It seems that I can only write about change. Whenever I’m moved to write something, it’s because my world is changing and I’m not sure what else to do. Change is something we can’t control. Change is the only thing you can count on. Change is every single day, but suddenly the time comes where even though you saw change coming, you didn’t feel it until this moment.
I have four months left in Japan. I’m wondering what my friends felt at this time.
My friend drew me a picture in a bar the other night. A timeline. He’s always telling me things like… “You’re right here. You have all of this time before you have to worry about the things you’re worried about.” Actually… every one has told me this. Ever since I can remember, these are always the words people that are able to become close to me tell me.
I guess I always worry because I know change is always occurring. And it’s something I really hate me. Maybe even more than lies.
The past couple of weeks I’ve looked at the world I’m in right now. I’m exactly where I want to be. However, the feeling isn’t the same. I accomplished my childhood dream for coming here. And every time I’m outside I think, every thing is so beautiful. I smile for that reason. My feet are standing right where I want them to be. But now I have to figure out where to put my heart.
I worried a lot the months leading up to now, “What happens after I complete my dream? What am I supposed to live for?” I cried a lot. And I was afraid a lot. I was worried… what if nothing makes me want to keep walking forward?
The day I looked into my dream and thought, I did it! I couldn’t help but cry slightly in this park. People looked at me funny… but all I felt even more was that… I want to be stronger. And it’s very bittersweet.
Growing up hardens feelings so much. I never thought I would feel in my heart a goal to be, “When I see your face, I hope I feel nothing.” I can’t shake this feeling that as we get older our hearts grow so cold. It’s not always because we want them to, it’s just because we feel if we can’t shield them, we can’t go on without pain.
Despite anything, I always wanted to be able to feel with my whole heart. No matter how much the past hurt me, or how much I fall down in the present, I always wanted to be able to say, I felt everything with my whole heart. I really did my best without becoming like them.
The past couple of years, people keep saying to me, “Be more selfish.” I think I have in some ways, but in the ways that everyone keeps saying… The only way would be to cut off these feelings. And even though everything keeps saying, “forget, forget” I don’t want to.
I don’t want to forget the smiling faces. I don’t want to forget the stupid things. I don’t want to forget the tears. And even if my heart says that it wants to feel nothing when I see a certain face, I want to remember how I felt.
I’m not sure how to move forward right now. But from being here, I figure that’s probably just what life is about. In Japan I’ve learned that I know absolutely nothing for certain.
All I can experience is what I feel. And right now… I’m not sorry at all. I’m not sorry about anything I’ve done. And I’m not sorry about how I feel.