“Stay Hungry”

Blog, Twitter, Friends, Strangers.

How are you?

This place hasn’t been much of anything lately, huh? I came to Japan. I told you that much. I’ve neglected photos. I’ve forgotten to post videos. The place that helped me in many ways has been towards the back of my mind gathering dust. Mostly because I feel like I’m always saying the same things. But regardless, I miss this blanket.

Forgive me if this runs long. Let me show you my life again.
I want to start with a quote.

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These words are important to me right now. I still haven’t learned to let go. Since coming to Japan I have held on so much to things that just aren’t. Humans are flawed. I’m flawed. Absolutely nothing aside from the portraits the sun makes are perfect. If I want to put it dramatically, I feel that I have lost something very important. How to love a person. However, this loss may only be temporary, and for this time, it’s not something I miss.

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Because even if I become lonely, or sad, or feel broken sometimes and confused, I’m taking care of myself. I don’t have someone to hold me if I panic anymore. I don’t have a person to wipe my tears when I’m lost. I don’t have a person to confess my fears to. I realised this year that the people you think will always be in your life and have time for you, it’s not true. Time is constantly moving and your importance in a person’s priorities change. It’s the saddest feeling, but it just is. So all you can do is make yourself stronger. So I’ve been doing my best.

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The world is a lot bigger than I am. I don’t feel like I can as easily care about these small problems I have with people. I feel like if my biggest pain is feeling alone, I don’t have a real thing to complain about. A lot has happened while I’ve been in Japan. A family member passed away. A loved friend lost his life in a car accident. Paris was attacked. My home Uni’s town was gunned down.

The world is unfair and unforgiving. I don’t feel the need as much now to feel sorry for myself. I don’t feel the need to have this world baby me. I don’t see the point in hiding in fear of the world, anxiety, my problems. I’m going to die one day. And when the time comes, I hope no matter which way I go, be it in a parking lot to a gunman, old age, traveling some place random, I hope in my final moments I can smile because I tried my damn best.

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But even these words are false sometimes. Because of course I cry. Of course sometimes I’m weak. For sure I’m afraid of so many things. The biggest one right now, the next few months.

Spring Break is now for me. I traveled to Hokkaido. I said goodbye to my closest friends studying with me. I’m alone again. But this time I’m welcoming it with a sense of relief. I’ve been trying to study harder. I’ve been trying to think of myself. I’ve been really trying to not lean on others, though maybe the past couple days I failed.

I’m remembering that this time I have here in Japan is precious to me and how much I don’t want it to end. I want to be grateful for every single second I spend here. Because this time is too short.

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The plum blossoms came to Japan and soon the sakura will take over. Have I written about it before? That my one dream I held until now was to see the sakura bloom in Japan? To look into a forest of petals in this country. This became my dream when my parents separated. It pushed me through every trial of my life. Divorce, home problems, depression, anxiety, and the so many awful things I have ever done or thought to do to myself. Yeah, as I grew up I wanted to experience culture, people, food, etc. But the sakura are my credit to existing.

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I was really afraid when I came here. What do I live for after I accomplish this dream? But now… having lived these six months and learned all of these things, I know I’ll be okay. Even though I have no idea what’s after Japan. I have no idea what I want after graduation. I have no idea what I want for my life. I have no clear dreams and no passionate goals.

But a friend here told me their goal was to always “stay hungry”. Always for something. And all that I know for certain is that until my day comes, I want to say that I was hungry for life. Even if I was lost, I smiled and walked on confidently believing that things will work out somehow. To know that I tried hard and reached in every direction until I found things to become happy.

For me, I can’t believe anything is absolutely certain. I’m always changing and always growing and always wanting new things. So I don’t know where I’m going. But I know I’m interested to find out.

Until next time.

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