Today I’ll write to a metaphorical “you.”
They blame my anxiety and etc for sometimes acting out compulsively. Maybe that’s why today when I looked at my wall of photos and saw you there, I just found myself ripping the photos down.
Photos are something I love. Capturing an image and a feeling as it happens to refer to later. But sometimes they are poisonous. Reminding us of the laughter and happiness that isn’t going to return again. We’re forced to see these photos and sigh in forced acceptance that, “it’s time to move on”, “don’t live in the past”.
And it’s undeniably true that the more you let go the more that you are allowing to come in. Each step I take farther from you, I find the most beautiful things entering my life. My experiences become happy and the people I meet seem pure. And I have accepted that you were only the first step of many that I needed to take on this path called life.
As much as I dislike making connections with others for this exact reason… People like you inspire me to write and to live and to feel. The one redeeming quality that you have is that you always make me feel like trying harder. Becoming stronger.
Even as today I throw away these memories of you, I only feel like getting stronger because of you.
I found myself packing my bags today. “Pack away everything that does not serve the rest of your time in Japan.” I found myself eager to run away from Tokyo. Eager again to run away from my problems. Maybe that’s all moving and traveling is for me.. forever running away.
There is one photo left on the wall. When I take it down I’ll pretend that it means it’s the last time I look fondly towards you. That somehow I can put you in the back storage of my mind where you belong. It’s funny how hate can sometimes be the most sincere of fond feelings.
So as I tear this photo down… and as I pack these bags. And when I find myself alone in an empty room back in the college town that will feel dull and lonely with out you there, I wonder when I will also throw away these words. And I wonder when I’ll be strong enough to move on confidently and look at others with out seeing you.