I say I’ll jump, but never do.

And so we’re told to walk on the sidewalk. Stay off of the grass. Walk the straight and narrow. Eyes kept forward in the direction that is expected from us.

I’ve been taking pictures of flowers again. And walking on curb sides. And rolling in grass. Not wearing shoes on the city streets. And maybe drinking a little too often. Honestly, I’m not really even certain what would be expected of me if I even wanted to hang from that noose.

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I am directionless. Spinning around and around in circles becoming more and more dizzy hoping that when my foot finally stumbles outward my toes will point towards some form of promising light. As I’ve always known, humans are a complicated ball of wanting what one isn’t.

When I was calculated like a compass and my steps laid out like points on a graph, I lacked any excitement. And now, as all of those plans have been erased, my compass hand bent, and my body is twirling, well, I kind of miss knowing my step for step. But in the end, when I’m out here on a tree stump as the sun goes down, I think where I am must be okay. Even if it’s tiring feeling so many things, and some surprises aren’t good ones, maybe I’m more alive that way?

Summer is approaching now. And I don’t want to think much past that anyway.

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*

Side thought. I’ve spent most of the day alone and wandering about. I found morel mushrooms. I caught a frog. Scared a bunch of turtles, and just now sat watching deer.

As I was watching them, and they were watching me, taking bites of leaves and grass and sticks every so often with caution, it made me think that people live this way towards one another as well. I thought first, “if both of us can sit here and accept each others presence, can’t people?” But then I thought, “well, they actually don’t accept me. I’m just here sharing the space. They are watching me making sure I don’t suddenly cause a threat. And I am watching them both in awe, and honestly, for the same reason.”

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Humans live that way. Always watching one another. Questioning our motives. What each other is thinking. Are we a threat? Can we be trusted? Or maybe just people like me think like that. But it was a thought I hadn’t really dug into until now.

For the first time I felt a little silly having always thought, “why can’t people just love one another?” And I guess I should rephrase. Why can’t people just accept one another?

So I think I’ll put it that way from now on.

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