Recently, I’m trying to be sure to set aside reflection times. The first two weeks of the semester it was work, class, study, bed. During the weekdays I took no time for myself and of course I burned out very quickly.
My American life is busy in a hectic way. I am working on my last two classes of my college life, trying to pay rent, and trying to get my resume together to take the next steps into that work life. But right now is my update, since I haven’t really done one, and especially posted photos, so if it’s long, bear with me?
Settling back into my life in America has pulled forward all that I learned in Japan. Some things you don’t realise until you come back, and I guess that’s why it’s important that study abroad has an ending, even if you never want it to end.
I learned how precious some of my friendships are, but how to manage them in a more healthy way. I have a tendency to hold on tightly to things and make them the most important thing. However, sometimes you find yourself distant from the ones you wish you could be with always. I have learned that meeting new people and trying to form new connections is valuable. It doesn’t mean that the people you care so much for will be replaced, it simply means that you can possibly meet people who will one day hold so much importance.
Recently a friend I made in Japan was able to visit me. And I know with no doubt, those we wish to see, we will cross paths again one day. Sometimes it can be hard with social media to watch everyone continue on with their lives. I get such jealous feelings like, “I want to be there. I wish I was that person to be next to them.” But I realise instead to focus on the happiness of my friends. Because their happiness is what is truly important to me.
Which leads me to something else. When sometimes love doesn’t work out, it’s so easy to stay bitter. I learned so much about acceptance when it comes to love/liking someone. Especially in the case it doesn’t work out.
To be honest, losing a relationship that lasted 7 years was the best thing that happened to me the past two years, or has it been three…?
It allowed me to leave the world behind me and travel to a new country with no ties to the past. I could explore myself and make the same “mistakes” as the rest of the world seems to make. I got to be surrounded by many couples making “bad” choices. I got to see cheating, and listen to talks of love, the future, etc, etc. I got to look at a relationship from an outsiders point of view. I was able to shed my own bitterness and form the final conclusion that, for me, the status of a relationship doesn’t matter at all. To love people, even if you cheat, I think it’s a wonderful feeling.
Maybe because I believe everyone is unfaithful to a point, I can’t trust in relationships yet, but our time with people is so short and unsure that I realise that there is no point in playing coy about your feelings. I think it’s so important to express yourself and be bold. For me, I think it’s so great to meet people and learn from them. Even if you part ways.
This also helped me realise that I can’t control what people think about me. I guess making videos on the internet played a role as well. No matter what I’m doing, people can find something bad in it. Or simply something they don’t like. Everyone has their own opinions. So I should just live as I want. As long as I feel confident in myself that I’m doing my best to be understanding and kind, I shouldn’t be worried about the thoughts of others.
Some friends still worry so much about being judged. But I believe everyone should express themselves as they choose. Sometimes I wonder if my choices of expression will one day land me in trouble, but until that day, I want to live freely. For those that can’t understand me, there is no point in wasting my energy trying to change their view.
This attitude towards my life has also changed how I look at others. Maybe my first reaction is, “wow… what a bitch.” or “They’re a shit person.” But in the end of it, I always try to remind myself, “Everyone is a way for some reason. Whether or not I agree with that reason, it doesn’t matter. That is the person they are. If I dislike it, then I don’t need to my energy in that place.” Just as I can act as I please, I can’t judge others so harshly for their own ways.
Some people scold me for living in such a grey area. But I like this place best.
But still, my life is as my blog says: “not so interesting.” Simply, I’m still growing and trying to do the best that I can and see where that takes me at my own pace. Recently my sister told me, “You sound somehow like you’ve matured.” And I want to believe that I can keep growing positively and love everyone and myself so much.