrounding them, but I’m hoping that I can work on it and become more of the person I long to be. I hope that somehow I can return to the Holly that didn’t care about the negative opinions of others.

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Frankly, it’s none of your business.

As far as my open medias go, there has been a part of my current life that I try not to be too public about. As I wrote about once before, sometimes I have had moments where I feel extremely overwhelmed being a person that shares all parts of me on the internet. However, certain events have made me feel like writing about this, at least for those that know me to see. Which this is a first… I never write with the intention of the people I see in real life. So, how do I keep enough personal while also getting my point across… this is new to me.

I am currently experiencing a new relationship. An actual one, like, we say boyfriend and girlfriend and shit. He asked me himself to be all official; do guys still do that? It’s really gross, but also equally, if not more, enjoyable.

Though I constantly want to brag about him, post my little stalker photos, or super awesome supportive words he sends to me via snapchat, I decided that at least for the time being, I want to enjoy these little things just for myself. I feel lucky for what I’m experiencing right now, and frankly, it’s no one else’s business.

However, not everyone can see it this way. And one thing I’m honestly sick and tired of, not only in terms of relationships, but in general, is how girls are always pitted against one another. I have no hard feelings.

Something that everyone hopefully matures enough to understand is that each and every one of us has a past. All of us have hurt others somehow. Made silly or big mistakes. Said things we shouldn’t. Slept with people we maybe think we could have skipped over. Etc. But for some reason, some people can’t accept this, and want to force this into a relationship that isn’t theres.

I’m not sure how to word this as a general statement, so I’ll just state it purely from my experience in direction to those that continue to confront me. The one’s who find themselves most concerned in this area of my life, don’t know me on the level to warrant a care. Constantly trying to stir drama between myself and other girls of the past, or girls that are friends, etc, it’s more showing of who you are as a person than anything else.

In relationships everyone has insecurities. It’s not an easy thing to trust an individual with your feelings, and when others try to burst in with their own doubts and mischief…How do I turn this around as a learning experience…

I guess my own personal experience aside, the bottom line is, people will try to lessen what you have. I have experienced a lot of that the past year, and I listened to it. People who claimed to have supported me when I went abroad suddenly made me feel bad for having gone by acting as if I was privileged. Graduating university was met with ignorance and then words of I’m not doing enough now. And now my personal relationships for some reason are under evaluation as well.

I think it’s important to notice your own success and the things that you are aiming for. I couldn’t see that for some reason before when I returned from Japan. I worked very hard to go to Japan, and I did it on my own. I made my own way through university. And I’m making my own way now. Though support from others is always warming, it’s not needed to kick ass and be the person you want to be.

So focus on yourselves. I say in both a positive and aggressive way. Focus on accomplishing your own goals and your own happiness, and shut the fuck up when it comes to the lives of other people.

Trust your gut.

So I’ve moved across the country and it turns out it was harder than moving to the other side of the world. I say it’s because I know my heart doesn’t belong in Nevada. It’s been a hard week. The temperature is beyond me so I can’t step outside without feeling like a vampire turning to dust. My memory card smashed so I can’t focus on photography or filming. Job hunting is a pain, especially with a half committed heart. And a long distance relationship is just as disgusting as they say. (He’s worth it.)

But I’m leveling out.

The first week, every day I almost booked a flight back to Michigan. Even in moments the past couple of days I want to run back into the security of what is familiar. I can’t understand the struggle I’m going through because it was so easy to go to Japan. When I got off the plane at Las Vegas I wanted to turn right back around. The lights and people and gambling and beer… culture shock in my own country. I spent the past week telling myself that I couldn’t do this. Applying to jobs that I know I’m over qualified for in order to play it safe, and then becoming crushed because I know inside they won’t benefit me.

But, through all the crying and doubt I’m starting to want to realise my potential. To apply to jobs that will test me and push me. All while saving up for the jobs abroad that I truly wish to take. Even though being alone in Japan also frightens me, I’m remembering that a huge chunk of my heart is still there, and the feeling that I haven’t spent the accurate amount of time there has returned.

No matter how unraveled my world seems to be right now, there is something in the pit of my stomach telling me that I am in the place I need to be right now. So as much as I wish I was somewhere else, it’s the reason I stay. And I hope I can keep pushing harder and come out stronger.

There are people rooting for me. Some wish to see me stay held back in Michigan, but others see what I often forget. That we are capable of anything. I hope I can focus on that and start creating more positive thoughts to go to the places I want to go and see the people that I want to see.