I woke up recently with a panic attack. So I started going through the normal steps to calm down. Put on a funny show. Drink some water. Walk around a little and take deep breathes. Keep saying it’s okay to every bad thought that appears. When your chest stops hurting, think about why this could be happening.
So I don’t want to become an adult, but there are two things I’m certain of, I probably want a tattoo, and I need to be back in Japan.
I’m overwhelmed with emotions the past few months as reintegrating is. I’m flooded with feelings of my friendships here, my family, the things that I love about Michigan, and even certain things with the attitude in the states. But, though America is supposed to be the land of the free, and Japanese society has so many limits, I feel free in Japan.
Maybe it’s a place where everyone judges you, but it’s a place where I judge no one. Maybe it’s a place full of people, but it’s a place where I feel like I’m in my own world. Because I have anxiety, people often ask me how I was able to handle a place like Tokyo. And I simply don’t know. Put me in the same crowd here and certainly I’d probably struggle. And of course in the busy city I have days where I need to run away and just be with nature.
But there is something like magic there for me. Where I am capable of everything. I am on my own. My secrets are my secrets. I have no shame in honesty. And I feel that everything in this world is in my reach.
It’s something like heartbreak being back. I left a huge piece of myself across the sea. It seems parts of my heart are everywhere, but Japan certainly has the biggest piece.