Being abroad I’ve thought about my past a lot. Closing doors that don’t need to remain open. Accepting what was in order to move on to what is. And learning to say thank you instead of hold a grudge.
I write a lot of letters I never give. I lot of poems, journals, short stories, that will never see the hands of another (As far as I can control). But I felt like writing an ambiguous thank you.
Thank you for leaving me when I needed you the most. You taught me so young that nothing is permanent. That the people that should love you the most, tend to you the most, can easily push you aside to focus on their own selfish young selves. Thank you for replacing me. With others, with materials, with substances.
Thank you for teaching me to rely on myself. How to make due with the few resources. How to get from point A to point B alone. How to see in the dark in order to protect myself from what lurks there. How to work for everything I needed and wanted. Thank you for teaching me to value a family, no matter how they became that way.
Thank you for running away from not just yourself, but from me. You wanted to find yourself, and you wanted to lose yourself. You kept me at a distance. Thank you for making me feel like a burden on your life.
Thank you for teaching me that my existence is valuable. That even when people turn their backs, somehow, I had helped. Thank you for showing me that even though I can’t feel it, I can change people’s lives.
Thank you for always blaming me. Thank you for calling me stupid. A bitch. Irrational. Thank you for pushing me and shoving me and replacing me. Thank you for still constantly reminding me that sometimes the people you give the most to, only take away from you.
Thank you for showing me how to respect myself. For showing me how to notice when someone is playing my emotions. Thanking you for giving me the strength to show myself how far I can come on my own. Thank you for breaking me into finding my voice again.
Thank you for using me. Thank you for showing me that someone can hold you so gently but not care about you at all. Thank you for showing me uncertainty.
Thank you for teaching me how to be more selfish. How to not let people treat me badly. How to stand up for myself and what I believe. Thank you for teaching me how to have fun even if it means nothing. How to realise that I shouldn’t believe in mistakes. Thank you for showing me that people who seem the strongest can be really weak. Thank you for showing me it’s possible to love again and thank you for showing me how love should make you feel.
Thank you for shaping me into the person that I am.