If you follow my Instagram you already saw something similar to this post, but it’s been weighing on my mind so I wanted to write it down again.
Perhaps I’ve been looking at too many black and white photos on Tumblr, but for some reason lately I just feel like my mind is that of the people they try to portray in books. An odd one. I non-committed one. A loner. People lately have been calling me mysterious or cold because I don’t express myself as others do.
Being on my own has reverted me back to the person I was before I was in a relationship. Which in most ways I am fine with. The more honest I am with myself, the more I see that the person I was in a relationship is not who I want to ever be. It’s weird how your mind can just switch like that. The only negatives I see are that now I feel completely that relationships are shit. I would like to picture myself in love with someone and married with a kid, but that just seems like trash for me. Something not fitting for my life.
So what do I want? For a little while I just want to live a simple life. I want to have a studio apartment above the city. I want to be surrounded by glass so I can wake with the sun. I can sit on my mattress that rests on the floor and enjoy the sun as it rises. I can stroll around in my underwear and thigh high socks as I make morning tea with my hair in a bun. I can watch the people below me hustle to work or anything else. They won’t even know I exist.
I want to take pictures with friends. I want to walk on train tracks and sit on rooftops or have a fire. I want to kiss and cuddle my friends when we drink too much and laugh about it. I want to be casual. I want to smile. I want to know that in a few years we will all go our separate ways with the best kinds of memories. I can’t help but feel I have been wasting my life this far.
Always worried about being ‘perfect’. Being with one person for my whole life to prove it could still be done. Doing what everyone else wanted so they’d love me. Pushing my dreams away in fear I would fail. I refuse to keep living that way.
I am still working on not being concerned so much what others think of me. That is the hardest part for me. I want everyone to like me… But I owe it more to myself and my life to do what makes me happy. Right?
At least for a little while.