I’ve been sitting on these words for a few weeks as I’ve struggled to find a meaning in them. I thought, I shouldn’t write about this, since I’m so back and forth with emotions regarding this topic. But, as I always have to remind myself as my blog grows, I started this place for me, a place where I can be honest. I’m not here to say what people want, I’m here to say what I want.
If you’ve been with my awhile, you probably understand my stance on love just as well as I do. Not at all. But recently, as I begin to lean more on myself again, I’ve been thinking. It’s good to fall in love, isn’t it?
Even when you know you will never pursue a relationship, even though it hurts so much to know this and still love a person, in it’s own way, it’s rewarding. Maybe it’s the twisted side of me that thinks, feeling this pain is what makes me alive. But in part, I think also, I’m proud that despite these sad things, people can still fall in love at all. People like me that is. We know how stupid and pointless it is, but we are still fools with hearts, just like everyone else.
I think in loving a person you learn the most about yourself. Actually… as I’m writing this, I think for me it isn’t even so called love. Trust… maybe that’s all I feel for people. Maybe I have always confused love and trust. Shouldn’t love be wanting to be with a person? While trust on the other hand is this overwhelming feeling? Some people say they go hand in hand. Maybe I just want to separate them.
Anyway… To be able to trust someone, and share the deepest of your darkness to, those very rare people that can pat your head and tell you to grow, it’s worth the pain to meet them.
It’s been awhile since I’ve said something positive here. I feel like I need to write down goals more. (I’ve been slacking and feeling low on myself). And if it’s one thing I hate, it’s when people feel low and do nothing to change it. So… to learn from these words, I have to be strong and independent and continue on the path of becoming me.
Japanese has been kicking my butt this summer and leaving me so frustrated and lost. So I need to practice more on my own time. I will begin studying business in the fall. I have no idea what that means. I want to read on my free time all about business.
I need to remember these goals I have and why I set them. For myself I will keep trying.