Not exactly alright. But not, not fine.

I haven’t posted random photos in between my random melancholy thoughts in awhile. Recently, in order to express myself as I always feel I must, I have taken some photos here and there to cope with just another phase. I guess I’ll talk about it a little. They say that it helps. And I started social media platform for that reason in the first place. So.

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After finally getting over my distaste for the people I was surrounded by, and re-learning my acceptance of others and who they are, I’ve been fortunate to observe a new group of people. How they support and care for one another moves me a lot. Kind of like a movie of rag tag kids with no one else in the world but each other. They feel like a family. Though I’m a person that keeps others at an arms distance, watching them together makes me feel warm and smile a lot inside.

If baffles me when I realise others watch me too. And when they approach me and say things like, “We’ve noticed that you haven’t been quite alright.” I guess since coming back to America, of course I’ve changed, but recently I guess I have been a bit of an empty shell.

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To put it extremely bluntly, maybe seeing a dead baby does that to you. Being able to hold my nephew in the palm of one hand maybe broke a piece of me that I still haven’t been able to regain. I guess I can’t ever regain it… but patch up somehow as we must do in every tragedy life brings.

We as people never like to admit that we are struggling. We want to be strong and show others that we have no weakness. And I suppose this thought leaves us to slowly destroy ourselves.

On top of trying to heal from our tragedies, life keeps moving. Work, studies, travel, dreams, job hunting, relationships of all kinds, finding ourselves.

I’ve been given an okay to begin cutting medication out of my life. Somehow, being able to say that I’m not okay has earned me that. And I’m facing the problem I was worried about when I first began taking medicine. Am I strong enough to go alone? But that’s another discussion.

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Emotionally I’m not exactly alright. Tears happen randomly. I am angry. And mostly I’m just not feeling much of anything at all. I shrug everything off as, well.. life simply is.

To feel or not. That is always a place I return to. But we still keep on moving forward as we must. Interviews. Friends. Tears. Art. Expressions. Goals. Dreams. What do I want? Who do I love? What is important anyway?

Of course, these times do pass. And I’ll look to the people I care about and internally thank them for always standing beside this existence that is me. And we will smile and laugh again.

I think I need to chase more sunsets like before. Recently I just haven’t been feeling quite alive. So I suppose it’s time to learn to fix that again.

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One thought on “Not exactly alright. But not, not fine.

  1. All of the photos are excellent. It’s OK not to feel alright some of the time.
    I do see some positive attitude in this post too.
    You are a strong woman even if you don’t always see it in yourself.

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