Every day is a part of a countdown now. Every hour. Every meal. Every conversation.
It’s almost as if through each moment I can see the outline of a clock on the wall, tick, tick, ticking by. If my room is silent, I can hear those ticks taunting me. “Do something. Go somewhere. Be with someone.”
It’s funny how a year sounds like an eternity to some people. Having missed me during the holidays this year, I’m sure my family has felt my absence. But for me, I feel like I haven’t been gone nearly long enough. I feel as if I have finally put one foot forward into a world I honestly don’t know anything about, and suddenly… in about 26 days, I have to take steps right back to where I was. I’m not certain what will become of me there.
This semester has been unlike the first. I’ve become a fly on the wall in Ikebukuro and also in my personal life. Somehow these days, I float in a state of melancholy as I observe these times. But at the same time it’s not sad at all. It’s a calm acceptance.
Meeting and parting ways, though still tugs at my chest like no other, has turned into both a dull feeling of… “this is how life is”, and the excitement of, “when will I see you again.”
This year I feel like I have learned an incredible amount, but at the same time it’s like I’ve learned nothing at all. With all I have gained inside of myself, it doesn’t really change a single thing. I am still this person I have always been. Feelings only become that dull acceptance. Does that make life easier? I haven’t decided, but to be truthful it’s just a different kind of disconcern.
But life is great. Breathing. Touching another person. Laughing. Seeing all of these beautiful moments that I can’t stop taking pictures of. Some days it is like nirvana. There is no sense of content or discontent. Things just are. And those are the moments that I think; I am actually alive and I am actually experiencing whatever life is.
But I’m a person that is afraid. In a world I believe there are no constants. I still struggle with friendships and the commitment people call love. Maybe I will always find it pointless inside of me, but the connections I have made the past year… The people I call friends. The ones I can smile at. The people I could hug and wonder, “how do you love someone?” It has changed my world and given me this huge feeling in my heart and opened the world to me. Even if it’s on my own, there is so much in front of me to see. Somehow on my own path.
So even though I don’t know what to do when this clock screams in alarm that my time here is over… I will keep walking forward into everything that I have no clue about. In life we can only say, “I tried.”