It’s 2 a.m in Tokyo. March 20th, 2017. One year ago today I accomplished my life’s dream.
I think that everyone deserves at least one secret. Something that only they can hold on to. I forget that sometimes as more and more I let who I am reflect through my posts on various medias. What once was something very therapeutic, can occasionally now leave me very empty just as before. If I let go of everything, if I share everything, what do I have to hold on to anymore?
I thought getting older meant becoming wiser. But, I’m feeling anymore that that isn’t exactly true. I feel more lost and blurred than ever before with each passing year. I thought growing up would mean finding a place. Not feeling so different. I’ve found myself more complex than ever before. At first, I thought I was simple; accepting all for what it is. But recently I feel like what other people consider to be basic moral, I lack that now. Because everything this grey, and nothing is wrong or right. I guess that’s why I am a loner type of person.
The past week I have had the urge to run in a specific direction. I kept putting it off. “I’m too tired.” “I’m sick.” Today I woke up with a stronger pull and decided that even though it hurts to breathe, I will go for this short run.
So I tried to run, and when my throat hurled with coughs I decided to stop and saw a path. Then off of this path I saw some concrete. And inside this concrete, I found a secret place.
I’ve lived in this small city for some time and something I always hated was that I didn’t have a place for my own. Everyone assumes your business. People appear open minded, but talk rather badly. And when I want to hide from every one and everything, I never had a secret place.
I can tell this place is where others come to drink and do drugs. Which makes it all the more special. Because others are using it as an escape too. Somehow we people are led on the same paths. Places with peace and love etched into their walls.. I’m glad I found what my heart was pulling me towards. So I think it’s important to remember to listen to those weird pulls.
The more I experience, somehow the more lonely I feel. But something that is extremely strange to me, is that the more lonely I am, the more I appreciate what is around me and in my life.
As the weather changes I’m happy to have this place as solitude. I want to enjoy my last months in this place and try to find appreciation in where I am before I leave.