I just felt like writing. Expressing.
I get in these moments where I just want to talk to anyone, but I realise… there isn’t anyone I believe can listen. I can tell all these things, express my feelings, but it’s not that anyone can really understand, and how do you determine if they even care? I guess honestly, that’s why I do so much personal things on the internet. A way to express myself in a way like minded others can find me. Maybe I can’t make the proper connections personally, but somehow people like my words virtually.
As I’m inching closer and closer to returning to the states, I hate it. Every second, every thought, turns into a reflection. An uncontrolled web of emotions and memories. Almost unbearable at times. But there’s something new… something I didn’t have when I came here. Acceptance.
Acceptance that life is a staircase that has no end. A mountain that has no peak. I just keep going up. Maybe sometimes you rest in one place for awhile. Maybe you fall back down a few steps. Some people even pick one place to stay forever. But I’ve learned about myself is that, there isn’t an end for me. The time that I stop climbing is the day that I die.
Even just last month I had this thought that Japan wasn’t the place I could stay. But now I know that my time isn’t done here as I’m nearing my end. I think I’ll come back here. I’m only just reaching a point of tying up loose ends. A point of accepting what it means to be alone and letting go of love. Accepting that what I want out of life is something that maybe certain people will never understand. But it’s okay.
Family can sometimes be old fashioned. Find a man. Marry. Have kids. I see all of the ones I graduated high school with. Serious relationships. Marriage. Kids. For a time I thought… I’m missing out. I’m not living properly. And even now I feel that our lives are so different there is no way we can connect… But, acceptance. Acceptance that the ones that are meant to stay in my world will stay, and that as I silently support them, they are silently supporting me.
Society says, career. Pick one job. Keep working hard. Get to the top. But I don’t want that. I want to bounce from place to place. I want to meet people in all walks of life. I want to keep learning new skills and experiencing new environments.
People will tell me… generation Y. How we were all raised with pointless dreams. Trophies for accomplishing nothing. Entitled. Selfish. The list goes on. But I think these older generations are bitter on the things that they didn’t have. The life that they wanted to see, but they chose societies way. They chose a way of survival that they were taught they needed for their time. But time is constantly changing.
The world that I live in… it’s endless. Instead of conquering countries, we want to understand them. Instead of killing and pushing natives from their lands, we want to make life long friends. And even through all human kind thinks they have accomplished… living harmoniously with this earth isn’t one of them.
It’s far fetched. It’s a dreamers attitude. But it is me. I used to focus so negatively on the feelings in my heart… Being always alone. Not having a place to ever call my home. Not understanding family or relationships. But these things… they don’t need to hold me back, but rather propel me forward. Forward into a world that I can learn from.
Life is never easy, but if anything, I want to make it worth it.