Yesterday was a graduation ceremony. And today, I’m a university alumni. As I suspected, my feelings are a bit confused.
One of the most basic human emotions, one I try very, very, hard to always ignore, is envy. I used to be a very envious child. I wanted to look like this person. I wanted parents like this person. I wanted the smarts of so and so. etc, etc. I was never good enough as myself.
In high school I accepted that, my life is the life I was given and that somehow, I had to make it work, so I feel like, since that time, I haven’t wanted so much the life of anyone else.
And then I went downtown last night. I saw so many families laughing together. I saw all of these families coming together to celebrate. Dancing, singing, doing shots, being extremely obnoxious… And I felt such a burning in my stomach that I haven’t felt in a very long time. I really wanted to be happy like that.
The past year I’ve heard so often, “What do you want?” “From me, from yourself, from life.” People always expect an answer from the question, and it’s so hard for them to accept from me that I don’t want anything. It’s a really frustrating thing to explain. But I wanted to give it a go.
If you can’t live without a want from me, then simply, I want to see beautiful things. (And you can stop reading here.)
When I wanted things, I was so unhappy. You can argue with me the difference between wanting and being envious, but for me, my definitions are similar. You can tell me how sad and depressing I am for this answer, but that’s not it at all either.
You can’t understand a person to their core, you know. And just because the words I choose are different than yours, it doesn’t mean I’m as broken as people that ask me this question make me sound. “Oh. You just don’t know what you want. So you fill that with just anything.”
Not to say I’ve never been supported. And not to say that no one cares. But where I am today is because I got myself here. And just because I don’t want anything, it doesn’t mean that I don’t strive for more.
There’s a lot I put myself down for, mostly feeling that I don’t try hard enough.But I won’t ever doubt myself again that I’ve come to this point by living the most true to myself that I can.
Wanting and expecting things from anyone and from life are completely useless to me. So to answer all your questions, I simply hope to strive for more. Whatever that means in my current and future endeavours.