Inbetween the chaos.

I’m in that phase again of not knowing how to say what I’m feeling. Because I don’t really know what I’m feeling. Well.. I know… but I’m also feeling the exact opposite of that. Do you understand?

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October has come, and during Autumn it’s usually my most intimate time. The weather is getting colder, time is slowing down, and people are becoming lonely. For many years now, October has become a month of strange times for me. I hate October, but at the same time, October always offers me valuable lessons.

My life as it is now feels I’m doing things that I would rather be doing the opposite of. I’m inside often studying. I study so much, and yet I feel I’m not learning a thing. I sit inside facing the window watching the leaves blow in the wind. They are changing colours now. And I just want to lay out there in the sun with my camera, in a sweater. With a friend.

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Conversations are becoming empty again. How do we separate between those we can talk to and those we can simply be around? How do you decide who to trust? These things I’m not sure of still. Probably it’s just part of me that won’t change. But I know that recently I just want real conversations. I want to talk about how fucked up we are in our minds. I want to look at stars and wonder why we’re here in this moment. I want to ask someone random questions.

They say that time heals all. I’m not certain that it’s true. I think there is always a little bit of damage that cannot be undone, but I do think that as time moves on, somehow, we figure out how to be a little more strong. We find ourselves thinking that maybe we can take risks again. Maybe I’m feeling that way recently.

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“Japan has changed you.” People say that. I talk more loudly. I laugh more often. And maybe this is good. But I can’t say it’s really who I am. Japan taught me very well how to present myself in a way that my society finds more acceptable. When honestly, I just want to sit alone and observe the world as I used to.

This fast paced semester of people with fake smiling faces can be so tiring. When inside everyone is just pretending for the sake of the company of others. But we don’t really need all of that. Because in between all of this chaos, I think we should be happy with ourselves. And I still want to continue forward on my own two feet.

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