Fighting Back

Lately as I’ve mentioned my anxiety has been miserable. I’ve been doing well about fighting off panic attacks, but it wears me down a lot. I’m constantly tired and having to fight off negative emotions. It sucks because everything is going well, it’s just the way my head works.

Because of past experiences, I’m a paranoid person about other people. I’m meeting so many nice people this year, but there is always a bit of me that believes they will turn out bad. I find myself wanting to draw away. It’s hard to fight off that natural feeling. But I’m doing my best.

Also my anxiety wants to stop me from involving myself in things. Today we had a dinner event and my anxiety was awful. I worried the food I made would suck, no one would talk to me, what if I had a panic attack there? But I pushed through and had a good time and met more nice people. I’ve even made a language partner! But the minute I got into my car my body just shut down.

I don’t like being so exhausted. I wish I was a person that loved to have attention and many friends and could just have fun all of the time. But it all wears me down so much and I have to constantly fight myself.

I’m not trying to be a baby about it. I think all of this fighting is a good thing. I can tell I’ve grown a lot. And I want to continue that growth. Even though it is emotionally tiring for me, I see all of the positives that come from taking risks like this, and I want to keep pushing forward for the life that I want.

I think if I can do that, even I do get hurt sometimes, this could be a very rewarding year.

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