Tomorrow is November 10th. At 12 a.m it will have officially been a year that marks one of the most awful things in my life. It will also be my birthday.
I don’t like to say growing up I was unfortunate, but some of things I saw or went through I do not wish on any child. I’m a firm believer that the things I have gone through have shaped me to who I am today. I’m very confused in many aspects of myself, but in all, I believe I am a good person, so I do not wish to change anything. I do not want to get into the details, but despite all I’ve faced, November 10th of last year was the worst day of my life.
Someone important to me had turned to an awful drug. I remember crying to them in my bedroom. “How could you do this? We were always supposed to be strong together.” I wasn’t sure how to react. They left me alone that night and I remember holding my chest thinking, this is what real heart break feels like. I had thought things like my mom leaving, or dad choosing his wife over me, or being constantly second place to my boyfriend had all taught me heart break. But nothing compared to how my heart burst in that moment.
At that time you all know I was struggling with the worst of my anxiety. It seemed I had just gotten over wanting to die that this new obstacle was thrown at me. I stayed strong. Through the constant text harassments of my friends so called ‘best friends’ who were nothing more than users. I realised I had to be strong for me. A month passed and I had to tell this person… I cannot be here. Looking into the sunken eyes of this person I cared so much for… seeing their purple skin and dull hair. Trying to make sense of the words that left their mouth in the middle of their destroyed apartment.. I continued to die inside. I could do nothing. I did the only thing I knew how and drew a picture in a final hope to reach their heart. I knew the real person was still somewhere inside crying for help. They had always been crying for help. I was just the only one who would ever listen. Now it was out of my control.
My picture reached them. And they left for treatment a couple days later. Tomorrow marks a year of these awful memories and I’ve been reflecting on them a lot. But I am grateful. This person has been given the help they have needed for a long time and every time I am able to speak with them, they are becoming stronger.
It’s weird to me all that can change in a single year. There is a lot more that I could say for this post… but I’ll focus on one reflection at a time for now.