Little Chicago & Virtual Reality

I’ve been asked a lot the past month, “So what are you doing in Las Vegas?”

I give a half honest shrug off of an answer like, “Oh ya know, saving money, spending some time with family I haven’t seen in a bit.” That’s the answer people want, isn’t it? Something noncommittal they don’t really have to think about. Though if I had to give an honest answer; just work on finding myself more. Dive into my natural abilities and learn what I could do with them.

19250983_10154737985478404_968681754_n

Some new faces invited me along to Chicago with them this past weekend to attend the Pride parade. Though that was supposed to be the highlight of the trip, I found the most pleasure in sitting on a rooftop, taking photos, laughing, and imagining that our lives could some how be this simple.

I enjoyed looking at the city in a light that I hadn’t before. Typically when I think of going to Chicago, I’m a little annoyed. A dirty city and a high population of people with snappy mouths. But my perspective has changed somehow this year. In that, I want to find beauty in all of things and keep my expectations and judgements to a minimal.

19551095_10154737986433404_179206582_n.jpg

Vegas isn’t a place that I had ever thought I’d spend time in aside from a short visit to party or spend time with family. So, when I was first offered the opportunity to stay for awhile, I was pretty disgusted by the idea. But now, I’m looking forward to finding the small things that make Vegas, Vegas. Not the parties, or strippers, or drunken street walkers; though they are a part of it; I want to see the things that no one pays attention to. I actually find myself longing for that bit of exploration.

I’ve developed into a mind set of extreme curiosity. Be it tragedy, misfortune, or small happinesses, I think my life thus far has been full of very extreme experiences. And it’s led me to want to pack as much feeling into our short lives as possible. I find myself wanting to experience all sorts of lives. I’ve learned that no matter where I move, or what I find myself doing, I’m always this inside person. So these things can only shape me.

19576303_10154737986933404_712070334_n

I want to devote the next year to my arts. Writing, painting, photography. Things that I’m very nervous about despite how open I come off as. I’ve recently been struggling with how much of myself to share. Im a person of words and of expression so whenever a feeling overwhelms me, or something big happens, my first thought is to write it down, take a photo, “get it out of my system”.

But I also want some things for myself. At least for now. As much I as I want to scream about some of the things I’m experiencing right now, I want to learn how to hold these feelings in a secret special place in my heart.

19621381_10154737987053404_943328849_n.jpg

I look at the numbers on my different medias. The amount of people that follow my blog, or follow my videos. The few that actually engage with me. The people in real life that occasionally approach me because of words I’ve used that have moved them… and I get a little pressured. That I can’t live up to this person that I’m finding people think I am.

When I started blogging it was just to cope with my anxiety. That somehow I could help others going through the same thing. When I started making videos, it was just an outlet after a break up. And with photography… I guess it’s just allowed me to express without words what I’m feeling inside, although I always try to attach words to these images. I never once thought that people would engage me for these things. And though the number is small in comparison to my friends that I have that do the same thing; it’s still intense to me.

19578200_10154737988048404_593066754_n.jpg

So for the next year, I hope I can be patient with both myself and all of you that support my virtual identity. Despite my natural nervousness, for the past several years this outlet has helped me grow and reflect so much, and the fact that others support that, and relate to that, it’s beyond me.

The next month may be a rocky roller coaster, but I am genuinely looking forward to the next chapter. Stay golden.

19576203_10154737985323404_625048798_n.png

Advertisements

100 mph

Sometimes I feel like my heart is racing at a hundred miles per hour. That somehow I’m so out of shape that I don’t even have the stamina to keep up with my own mind anymore. But I guess that’s just what having a mind like mine is like. I know some of you understand that feeling.

I’m a person that can’t understand good things. I can look at this world around me and feel how beautiful it is, and see how great people can be, and all these little things that make life such a wonder, and yet, I can’t believe in good for me.

19398879_10154717333368404_1057868597_n

I’m supposed to blame that on mental illness, the chemicals that my head lacks and the psychological damages resulting from my childhood traumas. I’m coached into believing that I can’t help it, and it’s not my fault. But I have a lot of days where it doesn’t make sense to “blame” anything or anyone. It’s a thing that simply is, but if I work hard enough I can change it. That somehow I can rewire my brain and learn how to trust others and myself.

Because when I’m experiencing something good, I become really scared. Terrified, actually. Sometimes there isn’t even any thought behind it. My body just enters flight mode and I shake, and want to throw up, and tears start forcing their way down my face, and I can’t breathe, and I just want the world to end; at least just for me.

19415790_10154717330998404_991009667_n

But when it comes to trust I realise how fake everyone is about it. I don’t believe that trust is even something that should have a word anymore. You don’t feel trust or the lack there of… you just decide it. You just convince yourself that your negative assumptions are wrong. That’s all that trust is. But if I can’t do that one simple thing, I wonder if I can have any relationships that are truly meaningful. Or am I just like everyone else and constantly lie to myself and others?

My head spins on these things that don’t even have purpose. When I’m feeling happy I constantly seek out all of the reasons not to be. The ways in which the people I’m close to are going to let me down. How my presence at this moment is simply that; a presence. The same way that I don’t need anyone, no one needs me. It’s comforting and excruciatingly painful at the same time.

I live in a mess of grey and sometimes miss the days when things seemed so black and white. I keep telling myself that the day to day is what matters most. The moment. And that these moments right now are so precious and the most meaningful that I’ve had in some time, but inside, it really hurts to know that things like this aren’t lasting. And that I’ll either destroy something beautiful as I always do, or I’ll convince myself into believing a lie and become shattered in the end. How many times can a person recover from that type of thing?

So my head and my heart are at war again.

19433399_10154717333118404_1127745511_n

Travel Bugs

I sat the other day and re-read through all of the posts I sent in to my school’s study abroad blogging page. I reconnected with my thoughts from last year, and observed how much things have changed, what I’ve learned, and how I grew during that time abroad. And especially how every.single.day I long for that same feeling.

IMG_3746

It’s the middle of summer and the start of a big change. As I’m sure it’s been noted, I’ve had a year of not much motivation and so much self doubt. I try not to regret my time spent, but I’ve reflected on the past year of being back in America and strive not to stay this way. Something I gained while abroad, and somehow lost when I returned was my confidence. From what I wear, how I speak, the things I do. Since returning to America, I’ve been second guessing myself and missing many opportunities thinking that I can’t have it all.

So I’d like to return to living boldly. However, this time, in a less selfish manner as I had done abroad. I’ve tried to focus on the best things out of the past two years and figure out how to take those things into my next chapter.

IMG_3790

So I’m moving in just a few weeks. I’ve found something that feels special to me, so it’s becoming harder to leave, but I am so excited, and deeply grateful for the path that has been provided to me right now. I have a chance to focus purely on my financial gains with out the stress of renting a place. Which is HUGE when you think about how much money goes towards such a simple thing.

I’ve been given a chance to focus on my dreams and figure out what to do with them. And right now that means seeing so much and helping others. The world is so bright and beautiful outside of the hatreds that people hold. So many amazing people exist in this world. So many rich cultures and stunning views… I want to seek those things out. And I’m hoping that I can keep the people I hold special beside me during this venture too.

Doubt from ourselves and the people in our lives and from society are always lingering around in the air and can be so incredibly suffocating most days… But I want to keep my head above those rocky waters and float on towards feelings much more beautiful.

Screen Shot 0029-06-12 at 18.33.42

 

How Time Works

It’s interesting that this time last year I was preparing my mind for moving back to Michigan from Japan, and now I’m preparing my mind to move from the Midwest to the West coast.

It’s been a roller coaster of a year. So much self doubt. So much shift in my relationships. How I express myself to each group in my life individually. The ways in which I view my family, friends, and even complete strangers. It’s been very emotional, with somehow no emotion at all.

Screen Shot 0029-06-05 at 15.55.05

Though I now see change as something incredibly amazing, I still have a hard time facing it. The photos on these four walls I will soon take down. The faces I won’t see every day. The scenery. And a person I met that has become special to me. The uncertainty of leaving these things here… I suppose that leaves a great sense of loss.

I’m still figuring out how to find balance in seeking something permanent while also allowing myself to drift as my heart desires to. I wonder if it’s impossible and if it’s just selfish of me to want it all. It’s interesting to think about that… My family often say to one another how I am a person who doesn’t know what I want, when in actuality; I want everything.

I am in a very great in-between of my life. I’m over qualified for a lot. Yet lack experience for everything else. Professionally that is. And how do I tell employers that I don’t even want a profession? Are there people out there that can accept, “I have this degree, but I just want to work in a place that shares my passions and allows me time to see the world?” Having obtained a degree, it’s actually something I wouldn’t even recommend for people that think like I do.

Screen Shot 0029-06-05 at 15.56.18

Our passions are always changing. And being forced to pick one thing to do for the rest of my life… that sounds like Hell. At least for this time. Maybe as more time passes, I’ll be more grateful for what I chose now and it will help me for what I may want in the future. I definitely couldn’t have had the opportunities and learned the things I have learned with out choosing to walk down this path first. So, in the end of my selfish feelings, I do feel truly grateful for the time that sometimes feels wasted.

AHHHH. Really no matter what you choose in life, you’re always going to wonder with passing time, what if I chose the other path? So I guess I should keep practicing being grateful for where I am and where I have come from.

So… I’ll see you in more passing of time. Matane.

Screen Shot 0029-06-05 at 15.56.32

I’m just bored.

Whenever I’m facing myself parting ways again, I try to remember what my mom said, “Some people are only in your life as a temporary influence. Sometimes you were only meant to learn one thing, and then it’s just done.”

I struggle with the concept of permanence. I guess truthfully there is no such thing. Every single thing fades away at some point in the passing of time. But it’s still a hard reality to swallow.

It’s unclear to me how a person can enter your life and make things so electric. Then in no time at all, they’re gone.

We can so easily fall into a pattern of talking to a person every day. You start waking up with them as the first thought in your head. Before you fall asleep you wonder what they are up to and if their day was good.

Most of the time however, those relationships turn into a meaningless moment. Feelings of affection have turned into more of science to me than anything, so I can’t help but ask all of these questions.

Is it boredom? Loneliness? Ego? What pulls certain individuals to entertain another?

Is it just small attractions? The way a person smiles? The music they play? Most simply, a really strong lustful attraction?

And what do the small details mean? Holding hands for example. Can the sensational closeness of touch be felt by only one person? Is it possible to touch someone delicately and not feel much of anything for them? Or do we always feel it in the moment, and just later it fades away?

I read that once you start studying love, that you become unable to love.

I wouldn’t say that I’m incapable… Rather, I just don’t trust any of it.

I think that people lie by nature. Whether it be for selfish reasons, or to spare the feelings of another person. Often, I’m put down a lot because of my directness. In my friendships, relationships, family, whatever. But the more I watch the interactions of others, I guess, as much as it hurts, there just isn’t much point in probably 90% of the connections that I make with people.

And out of the 10% that have mattered, and still matter, they too, as they are now, begin to fade in time. We’re left with memories and hopes that we can keep finding things that bring the same kind of feeling. Or maybe even something better.

But I think I’m searching for something that isn’t attainable.

Or, as usual, reading into situations and creating scenarios that aren’t actually there at all. I just felt like writing to strangers since I lack face to face friendships to talk about these things with.

When family doubts you.

This started as an e-mail, but I felt it was too bold. Then I thought, maybe some of you have grown up similar to me. And I hope you remember that you are doing your best. And that’s something to be so proud of.

***

Sometimes, even when you’re so far away from one another, words can travel great distances. Sometimes the words you say that you think someone will never hear end up reaching them somehow.

I have a belief that things always get found out. Even if it’s on your death bed. I don’t think that people’s true feelings about you stay hidden.

But some bad things are said out of love. At least that’s what we tell ourselves. I’m not really certain it’s all love. I think it’s our own selfishness. Usually when we say something hurtful it’s because of our own insecurities. If I say something bad about a girl I don’t know, 9 times out of 10 I’m simply threatened. If I say something hurtful about a family member, it’s to ease my own heart to justify a way they made me feel. Or act like I don’t care. Or if I say something bad about a friend, it’s because I want them to be the way I want them to be because it’s what I think is best.

Screen Shot 0029-05-03 at 12.34.06

Family is probably the last one. We younger ones, we are left to grow up and think, “they just tried to do what was best.” I’m sure no matter what age all of us are right now, we’ve felt that way about the older ones in our family at some point. But despite knowing this, from generation to generation it doesn’t change. We still say hurtful things.

August 2010. Clear as day. I’ll never forget. I was told, “No one thinks you’re going to make it.”

That bothered me for a really long time. Honestly.. this might be the first second that I look at those words and I’m not bothered. Because what is “making it”?

The conversations I’ve had with family it always boils down to money. Money is the only way to be successful. And for some, this conversation always ends up talking about how I can give money to them if I’m “successful”. So I started feeling, “it’s not my happiness, it’s what I can provide.”

That’s how humans are, right? It’s always what we can provide. A service. What are we giving back to society? What are we giving to the people who don’t see our hard work, they only think our “success” is because of them.

Screen Shot 0029-05-03 at 12.34.10

Most of you can’t understand me as I keep saying. It’s easy for you to say to each other, “Holly doesn’t know what she wants.” “Holly is unrealistic.” “Holly should grow up.” “Holly should act this way.”

Maybe it’s because we are from different generations that happiness means something different to us. But I think it’s just individuality. Because in each of your generations there are people like me. But I guess you probably scoff at them too.

Do all of you know what you want? Have you lived such a life where you honestly think you never upset someone? Have you done all you wanted? The “crazy” dream you had as a kid, did you do it?

People wait until it’s too late. Then one day you are taking your last breath thinking, I had it all wrong.

Just because you can’t understand me, it doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want. In the grand scheme of things, hell, I don’t know. No one does. I don’t think anyone can argue that.

The steps that I take make you feel uncomfortable. They make you worry. And they make you talk to one another and say things out of frustration. I try to remember that. That we all say things in a way we don’t really mean it to come out.

I know it’s pointless to say “don’t worry”.

But just watch me.

If through all my struggles, frustrations and thoughts of unfairness in my world, I can share a photo of smiling people, a lovely flower, a sunset, anything beautiful. I think that means I’m doing okay.

And out of my life, that’s all I want. I just want to do okay. For me.

My own success is not measured in your expectations. Just as your success isn’t measured by anyone else.

And I hope you can realise that too.

Screen Shot 0029-05-03 at 12.34.21

Dating Games: Relationshits.

Writing this feels so gross. Like… really stereotypical and cliche and all of those other words that say basic bitch in a more classy way. But I write about my moods, yeah? So… cool.

Being the entitled little millennial 90’s child that I am, like most of my grunge born babies, I like things on my terms and done my way. So… relationships, fuck that, right? Who has time for that? Who wants to dedicate their time to some smooth talking, beautiful faced, … okay. A guy that is just going to turn out to be your typical millennial fuck boi. Yes, boy, with an i. I’m told that that’s a bit more “savage”. The younger millennials adapt words quicker than they switch partners.

Screen Shot 0029-04-30 at 10.10.30

And that’s not a jab. We millennials are also pretty… what do the baby boomers call it… liberal? In our world full of opportunities, we don’t have the the same sense of needing to settle down in one place with one person, and that’s great!

However… communication is so lacking. Maybe because of the way we change words so much. None of them really mean anything. They’ll change in a week, just as our minds will.

So even though we all say we don’t have time for relationships, we find ourselves dealing with the same things we want to avoid. Endless seas of twats and miscommunications.

Screen Shot 0029-04-30 at 10.09.41

I’ve been talking to my liberal, entitled, want it all, born around the same years these past few days about love and relationships and what that means to us. Most of them describe the same thing of themselves.

“I want one person, but I think we aren’t meant to be monogamous. I think it’s fine for partners to be sexually active with other partners, but emotionally it should be kept between the two people who have love for one another” type of answer.

Which, as a fellow in utero of the 90’s, I get that. We are a have our cake and eat too kind of creation. But is it possible… I’ve met people, and read blogs, of couples that have very successful relationships this way, but they are from the more closed off older generations. My generation… perhaps we lack the proper communication skills and ability to sacrifice that would enable us to be such a way.

We want freedom, but don’t understand that freedom comes with it’s own price. Emotional termoillllllll.

Screen Shot 0029-04-30 at 10.09.45

Because when people say they don’t want to be in a constricting relationship, it’s more, THEY want to be able to do as they please. When their partner expresses their own freedom, tables turn and jealousy, and “WHAT. FEELS?! We have to end this.”

Relationships of all sorts fascinate me. Parents and children. Friends. Siblings. But those of sexual nature and romantics… the differences between actually caring for someone and just trying suppress human loneliness… mind blowing thing to watch and experience.

But I’ve been asking myself… Have I gone a little too deep into it? Has treating it as a science project trying to find a perfect formula to a perfect communication made it all even more superficial than my grunge diapered peers ability to hit it and quit it with no feelings at all?

Perhaps it has. But we’ll tuck that thought away and I’ll continue my basic ass millennial view of, “Ha, well I am but an observer of this life” attitude.

Matane, doves.

Screen Shot 0029-04-30 at 10.09.34