Xavier James

This content may be upsetting for some readers.

2016 ended in my baby sister finding out that she would give birth to a baby boy in April of this year. Little Xavier James. January 10th, we found out his heart had stopped beating.

I received a message, “Sometime between now and our last app…” That’s all I could see at first of the message on my phone’s screen. I was at work, and I thought happily that the message would say “Sometime between now and our last appointment will you take pregnancy pictures for me.” That’s what I really thought… But when I opened it fully it read, “Sometime between now and our last appointment, we lost him.”

At first I didn’t really grasp the full situation. At first I simply thought, “My sister needs me.” So I rushed out to call her. At first I wasn’t even thinking about the baby who had passed away. Simply how unfair life is. For how much my sister has been through in her short time on this Earth already, for her first son to be taken so cruelly away from her this far along. I was just so mad.

And then it faded to acceptance. How the world IS unfair. How Xavier was much too good to be forced to live the burden of a life. That everything would be okay and that my sister would triumph over yet another emotionally hurdle in life and go on to do amazing things.

Which she is doing. The strength of my sister through this whole ordeal is possibly what gets to me the most. How incredibly strong she is. How rationally and maturely she talks to doctors and to her family and to herself. She is a lot stronger than I am. I guess that annoys me about myself the most.

That I can make this appearance in front of her to be strong. To not cry. And maybe this isn’t about losing my nephew at all. Maybe it’s the most simple form of having seen a little precious innocent human being so soon.

Xavier was born January 15th, 2017 at 12:22 am.

He looked just like his dad. But he had my sister’s nose.

This perfectly imperfect image is plastered into my brain. And I guess that’s what hurts.

Little Xavier James lived. And he is incredibly loved.

I’m not sure what I believe spiritually, but I know that he is apart of this universe and we will always love him, and I know I will do my best to let him live through me as well.

Xavier, thank you for existing and being apart of my life for this time. The excitement I felt knowing I would have another little boy to spoil gave me immense joy and I will never ever forget you.

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