I have a tendency to make them. Can I call it a mistake if I know it will turn out that way?
I’m realising I have a vicious cycle. I like to prove to myself that the way I feel is right. For example, love is shit. I’ve done really great at proving that to myself this year. I can’t deny that once my relationship ended all of my personal goals have begun falling into place. I have a lot more strength in working towards them knowing it won’t hurt someone else’s feelings or thinking that I should put more energy into them over myself.
I want to establish that I am not dissing on anyone here, I would not trade the ones I’ve met this year for anything in the world. I’ve been lucky to meet them. Truly. But I have been surrounded by cheats and liars in their relationships. Everyone cheats and lies is what I’ve seen in everyone. So part of me is satisfied because I’m right. We are lonely. Such lonely things. We can’t handle being alone.
I’m no different… which is why I’ve wronged myself again. I know the exact people to become close to. I know how to tell when there is potential for me to feel the sick satisfaction of rejection. Why is it important to me? What am I trying to make up for?
“Don’t push people away.” “You’re a good person.” Why do those things make me feel disgusted?
I made a mistake because I’ve forgotten how to be alone. I thought… maybe there is a person like me. But I’m everything. When you’re everything there isn’t a balance. I just want to find comfort in being alone again.