Becoming Holly.

Recently I made it through another battle of anxiety/depression. Not long ago I got a notification that it was my blogs 3rd birthday. So, three years. Three years since I started this journey of fully trying to deal with my anxiety and depression. Three years since you all have come to know me through my words.

Recently I’m feeling passionate about the things I love. Blogging, filming, photography. I wanted to utilise that tonight and give you all a piece of me that I haven’t offered much often these days.

You’ve been getting the tidbits. “I’m here in Japan.” “Life is good.” “Still suffering.” Etc. But I haven’t really talked with you.

After this last battle I had to work my way through I have awoken a little. When I first started this blog, I was about to hit the lowest place of my life emotionally. When everything caught up and I genuinely believed with my whole heart that I wasn’t going to carry on anymore. Having survived through that I thought, “I never want to feel this way again.” And through every struggle I had, I was still able to keep from that dark nightmare. Until the past couple of weeks.

Even though I was here in Japan, the place I have dreamed of coming since I was a little kid, these thoughts found me here. And I was terrified. But somehow again, I’m still here. I want you to know what I learned.

I’m becoming Holly. Whoever she is. Whoever she will be.

Last year I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew who I was and what I’d be and how I’d be that person. Since moving to Japan, that confidence in myself and my thoughts was shattered quickly as new knowledge and life experiences flooded my senses.

It’s naive to think you can fully know who you are. Because constantly we are changing. Every day shapes us piece by piece and there is no constant you.

Coming to Japan has given me the means to try things I never thought I would try. I’ve clubbed all night. I’ve hung out with strangers at the bar. I’ve traveled alone. I’ve somehow communicated needs in another language I still can’t speak. I’ve wandered the streets of Shibuya all night all alone on Halloween. I’ve done things that I won’t ever share on a public blog.

For the first time I can look back on myself, re-live the moments that people would tell me are “stupid” or “dangerous” and I think… “I have no regrets.” Maybe there are one or two things I should feel bad about. I don’t. And that’s okay. Maybe some things a lot of people would say I shouldn’t have done. That’s okay.

I beat myself up still from time to time basing my actions around the way I want people to perceive me. As a good person. I used to think that in order to be a good person I had to follow a strong sense of limitations. But I’m realising that’s not true.

Last year I was able to meet a person who’s actions I often questioned. His moral code and the way he treated some were bewilderment to me. And yet, always this person will be one of the most amazing friends that I ever had the pleasure of knowing once. They showed me that the ways in which a person choose to live their own life aren’t a direct reflection on them as a person.

This year, I’m starting to accept that for myself. In all I think I’m a pretty shit person as far as being complicated goes. I don’t have a direction. I don’t have an ultimate passion I’ve found that I’m willing to risk everything for. I act out in questionable ways. I can be irrational when it comes to my feelings. And I’m a really sarcastic bitch most of the time because that’s my sense of humour. But still… I have the confidence now to really be able to say and believe that the people who really know me, and really accept me as a person, believe that I am good.

I want people to believe that. But I’m realising that I don’t need to compromise my actions because of my fear to not be accepted.

Constantly I’m growing here in Japan. And there’s still so much that I know I need to work harder on. There’s so much I want to gain. I’m almost at the half way point and there’s so much I want. I have so much fear and anxiety for the nearing months. But I want to face them head on. I want to learn more about becoming Holly.

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