I’m in a bought of unexplainable anxiety again. But I decided it’s due the coming changes. However, I’m ready. This post may ruin my “month in photos” post for July, but my past couple of blogs have been nothing but text, so I want to include some photography here.
Here’s me trying to be artsy:
I’ve learned so much this past year. I remember June and July of last year. Not that the earlier months were particularly better, but in June and July the change of changing my studies was beginning to hit. I was headed back to university with a new mind set and new goals. Goals I had locked deep down inside of me under all my hatred and pains.
I decided then, I didn’t want to be caged.
I made this choice. And it completely destroyed all of the things that I had known up until that point. Six years to dust. What I thought was important, to dust. The things I thought I was sure of, questionable. The hardest thing to face was that I had wasted so much time on these things only because I had no self value. Even now I think of where I could be had only I never let the hand I was dealt growing up get me down. But I guess I wouldn’t be the person I am had I not encountered this life.
I think honestly… the hardships I had simply give me the determination I have now to become the person I want to be. I still haven’t figured it out… but I actually believe I can become a person. That’s more than I could once say.
So here we are a year later. Little me and all of you. How am I? (And how are you!?)
I’m simply Holly of course. The same little girl that started this blog a few years ago to try to find a place to put the words I felt I couldn’t say anywhere else. I thank the people here for encouraging me to start on this journey of finding myself.
So why am I writing this?
I guess in part, the past week I’ve been a little insecure. See.. all my friends are married with babies. Or they have landed seemingly good jobs. It’s easy to think I’m not accomplishing anything. Yet… I learned something about myself. Well… I’ve always known it, I guess it’s more of a rediscovery and acceptance. All I want out of life is to keep chasing sunsets.
In head start, my teachers worried over me. This tiny mis-matched sock wearing tot who always sat alone and told the other kids she didn’t want to play with them. Today my family and friends occasionally make the same sort of comments. Find love, have a family, surround yourself constantly with others. These words bring a strong sense of loneliness for me.
See… I want precious moments of life. And my precious moments are probably different than yours. And that’s okay. To some it’s a wedding. To some it’s the birth of their children. To me… it’s seeing nature’s beauties and meeting rare people who make me feel something inside myself. I’ve only met two so far.
I’ll explain this. HM02. If you’re a Pokemon fan, you know it’s the HM for Fly. And that’s what I want. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve wanted to fly. And though, however unfortunate, my body can’t produce wings, I can still fly in ways that only I know how.
There’s so many ways to live a life. And I wanted to let the people who have supported me to know, I’m finding peace in the way I wish to live mine.