I’m just bored.

Whenever I’m facing myself parting ways again, I try to remember what my mom said, “Some people are only in your life as a temporary influence. Sometimes you were only meant to learn one thing, and then it’s just done.”

I struggle with the concept of permanence. I guess truthfully there is no such thing. Every single thing fades away at some point in the passing of time. But it’s still a hard reality to swallow.

It’s unclear to me how a person can enter your life and make things so electric. Then in no time at all, they’re gone.

We can so easily fall into a pattern of talking to a person every day. You start waking up with them as the first thought in your head. Before you fall asleep you wonder what they are up to and if their day was good.

Most of the time however, those relationships turn into a meaningless moment. Feelings of affection have turned into more of science to me than anything, so I can’t help but ask all of these questions.

Is it boredom? Loneliness? Ego? What pulls certain individuals to entertain another?

Is it just small attractions? The way a person smiles? The music they play? Most simply, a really strong lustful attraction?

And what do the small details mean? Holding hands for example. Can the sensational closeness of touch be felt by only one person? Is it possible to touch someone delicately and not feel much of anything for them? Or do we always feel it in the moment, and just later it fades away?

I read that once you start studying love, that you become unable to love.

I wouldn’t say that I’m incapable… Rather, I just don’t trust any of it.

I think that people lie by nature. Whether it be for selfish reasons, or to spare the feelings of another person. Often, I’m put down a lot because of my directness. In my friendships, relationships, family, whatever. But the more I watch the interactions of others, I guess, as much as it hurts, there just isn’t much point in probably 90% of the connections that I make with people.

And out of the 10% that have mattered, and still matter, they too, as they are now, begin to fade in time. We’re left with memories and hopes that we can keep finding things that bring the same kind of feeling. Or maybe even something better.

But I think I’m searching for something that isn’t attainable.

Or, as usual, reading into situations and creating scenarios that aren’t actually there at all. I just felt like writing to strangers since I lack face to face friendships to talk about these things with.

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