“You’re actually pretty sad, huh?” Guess the cat’s out of the bag.
It’s almost been a year since I had to start truly thinking about returning to the states. It’s sakura season in Japan again, so I’ve been pretty nostalgic. Thinking about where I was at this time last year. Was I happy?
In a few short months I’m moving again. Since I made this decision, I’ve noticed my actions have become pretty… impulsive. Which I didn’t quit get a grip on until waking up this morning. Since I decided to move, I’ve realised that since returning to this drunken college town I haven’t made one single solid connection.
My feelings of this place are all just memories of what was before I left. The people that mean the most to me. The friends that drifted away. The people that have “grown up”. And the people that have passed away. It’s been a wild experience the years that I’ve spent here. And yet, it feels like I’m leaving absolutely nothing behind.
So I’ve been scrambling… In hopes that I can meet friends that move me. Experience something that will make me remember this place fondly once I go. But the more I scramble and push, the harder I fail. And I realise that, I’m not the person I want to be.
I had an expectation for this year. That I would return as this new free spirited Holly that I felt I bloomed into when I was in Japan. That somehow I would find myself with a group of understanding friends and my last year in this place would be filled with great memories and stronger bonds than I had previously formed.
But I returned and was met with a different reality. And instead of trying to change that, I shut down as I so often do when things don’t turn out the way I had hoped. So I’ve been cold and distant and I had made up my mind that I wouldn’t become close to anyone. That these so called “friendships” where temporary and in turn were not worth the effort. “Drinking friends.” A term coined my freshman year of college for the group of people that don’t really care about you, but you can gain social interaction from.
I never gave people here a chance to know me at all. I reverted right back to the person that I had worked so hard to change. I’m not sure which Holly is more adapt at this life. Not a thing this year has been genuine.
So as summer approaches I have a strong sense of loneliness. That feeling where you have no one to call, for anything. No one to laugh at a late night movie. No one to watch stars. Talk about life and what’s next. Why are we here? What’s your dream? So I wonder if my last months here will be stuck in this feeling.
I haven’t learned balance yet. It seems I’m either disconnected from the world around me, or I’m pushing too desperately to be a part of it… which in the end leaves no acceptance from the people around me. So I’m not too certain what to do at this time. I would like to watch a far off sunset.