I’ve been thinking a lot about time. How so far everything has always been broken down into semesters for me. Soon that kind of counting is gone. I’ve started breaking things down into months, and thinking… time is so short.
I met with a good friend yesterday and he said to me, “It’ll be weird without you here again. You just got back.” Of course for me, I want to return to Japan. I feel I haven’t learned all I need to learn from there yet, so that is where my heart pulls me to. This lonely country with many barriers in my case… some how I feel needed there. But being abroad gave me a new feeling towards people. How much I cherish them, and how important they are to me. How much I miss in other’s lives being away, and how much people miss me.
But that is my selfish life. Just looking out for myself and trying to find some sort of reason to keep myself alive. I never thought I would be the person that can leave so easily. I always felt growing up, “everyone leaves”, and I had thought, I’ll always be here for everyone. But nothing is simple like that. Somehow I have learned to support from a great distance. But as I count down my time with my precious roommates, my family, and familiar faces, I can’t help but feel a little shaken by the change that will soon erupt in my life.
“There’s not a point to be close to others.” “There’s no such thing as an honest relationship.” “Everyone leaves.” “Adults are the absolute worst things.” So many ideas I had and have. And every single one is every day challenged and changed. But I think I’m finding a home in that.
No single place on this earth will be home. But rather, myself is home. Where I am, and what remains in my heart, is home.
Two years ago, if anyone had ever told me I’d learn to love myself, I would have laughed so much. And all the posts I’ve ever read on self love I had always brushed aside as garbage. To think now, I understand these feelings… How much has changed. And how much is a struggle, but being able to wake up every day, alone, and saying to myself, I’m okay. Despite any normal sad feeling a human harbours, somehow, with myself, I am okay.
So as I keep stepping forward into directions I’m not sure of, I hope I can hold on to that feeling somehow. And for everyone I will move away from eventually, I hope to carry them always inside of my heart, and know, that no one is really that far away.