It’s been almost a year since the last time I’ve flown. I can never get over the way time passes. The last time I flew away from Michigan I was headed to California for a week’s break before I crossed the Pacific into Japan. I was full of excitement.
This flight I’m headed to Las Vegas. Is it vacation or a life change? The first step so to say in the start of my life after college. I’m full of fear and uncertainties. We left during the sun set and are thus far flying with it. With the time change and all, the sun set should be with us a good portion of this flight. About an hour or so before I land. I love sunsets above many things, but the thought of a sunset that is never ending unnerves me.
In the moment I wrote that I realised that I have a strong feeling towards things that don’t last very long. Sunsets, the full moon, and the sakura bloom. Maybe that is why my heart becomes so restless. Beauty can fade so quickly like the fire in the sky during a sunset. A place can grow dull and lifeless. A relationship can become routine and boring.
And yet… change also terrifies me. So I’ve been facing that dilemma. For the past week I’ve felt a lot of pressure to stay in Michigan. I’m easily set off into stressing about things so naturally as I function the past few days have been spent dealing with massive anxiety attacks and very doubtful thoughts. I even envisioned myself in a 90 mph head on collision the other day. I have a scary mind.
Michigan, rather my college town in this case, offers a sense of security. A simple day to day plan. One where I would work my days away and mostly spend the evenings with a really cute guy I now call my boyfriend. He would be the reason I stayed behind. The only reason. Aside from the fear of change. But I remembered how horrible it felt to return to my college town last year. How my first week there was spent in suicidal thoughts and self hatred. I’m dramatic.
So I’ve been given this opportunity to leave. And I’m flying towards it now. The West has always offered a different feeling for me, but I’ve never had to feel while in Vegas. I’ve never truly looked around this city. I have no idea if it can give me the sense of calming I need for the time being. I’m unsure of myself in my relationship.
I know that I shouldn’t choose to stay behind because I have done that before. I made someone my life. And I lost myself completely and I think it played a large role in the outcome. Surely the phrase “if it’s meant to be it will all work out” holds some truth. All of us are different. Every relationship is different, and for me to give this one a chance, I should really stop comparing it to the one before.
The past day I’ve realised that I can’t be good anyone unless I’m good to myself. I had to remind myself of that when I went to Japan. Surely if I can move across the ocean and create the best year of my life with some of the biggest hurdles, I can manage a new time zone a few states away.
For the past week I’ve felt so crazy and out of my mind. I’ve never missed my college town so much. I never thought I’d say that. But the people I have in my life right now are amazing. The endless support from my friends and those that love me is what has pulled me through this week. Keeping me in check and reminding me that thus far, whatever I’ve set my mind to has been something that has been a positive overall impact on my life.
In my heart I know that I’m flying in the right direction. At least for now. And though I’m terrified and I want to throw up and cry and just hide under the covers with this cat that I know, I’m interested to see what this next week holds. Will I decide to stay, fly off somewhere new, or return to something more familiar?