It’s 5 a.m. I’m watching the sky turn periwinkle. I just munched on a sushi roll I bought from 7/11 as I saw a friend off at the station. Nirvana Live at Reading is playing. I’ve slept maybe 10 minutes.
This is the life that I like the most. Chaotic. Uncertain. And not so typical. When I’m not sleeping, I know that I’ve entered a creative period. I know that I’m experience anxiety and depression and the way that I sometimes shut off my feelings unknowingly. I know at some point in the next month or two I will crack and go through an “episode”. But it’s a life I’ve accepted these past two years.
I just finished my student life at my Uni in Japan. I’ve entered the phase of no obligations. Time is 100% my own right now, unless I feel the obligation to entertain others against my own “I want to be alone” feelings.
I guess I’m in this reflective stage where I am supposed to digest all I’ve learned this past year. I feel like… This year was used strengthening what I already knew.
Nothing. Is. Permanent. Since my 6-7 year relationship ended a few years ago the person who needed a plan type that I was died. I believe she formed in order to feel a control on her life. For a life that was full of experiences that I disliked. A life that was always controlled by others. She emerged to take all that back. But I’ve learned that she was just as bad as the people I hated so much. Holding me back and causing unnecessary stress. I can’t control life. And honestly, it would be extremely boring if I could.
No one is right. And no one is wrong. The world needs to learn to accept this one. I could say so much. But really, it should be common sense.
The words “happiness” and “love” are words I believe emit no emotion for me. I felt this way when I was kid. I tried hard to accept them as a teen and until recently. For whatever reason, words like these don’t reach me. I prefer “you made me smile” and “you never treated me like an option/I feel your affection”. Happiness and love are an unattainable constructed idea that have no reality. Meaningless words to give a definition to categorise the mass amount of feelings we have. I’m not emotionless, it’s not that I’m not capable of either one, it’s just… they are different to me. “happiness” and “love” are not things that I feel in my core. But it doesn’t mean that in the standard definition I haven’t felt these things.
Every. Single. Person. Is. Amazing.
I have no desire to be admired as far as a career/family/relationship are involved. I want to create things. I want to live freely. I want to meet and part ways as many times as possible. I want to feel everything. I want to experience the world. I want to be inspired and I want to inspire. I want to write and film and talk and draw until I cry from being so tired and drained. It’s all that makes me truly feel.
So the sky is turning more grey now. I feel there is no point in sleeping so I think I will clean and pack some things away. My life here is ending. I can’t feel anything about that yet.. other than grateful. I think even if I died today, I could accept that the life I lived was meaningful.