I’m confused as to how I am feeling lately.
I’ve been pretty busy and stressed this week. It’s not really bad stress or anything, just a lot of things to do. Currently I’m wrapping up my application for my choice university in Tokyo. I am waiting on a meeting schedule for Wednesday, and once that is complete, I should be able to turn all the paper work in and my school will ship the documents to Japan. And then… I wait.
I worry a little because of course I had to state I am diagnosed with a General Anxiety Disorder. When people hear that they think that people can’t handle life. But it’s not true… things are just a little harder for me. But I want to think that it won’t hold me back. I think if I was accepted it would be the most devastating thing.
When I become a little lost in how I’m feeling I try to fill that void with thinking about humans in general. A lot of my attention this year has been on friendships and relationships. I’m unsure of these things still. I am tremendously happy for everyone I have met, and I’m really excited to continue meeting new people, but I have many days, maybe everyday, where at least once I think; these things certainly do not matter.
Also I thought of something last night. My older sister is in a relationship, my younger sister is having a baby, and my baby sister is in an on and off relationship with a fellow in the military who we all feel maybe she’ll elope with. Not too long ago my family was believing I would be the one to get married and have kids, but in this past year I have evolved into the one that will travel and probably never marry.
I think having a family and getting married are wonderful, and maybe some days I will lonely, but in a lot of ways I have never felt more okay. Being in a relationship gives me an excuse to hold myself back. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to just fly off in whatever direction I want. The idea of people loving me and commitment still frightens me. Maybe it’s anxiety, maybe it’s what I think and what I’ve seen, but I don’t believe in faithfulness, and I don’t believe in myself to not chase the people I love in that way off. But it’s okay, because I will accomplish many things. I’m starting and trying to believe in that.
But for now I’m a bit of an empty shell. A mix of excitement and numbness. I’m always so weird. It doesn’t make sense for me to say I’m empty but excited? But that’s me, right? ^^
Top: Forever 21