So I’ve moved across the country and it turns out it was harder than moving to the other side of the world. I say it’s because I know my heart doesn’t belong in Nevada. It’s been a hard week. The temperature is beyond me so I can’t step outside without feeling like a vampire turning to dust. My memory card smashed so I can’t focus on photography or filming. Job hunting is a pain, especially with a half committed heart. And a long distance relationship is just as disgusting as they say. (He’s worth it.)
But I’m leveling out.
The first week, every day I almost booked a flight back to Michigan. Even in moments the past couple of days I want to run back into the security of what is familiar. I can’t understand the struggle I’m going through because it was so easy to go to Japan. When I got off the plane at Las Vegas I wanted to turn right back around. The lights and people and gambling and beer… culture shock in my own country. I spent the past week telling myself that I couldn’t do this. Applying to jobs that I know I’m over qualified for in order to play it safe, and then becoming crushed because I know inside they won’t benefit me.
But, through all the crying and doubt I’m starting to want to realise my potential. To apply to jobs that will test me and push me. All while saving up for the jobs abroad that I truly wish to take. Even though being alone in Japan also frightens me, I’m remembering that a huge chunk of my heart is still there, and the feeling that I haven’t spent the accurate amount of time there has returned.
No matter how unraveled my world seems to be right now, there is something in the pit of my stomach telling me that I am in the place I need to be right now. So as much as I wish I was somewhere else, it’s the reason I stay. And I hope I can keep pushing harder and come out stronger.
There are people rooting for me. Some wish to see me stay held back in Michigan, but others see what I often forget. That we are capable of anything. I hope I can focus on that and start creating more positive thoughts to go to the places I want to go and see the people that I want to see.