It Wasn’t Love

I wish I had given someone else a chance. Maybe my view wouldn’t be so skewed. Because what you led me to believe was love, wasn’t love at all.

That is how I feel this week. I took the past several days to wallow a little in my own self pity. We all need that sometimes, right? As long as you don’t get stuck there. I always say, ‘I don’t regret the past six years because I’ve learned a lot.’ But I’m a little mad at myself because I could have been learning good things about people and about myself.

Why do I choose people I know I’ll get hurt by? I don’t have to ask… It’s because it’s better to believe that than put trust in someone who will leave eventually.

I’m probably only feeling this way because a so called ‘special’ date is nearing. It’s a little sad to think the more comfortable you become in yourself, you realise all of the shitty ways you let someone treat you. How everyone around you thought that your relationship was the idea of perfect. Everyone wanted something like I had. But as usual, it was all just an image I created for everyone. ‘I am happy. That’s just the saddest lie.’

I wonder if I’ll ever allow that kind of relationship. A good one. I guess I don’t believe in such things. Even now.. I know people who are in my opinion the best, yet in their relationships they are flawed. What’s a relationship matter anyway? Why is it so tempting to want the touch of another person.

I don’t want that. I don’t want to want that.

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