Long time no type.
I’ve been pretty bad at communicating lately. Probably every year I write about something similar around this time. My mind is racing, I hate the holidays, ugggghhh family, etc. I guess I’m not sure what I’ve already said before, but I’ll say what I’m feeling now.
It’s not that I hate the holidays. I hate the forced interactions and the expectations. See, as I’m dealing with the fall out I’ve mentioned before, the year has been pretty messy. Crazy it’s been almost a year since I’ve made my choice to distance myself more. I don’t feel too different, but people close to me have been saying how happy or strong I seem these days. I don’t understand them, but whatever, I guess it means something.
Last Christmas I took off to Mexico to avoid as much as I could of family time. This is going to sound incredibly harsh of me, but perhaps it’s time for me to say it out loud… I just don’t care for that type of thing. I like to meet people independently. I hate being forced in a room all together, forced to make small talk with people that don’t talk to you any other time of the year. “What are you up to these days?” “Work. You?” “Yeah, just work” “Did you hear so and so broke up?” Etc.
In my case, maybe this is mostly my fault because I believed my whole family hated me growing up causing me to talk less and hide just about everything to do with me. But, we can’t undo the past, so, I am the way I am now.
Growing up… my birthday and the holidays were just an act. Let’s parade around the family and show how happy we are and well adjusted and my life must be so great because I am nothing but a spoiled, manipulative, no-good, daughter of a bitch, sneaky, little girl who knows nothing and expects everything. Naturally, because I thought this way, I wasn’t able to handle the slightest of criticism. Maybe they weren’t even criticisms. If someone asked me, “Holly, how are you doing in school?” I assumed it was because they thought I was failing. If I was talked to about being skinny I assumed they were making fun of me. (Which actually did happen once.) Or anything of the like. I’m still defensive when anyone asks me the lightest of questions. “Holly, what did you do today?” Oh, they must think I didn’t do anything and I’m a lazy piece of shit. Or, ugh, they think I’ve been sneaking around and doing stuff I’m not supposed to be doing. …It’s a habit I hope I can break.
Anyway, once I left to college I hated going back for the holidays. Certain people would tell you that I’m ungrateful. “Holly was always given so much.” That’s not really a lie in terms of birthdays and Christmas. My siblings and I always received lots of gifts, to which we were grateful. But, I’m not sure how as an adult that’s supposed to make up for the lack of emotional well-being. But like I said, I’m an ungrateful bitch.
But this year is almost more difficult than before. Because for the most part my truth is out. People aren’t having an easy time accepting that. And honestly, I don’t think people take me seriously. And that’s fine. But, since I’ve said my words and have finally spoken out against some small things in my life, I’m not going back. It’s challenging because really, only two people have hurt me where family is concerned. So I’m assuming the rest feel shafted by my behavior and way of thinking. I do feel a sort of… sadness and guilt for that.
However, selfish as it may be of me, I don’t think it’s any one’s business what I choose to do with my holidays. If I want to spend it with friends who have done nothing but support my growth over the past several years, or I want to travel to another country, or spend it with my boyfriend’s family who has been nothing but warm to me, or even if I want to lock myself up to be alone and cry, IT’S MY CHOICE. And for the first time, I’m going to put my happiness over my family’s no matter how cold that makes me seem.
I think that sometimes, especially when we are battling our own demons, we need space away. I’ve seen people that have been through way worse than me. There’s some people that would probably see my pain as a glorious escape from what they went through. There’s some people that see me and start to appreciate what they have. But this is my pain and my journey to decide how I want to handle it.
And for anyone going through the same thing… learning to cut off toxic people even if it leaves a string of innocent people hurting and you feel once again, “maybe I am just being dramatic”, I want to remind you that you are not being dramatic. Your pain is yours. That is not something for anyone else to tell you you’ve made up, or you’re blowing things out of proportion, or you’ve only misunderstood, or you’re just a little brat.
I wish for you the gift of strength if you are needing it this holiday season. There are so many people like you. And I hope that you find warmth somewhere in the season. Be it with a friend, a partner, or a pet, religion, spirituality, anything. You are more than your past, and you can create a very loving future.