Sleepless Nights With Tea

I like having Tee as a nickname so I can play with words. Sleepless nights with tea… Of course I mean I’m sipping a hot cup of green tea while typing this, but I could also say, Sleepless Nights With Tee; meaning me.

So I’m laying in bed… It’s dark besides the dim glow of my laptop screen. My Ed Sheeran pandora station is playing, and the horrible rain/snow mix howls with the wind outside. I work at 6:30 in the morning, and I’m restless.

What now? That keeps ringing in my head. My courses are very difficult and I don’t have the time to focus as hard on Japanese as I want. I had my interview for study abroad today. I find out the results next week. And this weekend may be the last time I see my best friend from this year for awhile.

So… What now?

I am supposed to keep my calm. I have to say… I will get good grades. Because I need them. It’s a goal I set. But I’m not sure I’ll achieve it this semester. I must wait for my results. Will they send me to Tokyo like I want? Will I get the funding I need? So many questions I simply have no control over. And my friend… will I see them again? Will our conversations slowly fade away? And there are so many things that I can never say.

What now?

I just hope and try my best? Not having control is a struggle of mine. To take so many risks last semester… It seems this semester I am being tested on them. I don’t want to give up. But my heart is hurting. I never thought to be so close to my dream that my heart would hurt this bad.

I guess I am just uncertain. Do I deserve it? Will it be what I want? And how many times will I get close to someone to have to say good-bye?

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