When family doubts you.

This started as an e-mail, but I felt it was too bold. Then I thought, maybe some of you have grown up similar to me. And I hope you remember that you are doing your best. And that’s something to be so proud of.

***

Sometimes, even when you’re so far away from one another, words can travel great distances. Sometimes the words you say that you think someone will never hear end up reaching them somehow.

I have a belief that things always get found out. Even if it’s on your death bed. I don’t think that people’s true feelings about you stay hidden.

But some bad things are said out of love. At least that’s what we tell ourselves. I’m not really certain it’s all love. I think it’s our own selfishness. Usually when we say something hurtful it’s because of our own insecurities. If I say something bad about a girl I don’t know, 9 times out of 10 I’m simply threatened. If I say something hurtful about a family member, it’s to ease my own heart to justify a way they made me feel. Or act like I don’t care. Or if I say something bad about a friend, it’s because I want them to be the way I want them to be because it’s what I think is best.

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Family is probably the last one. We younger ones, we are left to grow up and think, “they just tried to do what was best.” I’m sure no matter what age all of us are right now, we’ve felt that way about the older ones in our family at some point. But despite knowing this, from generation to generation it doesn’t change. We still say hurtful things.

August 2010. Clear as day. I’ll never forget. I was told, “No one thinks you’re going to make it.”

That bothered me for a really long time. Honestly.. this might be the first second that I look at those words and I’m not bothered. Because what is “making it”?

The conversations I’ve had with family it always boils down to money. Money is the only way to be successful. And for some, this conversation always ends up talking about how I can give money to them if I’m “successful”. So I started feeling, “it’s not my happiness, it’s what I can provide.”

That’s how humans are, right? It’s always what we can provide. A service. What are we giving back to society? What are we giving to the people who don’t see our hard work, they only think our “success” is because of them.

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Most of you can’t understand me as I keep saying. It’s easy for you to say to each other, “Holly doesn’t know what she wants.” “Holly is unrealistic.” “Holly should grow up.” “Holly should act this way.”

Maybe it’s because we are from different generations that happiness means something different to us. But I think it’s just individuality. Because in each of your generations there are people like me. But I guess you probably scoff at them too.

Do all of you know what you want? Have you lived such a life where you honestly think you never upset someone? Have you done all you wanted? The “crazy” dream you had as a kid, did you do it?

People wait until it’s too late. Then one day you are taking your last breath¬†thinking, I had it all wrong.

Just because you can’t understand me, it doesn’t mean I don’t know what I want. In the grand scheme of things, hell, I don’t know. No one does. I don’t think anyone can argue that.

The steps that I take make you feel uncomfortable. They make you worry. And they make you talk to one another and say things out of frustration. I try to remember that. That we all say things in a way we don’t really mean it to come out.

I know it’s pointless to say “don’t worry”.

But just watch me.

If through all my struggles, frustrations and thoughts of unfairness in my world, I can share a photo of smiling people, a lovely flower, a sunset, anything beautiful. I think that means I’m doing okay.

And out of my life, that’s all I want. I just want to do okay. For me.

My own success is not measured in your expectations. Just as your success isn’t measured by anyone else.

And I hope you can realise that too.

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