I’m sitting on my bathroom floor, with a cinnamon candle, while the bath fills with scorching hot water, and Honne plays on Spotify. 20 years and I’m still finding myself in this same exact position.
Maybe because it’s snowing. Maybe because I’ve been reading a lot. Maybe because I graduate in a few weeks. Most likely because I keep very lonely company. But I’ve been thinking a lot about life, as always, but more than usual. You know how the phases go.
My boss asked me yesterday, “What are your goals in life?” I really hate that question a lot. I don’t know how to answer it. It always just feels like a reason for people to add in their own judgement. But she didn’t do that. I could have made up a lot words that a boss would like to hear. How motivated I am. I much I want to improve in my current affairs. I’m really good at telling people what I think they want to hear. But I was honest. “I don’t really know. I want to travel. Meet cool people.”
I always say my feelings lately are totally normal. Going through the “oh fuck, what do I do after graduation” phase of life. But it’s not really a phase I’m realising. Every single day, we are always asking ourselves, “what the fuck am I doing?” No matter how selfless I am. No matter how selfish I am. Honestly, the quality of my feelings haven’t changed at all. Being selfish of course brings many more opportunities. But being selfless brought a small sense of belonging. Can there be both? Is something I wonder a lot lately. But to want both… that in itself is purely selfish.
When I first came back to this place I remember that I felt I could go anywhere in the world with fresh feelings. Lately however, I feel like somehow every place is tainted. For now, in the simplest, I am stuck between America and Japan. Where do I go after I graduate? (This is rhetorical.) Both places, hold shadows that I still feel like running from. But Japan is the closest thing to ever feel like whatever a home should be. Do I go there and face my problem head on? Yet. Either way. The problem remains the same. Loneliness I suppose it is. Just a stupid human emotion, doesn’t mean anything, but I feel like writing about it.
Japan’s loneliness is both a blessing and curse. I like how I can feel alone in the busy streets of Tokyo. That somehow in this sea of bodies, I’m the only one that exists. My own world. Yet, between my own walls and the one’s around those that occupy Japan, there is little space to feel value. America’s loneliness is a little more heartache. I’m surrounded by familiar faces. People that I use the word “love” for. And still, it’s just a mass of broken promises and “do this for me”.
I think a lot about why people are lonely and what makes us that way. Mostly in the ways of cheating. Maybe because I’ve been cheated on. Maybe because I’ve been the cheated with. (oops). But it’s a huge mystery to me. And everyone has their own reasons, but it all boils down to the same thing, a feeling of loneliness. Maybe your partner can’t understand you. Sex isn’t good. Etc, etc. Some part of these people is simply trying to fill a void someplace in their heart that feels lonely or unloved. Even when the people closest to us are supposed to fill all of those holes.
They don’t though do they? With out even realising it, the one’s we are closest to, make us feel so incredibly empty. As do we to them. So the past two years I’ve noticed I live my life in months. Countdowns until my connections with whoever I’m close to stretches apart, more, and more until it finally snaps and is lost. In a world that I used to crave permanence in, I find myself begging for only temporary motions.
A few months in this place. A set time at this job. A year with new friends. A friendly, “is this a relationship or are we just friends” kind of fling. I haven’t decided if this is the best way to live my life or not. I know most of me is simply afraid of letting anyone make me as comfortable as I once was. Stagnant in life. Miserable. But comfortable. But another part of me genuinely feels that this is how I’m supposed to be.