I’ve been asked a lot the past month, “So what are you doing in Las Vegas?”
I give a half honest shrug off of an answer like, “Oh ya know, saving money, spending some time with family I haven’t seen in a bit.” That’s the answer people want, isn’t it? Something noncommittal they don’t really have to think about. Though if I had to give an honest answer; just work on finding myself more. Dive into my natural abilities and learn what I could do with them.
Some new faces invited me along to Chicago with them this past weekend to attend the Pride parade. Though that was supposed to be the highlight of the trip, I found the most pleasure in sitting on a rooftop, taking photos, laughing, and imagining that our lives could some how be this simple.
I enjoyed looking at the city in a light that I hadn’t before. Typically when I think of going to Chicago, I’m a little annoyed. A dirty city and a high population of people with snappy mouths. But my perspective has changed somehow this year. In that, I want to find beauty in all of things and keep my expectations and judgements to a minimal.
Vegas isn’t a place that I had ever thought I’d spend time in aside from a short visit to party or spend time with family. So, when I was first offered the opportunity to stay for awhile, I was pretty disgusted by the idea. But now, I’m looking forward to finding the small things that make Vegas, Vegas. Not the parties, or strippers, or drunken street walkers; though they are a part of it; I want to see the things that no one pays attention to. I actually find myself longing for that bit of exploration.
I’ve developed into a mind set of extreme curiosity. Be it tragedy, misfortune, or small happinesses, I think my life thus far has been full of very extreme experiences. And it’s led me to want to pack as much feeling into our short lives as possible. I find myself wanting to experience all sorts of lives. I’ve learned that no matter where I move, or what I find myself doing, I’m always this inside person. So these things can only shape me.
I want to devote the next year to my arts. Writing, painting, photography. Things that I’m very nervous about despite how open I come off as. I’ve recently been struggling with how much of myself to share. Im a person of words and of expression so whenever a feeling overwhelms me, or something big happens, my first thought is to write it down, take a photo, “get it out of my system”.
But I also want some things for myself. At least for now. As much I as I want to scream about some of the things I’m experiencing right now, I want to learn how to hold these feelings in a secret special place in my heart.
I look at the numbers on my different medias. The amount of people that follow my blog, or follow my videos. The few that actually engage with me. The people in real life that occasionally approach me because of words I’ve used that have moved them… and I get a little pressured. That I can’t live up to this person that I’m finding people think I am.
When I started blogging it was just to cope with my anxiety. That somehow I could help others going through the same thing. When I started making videos, it was just an outlet after a break up. And with photography… I guess it’s just allowed me to express without words what I’m feeling inside, although I always try to attach words to these images. I never once thought that people would engage me for these things. And though the number is small in comparison to my friends that I have that do the same thing; it’s still intense to me.
So for the next year, I hope I can be patient with both myself and all of you that support my virtual identity. Despite my natural nervousness, for the past several years this outlet has helped me grow and reflect so much, and the fact that others support that, and relate to that, it’s beyond me.
The next month may be a rocky roller coaster, but I am genuinely looking forward to the next chapter. Stay golden.