Summer 2014 I decided that I was going to evolve into the person I always wanted to be. Honestly, I wasn’t sure who that person was… But I feel like every day I find out more and more who she is. Since I have made this decision, I am surprised and overwhelmed at far I have come.
Though my anxiety is high, for the most part I control my panic attacks well. I completely changed what I am studying in school to make ME happy and not what I thought others would find admirable. I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to join clubs, go to study groups, to simply make friends. And I’ve decided to finally live out a huge dream and visit Japan. Maybe these things you can’t understand… but to me, they are huge.
Something I am still fighting myself with is being unapologetically me. I still wonder, ‘what will people think if I wear this. I should just go with jeans and sweater.’ ‘If I say this will people think I’m mean.’ But I am learning that it’s okay to speak up.
We all have those moments in time that we wish we would have said something, right? To a person you loved but never told, how much you appreciated a relative before they passed, ‘why don’t you notice me’ to a parent, ‘why did you leave’. These are some of mine.
I did something I won’t talk about in detail recently. I made a choice. And even though maybe I shouldn’t have… maybe it wasn’t a good choice… it was MY choice. I felt, if I don’t do this, I will regret it. And now, I have no regrets. I can’t begin to explain how amazing that feels despite the situation. Don’t live with regrets. Don’t be afraid to speak up for how you feel and what you want. Don’t be ashamed of you!
It’s okay to say, ‘Hey, I really cared about you. So you’re happy now? You don’t need me now. Thank you for everything, but maybe… you are the worst. You are the absolute worse.’
It’s okay to say, ‘You both left me when I needed you. I needed you in my life and you sat back and watched me cry. You blamed me for my tears. You blamed each other. You ripped me apart piece by piece until there was nothing left. It took me until I was 23 years old to even begin to feel any self worth. How could you?’
It’s okay to say, ‘I was suffering too. Don’t you remember? We are supposed to be one in the same. I came here for you. You were always the one I was walking towards. We were supposed to accomplish dreams together. You looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I don’t care” because you were too lost to remember, you are the only person in my youth that I loved.’
It’s okay to say, ‘I regret never following my heart. I regret being afraid. I regret not telling you, ‘we’re too young and I don’t know what love is and I don’t want to hurt you and I’m a mess and will only weigh your life down’. But I love you so incredibly much. Perhaps you’re the first person who taught me that feeling. Perhaps. I am so happy for you.’
Do you know me a little better now? Because I think I have learned something upon waking up this morning with these immediate thoughts. Out of all I think I’ve felt in my life, though I can’t put all the blame on myself, I can say one thing… I never spoke up. I was ashamed of the way I felt like there was something wrong with me. I’m not going to be afraid of that anymore. I am who I am. You are who you are. So just be you. And don’t let fear weigh you down.