I don’t really get the physical “lay in bed all day” sick very often. So I guess when I do I become pretty miserable in my head. I always think, I should be working. Laying here is a waste of time. I haven’t done anything. And I become very anxious, even though becoming sick is supposed to be a sign that your body needs rest.
However I think I’ve just been stressed lately. I’m feeling the very big pressure of time and money the past two weeks. It seems that though I’ve been trying, I don’t get much room to save money. It all washes away in the waves of bills and time is ticking closer and closer to when I want to leave this place.
It’s like when you’re playing one of those games as the sand slips down marking how much time you have to answer the question or complete the task. I’m feeling really desperate to accomplish what I want to accomplish, so on days like this when I can’t work, I can’t make money, I feel worthless.
Then I become frustrated that money has this kind of control over our lives. A never ending circle.
I’m not happy or sad recently. But I keep trying to put this face of doing my best. But I just feel like I am going no where. I look around me at the people that lie and cheat to get what they want and somehow things always seem to work out for them. Are they happy? And I try to be honest, and kind, and treat everyone fairly and do things in a “justly” way. But am I happy? Am I going anywhere?
I feel stuck in this constant rut of dissatisfaction. I’m not learning anything new. I’m not meeting anyone inspiring. And I feel farther and farther away from my goal every day that goes by.
I guess even from home there are things I can do from this sad sick room. So I will do my best in being productive that way.