I just need a place to put words. I can’t speak to a camera the way I can spell out words.
Why is my head such a mess?
Why can I see all these great possibilities but still feel so empty? Why can’t I sleep? Why won’t my anxiety go away? Am I going to die sad? Why does it hurt when he hugs me? Why can’t I escape from anything? What am I doing? Will everything be okay? Will I ever believe someone loves me? Will I ever be happy? Will my eyes stop looking sad?
I like to pretend I’m something larger than life. Like all of these awful feelings I have, all these miserable things I’ve seen and felt… I like to pretend I was put here to keep all of that away from others. Like I’m this big punching bag for someone in the universe. They live a happy life while I attract all of the negativity so they don’t endure it. Weird? Yeah.. pretty weird to actually say.
But it makes it feel worth it I guess.
I don’t want to be this way though. I don’t want to constantly become down out of nowhere. I don’t want to feel like one day I won’t be able to take it anymore. I don’t want that all.