Sometimes I think people misread me. In person I have what today calls, ‘resting bitch face’. So I typically look pissed. Since high school when people have gotten to know me they’d usually say something along the lines of, “I thought you seemed like you’d be really mean! But you’re not!” And actually, drunk conversations this year have led to similar confessions.
Then there is the internet… People assume because I speak openly here or in videos, and because I post the kinds of pictures that I do that I have confidence, or that I’m a really strong person. Actually… Being called a strong person has been a pet peeve of mine since I was little. Being strong emotionally I don’t think is a choice. It’s something you build for survival. I think being a strong person can be a very big burden. It’s not a compliment.
But confidence… How do we define that? When people body shame others at the beach I always defend the stranger and say; “At least they have the confidence to wear what they want and not be ashamed.” Or when girls are slut shamed at parties for showing ‘too much skin’ I say, “At least they have the confidence to show off what they have if they choose to.’ Women of all shapes and sizes that get bashed on the internet for posting nudes or underwear pictures, I think it’s amazing they can be so ‘confident’.
But actually I wonder if any of them are actually like me. Because despite what others think based off of my actions or appearances, I am not confident at all.
I don’t blame the media. I don’t blame my upbringing. Self confidence is something you have to find within yourself. I have a set idea of what I like, for me. And because ‘perfection’ is not possible, unfortunately I focus a lot on what I consider my ‘flaws’. And when I dress I wonder… what will people think of me? Typically that is why I dress in jeans and oversized shirts and sweaters. Are you surprised?
Taking pictures allows me, for just a moment, to seem confident. Like being a character, you know?
Someone pointed something I’ve already known out to me tonight. ‘You shouldn’t care what others think.”
And when it comes to me, and what I like… they’re right. I’ve spent many years hiding because of my ‘faults’. One day I hope I’m able to wake up almost every morning (because of course we all have bad days) and as I’m getting dressed I simply think, ‘this is who I am.’