Today I want to write about this photo taken from this blog: x
See… I read a lot about my friends travels, strangers travels, brief acquaintances. But no one ever hits on the feelings I feel personally. I feel bad in my own blog posts I send to my university for being so intimately honest with my feelings.
I just sent an e-mail to my family and friends who asked to keep up with me while I was away in Japan. Recently looking at my surroundings and realising I only have 4 months left in this place, I came to the certain conclusion that I can’t live out my whole life in America.
I’ve never felt like I’ve had a home. (Maybe it sounds dramatic). But recently I’ve thought… I’ll just make the world that home. It sounds romantic and beautiful and that traveling is this glorious life of adventure and mystery and freedom. But also deciding that this is the path I’ll probably take, it comes with a great sense of loneliness.
This year I HAVE missed deaths. I’ve missed my only chance to say goodbye to friends and family members. I HAVE missed births. I missed my best friends children growing up. I’ve missed my nephew growing up. I’ve had to rely on the internet to keep me in constant knowing of what is going on in the lives of those I left behind. I’ve had nightmares of family and friends telling me I’m selfish for leaving them. I’ve felt guilty in thinking about my future in that, maybe I won’t be close to what these people consider home.
There are so many feelings that I think I might burst some days. So many things that I feel I can never have the words to properly explain to these people to make them understand. I worry everyone sees this life as a vacation. That I’m doing something extraordinary. I’m really only trying to find a small place in this world like they are. There is nothing that sets me apart from them.
As I constantly find myself explaining to people from back home, this life, it’s so challenging. It’s hard. I’m alone. And I cry a lot. But when I type these words, there’s a strong piece of my mind and heart that says, but it’s worth it. I wouldn’t have it any other way. The hardship is what makes me feel like I’m gaining something even if so many days I tell myself, just give up.
Maybe this blogger doesn’t feel in all the ways that I do. But I think no matter what path you choose, you crave the opposite. If I chose to settle in one area, I’d feel I’m missing out on the world. If I got married and had kids, I’d miss the freedom of having no commitments. And in choosing this life, I lose the ability to believe in anything permanent. I lose certainty of having someone by my side. The certainty of knowing someone is always waiting for me. The changes in my family. The holidays. The smiles and laughs and tears.
And still I’m not sure what’s important. Living a life I know isn’t for me for the sake of those I love, or risk being called selfish for living in a way that maybe I can half ass stand a chance in.
But regardless; Every action has a consequence. Every gain has a loss. And it felt nice to see someone else write that down, that I felt moved to do the same.