Change in Semester: Change in Heart

Have I written about it before? The change of semesters? I remember writing about the coming time for my friends to leave. I knew that no one could replace them, but this semester abroad is whole new animal for me.

I would like to make a proper video out of this topic.. Because right now I’m purely writing because my emotions are high and I haven’t expressed something raw here in a bit. But I know this will be scattered and not in depth enough.

Since the start of this semester I’ve felt off. The vibe is different. The feeling isn’t light and fresh as it was. I think that this semester there is such a judgemental atmosphere.

Last semester we could all have fun together, laugh at silly mistakes, and I think all of us where some of the most open minded people in the world. It was so easy to just live and have fun no matter what life stresses caught hold of us.

It’s not so much that anymore. Constantly there is gossip. And I’ve began doubting everything again. What will people say if I wear this? What will they say if I do this? If I get invited out to drink I have to ask, what if I drink too much? What if I say something stupid?

And heaven forbid I kiss someone. Or let a person who drank too much sleep in my room. Because trust me, these things mean you are just the worst person in the universe. (I try to avoid the word slut.) I miss the days where everyone just accepted each other as we are.

I like to think I’m open-minded. That everyone around me has their own story and their own life. But being surrounded by people who are so quick to judge me is turning me sour to the idea of being around anyone. Being judged  I think gives you the feeling that you should judge back… And I hate when that person tries to arise in myself.

Again… I just have to get to the attitude of “fuck what they think. I know who I am.”

I do believe that for these people, the ones who have to scowl at every action of another person, especially one they know nothing about, are the people that will never understand the world in the most simple and beautiful ways.

It’s easy to pity people that live differently than you. It takes work to understand them. So I’ll take this semester with salt and allow it to be an experience to grow from. I’ll keep searching for beautiful souls and leave the negativity behind.

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One thought on “Change in Semester: Change in Heart

  1. I think it’s really amazing you think this way~ I am trying to have this mentality more. As another girl who is studying in Japan with anxiety, I am always wanting people to like me and worrying about how they think. I even dated someone for 8 months and changed so much about myself so they would be happy, but in the end they used my anxiety as a reason they cheated. Recently I’ve really been trying to figure things out but I like reading your posts and watching your videos. I hope I can have this mentality too. I’m working on it lol~

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