Just To Write

I’m killing time on campus and thought… I feel anxious. I guess I should vent. Lately I spend a lot of time away from home. I’ve made four good friends. Two are girls and the other two are guys. The boys are really interesting and the girls are so sweet.

A lot of times I still feel too complicated for friends. Maybe that is why I’m anxious right now. I will go to a party and I think I’m getting the pre-socialization jitters. What will I do? What do I say? What if someone hits on me?

But these nights are always fun. I think I’m just a little socially tired. I’ve been pushing myself a lot to be social so I’m not bored. But I need to realise it isn’t others jobs to entertain me. Maybe it is also a bit of the end of semester blues. The lack of motivation has kicked in, and it’s frustrating because I still want to do my best for Japan.

While talking to my mom the other night she said, ‘Do you realise ever since you were a little child, everything you have done or been interested in has always pointed to Japan.’ Of course the earliest I remember thinking of Japan was five when I knew of the cherry blossom. But to hear my mom say those words makes me feel more confident about finding my place in this world. I hope I can find what I’m seeking in Japan. I wonder what is missing of me?

Love, career, friends… what is my purpose? Do we all ask this question? I feel bad for those of us that focus on it. I always feel it is a crime to be alive when you don’t have a purpose. But shouldn’t living itself be a purpose? I just think weird.

It was my birthday on Monday. I cried. If you read my last post, I guess that was part of it. But also because so many people said kind words to me. I was given a beautiful card from the people I’ve met this year. I felt really supported. To see everyone wishing me luck, and the Japanese students wanting me to come to Japan. Maybe they say these things to everyone, maybe they were only kind because it was a birthday card… but I think this is the first birthday in my 23 years of life that I have felt supported. That everything might be okay. That was significant to me. I want to keep trying.

I’m not confident that I will ever feel like I am a good person. I don’t think I’ll ever believe in things like real love. But I want to still push forward for myself. Because to know that I am at least trying to complete my dreams, it gives the bad thoughts and feelings something to mull over. It gives that sadness in me something to hope for. I worry that my pursuit to study in Japan next year will fail and I will shatter. Hoping is dangerous for a person like me. But I said this year was about risks right?

So I’ll keeping hoping and trying.

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