It’s interesting that this time last year I was preparing my mind for moving back to Michigan from Japan, and now I’m preparing my mind to move from the Midwest to the West coast.
It’s been a roller coaster of a year. So much self doubt. So much shift in my relationships. How I express myself to each group in my life individually. The ways in which I view my family, friends, and even complete strangers. It’s been very emotional, with somehow no emotion at all.
Though I now see change as something incredibly amazing, I still have a hard time facing it. The photos on these four walls I will soon take down. The faces I won’t see every day. The scenery. And a person I met that has become special to me. The uncertainty of leaving these things here… I suppose that leaves a great sense of loss.
I’m still figuring out how to find balance in seeking something permanent while also allowing myself to drift as my heart desires to. I wonder if it’s impossible and if it’s just selfish of me to want it all. It’s interesting to think about that… My family often say to one another how I am a person who doesn’t know what I want, when in actuality; I want everything.
I am in a very great in-between of my life. I’m over qualified for a lot. Yet lack experience for everything else. Professionally that is. And how do I tell employers that I don’t even want a profession? Are there people out there that can accept, “I have this degree, but I just want to work in a place that shares my passions and allows me time to see the world?” Having obtained a degree, it’s actually something I wouldn’t even recommend for people that think like I do.
Our passions are always changing. And being forced to pick one thing to do for the rest of my life… that sounds like Hell. At least for this time. Maybe as more time passes, I’ll be more grateful for what I chose now and it will help me for what I may want in the future. I definitely couldn’t have had the opportunities and learned the things I have learned with out choosing to walk down this path first. So, in the end of my selfish feelings, I do feel truly grateful for the time that sometimes feels wasted.
AHHHH. Really no matter what you choose in life, you’re always going to wonder with passing time, what if I chose the other path? So I guess I should keep practicing being grateful for where I am and where I have come from.
So… I’ll see you in more passing of time. Matane.