Okay… I Admit It.

He was a boy I knew from the first words he said to me, “Youuu haven’t gone yet.”, was a no good boy. And that time I sat silently listening to Ed Sheeran on the way home in the back seat figured… he’s got his own set of issues.

So I was just taking a bath trying to figure out my next life lesson: “how to be alone but not feel lonely”; when Ed Sheeran decided to play on my Spotify shuffle. It dawned on me… I’ve spent the past two years hating this concept of “love” and the ideal of what people call a “relationship”. And I had to admit to myself right then… You know what kid, love isn’t that bad.

I think there is one point we all think we have love figured out. We create this comfortable life, but occasionally for some of us, suddenly we are looking around and we are miserable. We realise how weak we are and the wrong ways we let people treat us. Comfort is so easily confused with love. And when I lost comfort I felt, love is something that does not exist.

 Then something even crazier happens… suddenly this stranger tells you all of this (b.s at the time) like, don’t walk on the edge of the sidewalk or alone at night. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re capable of anything. And you’re left thinking… wait? People give a fuck? Is it possible to find some sort of self value? I don’t have to hate myself for a person to care about me? And suddenly you have this hope that the past 20 years were just bad luck. Your family that always told you you were wrong, the person that pushed you down so many times, maybe they were wrong… and maybe all of it wasn’t your fault. Maybe you weren’t a person that would be better off dead.

I was told, “Sometimes people enter your life just to teach you something, then they are gone.” And I think it’s probably true. So when someone that teaches you so much must disappear, it’s easy to think… it was all a lie. A build up for the let down that always comes.

But I thought today… had I not loved someone, I wouldn’t have learned to love myself.

And I think that loving someone so much, and watching them leave, was the best thing to happen to me. Because I want to keep proving how much I can do. And it’s not for anyone this time. It’s for me.

Love taught me that. And I think that love is a really amazing thing. So maybe for some of us it’s not possible to be with the person we think we love the most, but I hope that I can embrace and give so much love while I am alive.

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